Why Men Love Lesbians
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because it doesn’t get much better than this. If you don’t do something to help it along.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Lame Love for Lesbians
EUGENE, SIR: My beau of the past 10 months and I were talking the other night and while he’s known that I was bisexual he, I guess I want to say now, inevitably, got around to “I think it’d be really cool to see you and another girl get it on”. I tried to laugh it off but it was just so lame and common that I’m having a hard time working up much enthusiasm for continued meetings. What the fuck is it with guys and lesbians? — Laura
Dear I Know: Let’s blame Howard Stern. And maybe a generalized media shorthand for something different and daring that completely skirts around the issue that it’s less new than cellphones, microwave popcorn and cable TV and at last check was had and enjoyed by PEOPLE who in all likelihood come from the Planet Earth. I will make no pitch to save this relationship but next time it comes up, if it comes up with him or another, also ask if he’d be into you getting with another guy and to quote Hamlet if he “but blench” then you know your course. Which is: dump the tourists, keep the adventurers.
EUGENE, SIR: I was hanging out with a friend of mine. We had been drinking. He had been saying we should go out and get some head. I borrowed a line that was supposed to have come from John Lennon in a similar circumstance and said, “Yeah. But I don’t want to wait.” He kind of laughed it off but now a week later things are still a little weird. I think he’s being kind of old-fashioned about this. Fixes? —Jamie
Dear Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut: So you made a pass for penis and your pass for penis was not positively received? And the pass receiver feels a little “funny” now? Funny. You know there have been people who have murdered people while drunk, and you’re asking me how to fix a failed pass? Here’s my advice: Forget about it.
You suggested he blow you and he’s taking offense? He should have taken offense the last 10 times you asked for rides to the airport, so yes, I think he’s being a little old-fashioned. UNLESS you’re not telling me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you asked him like Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast? Repeatedly, forcefully and with your pants off? He might have grounds for feeling a little uneasy come Monday.
In any case, homosexual panic is what it is, and jogging him out of it shouldn’t be your job even if you’re the one who panicked him. Mostly because it’ll never work. If someone’s panicking, telling them to “calm down” never works. Waiting it out? Might. But why is it only dudes making passes at friends? In my entire time sitting under the “Help 5 Cents” sign, I’ve only heard of a woman doing this ONE time. Know your audience, my man. Know your audience.