Yes, Virginia: Sex Furniture Is a Thing

Yes, Virginia: Sex Furniture Is a Thing
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Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Sex Settee?

EUGENE, SIR: My favorite position is me on my stomach with my leg drawn up so my lover can enter from behind and I’m in almost a three-quarter turn and can also pleasure myself with my hand. My present lover has back problems though so he can’t do this. He’s great at oral sex, so orgasms are not a problem — just sometimes I want him behind me. A friend recommended what she calls “sex furniture.” Thoughts? — CC

Dear Ms. Rider: Yes. Sex furniture is a thing. It’s been a thing. First crossed the boundaries of my awareness when a journalist asked former boxing champion Leon Spinks what a weird-looking chaise lounge in his garage was, and Spinks described it as his love machine, or some variation thereof. It supports while relieving pressure, so it does all of the things you need to be done. So we’re good there. The cautions here have everything to do with design. Well-made and well-designed sex furniture passes with minimum alterations as nonsex furniture. As with most stuff in our houses, if your guests knew how you really use them, based on what you all tell me, we’d never come over to visit.

So good sex furniture looks just like stylish furniture. Not-so-good sex furniture looks so much like sex furniture that after you have sex? Yeah, you probably have to put it away. Which is a drag and a hassle. But here’s the catch: The former kind of furniture can run you $1,600. The latter: $100. Plan as your budget and tastes allow.

Where Sex Begins

EUGENE, SIR: I know we’re in this interesting place with SlutWalks, where even something like total public nudity is desexualized if the nudist’s intent is not sexual. Is it possible we’ve gone too far though since by this token, even a hand on my penis is not necessarily a sexual invitation? I understand that sexual activity is no longer sexual if one person wants to stop, but this belief that sexuality is purely a product of design seems like bullshit to me. — Straight Talk

Dear Mr. Express: If I were to tell you a joke, one of my faves, for example, about cocktail franks, at the joke’s end one of two things would happen. You’d either laugh or you would not. In that briefest of spaces between the joke end and your response, you would not be deciding to laugh. No, when you laughed it wouldn’t have grown out of a choice unless you didn’t think it was funny but were afraid to hurt my feelings. It would have been totally involuntary. Like sneezing. Or breathing. Things we do without always choosing to do them.

However, if I get your point, you’re chafing at voluntary assumptions in an involuntary framework? Well, I’m going to call bullshit on that since sexuality is partially situational, and while it might not seem like you’re making decisions, depending on your frame of reference, you might actually feel very differently if it was Einstein’s hand on your penis versus Lisa Randall’s, even if they’re both genius physics heads.

So what you’re finding irksome — that you apply some sort of gatekeeping to your sexual impulse in the face of what feels like a provocation — is just something you’re going to have to deal with, especially in light of the men who are much larger/stronger than you who might take a liking to you and choose not to force the point because they are decent people. Yes?

The Gang’s All Here?

EUGENE, SIR: OK, I have planned a few group sex parties for the last 10 years. During that time a community has sprung up around my parties, but I’ve discovered something and it’s this: Some guys have never even brought a woman or a couple with a woman to any of these events. Single ladies and couples who are interested in unattached/multiple men always have plenty to choose from, but am I wrong for being angry that over 10 years, these guys are showing up empty-handed? Like going to a birthday party without a gift. The problem though is getting men who can “function” in a group sex setting is not as easy as it seems. So how do I even the numbers without alienating the numbers? —Dee

Dear Dee Lite: This is the same problem that nightclub owners, party planners and China face every night. And it’s this: What do you do with an excess of single men who are not gay? Single men are like free radicals, floating around, not helping, possibly hurting and always down for whatever because, in the end, winning and losing what is essentially a numbers game starts with playing the numbers.

So, and I might have gotten this wrong, what you’re wanting is for coital complacency to not be part of your future party planning. That, and to have the “excess” men try a little harder to contribute to what I understand is called “the lifestyle” by balancing out the balance and bringing a woman every now and then to lessen your load. So to speak.

The issue is clearly how to do this without alienating them and then having to struggle with the balance the other way. Try instituting a BYOB, or Bring Your Own Babe, policy. It’s cute/funny and lets everyone see that, like Santa Claus, you’re watching who is naughty and who is nice(r). In the end, you’ll be able to much more easily measure freeloaders and can separate them from the herd.

A few words of caution: I’ve never ever organized a group sex party of more than five people, so what do I know? However, if this actually works out, I think we’d be glad to hear about it! Until then? Good luck.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.