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Sex should only be one kind of sucky.
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Double Standard Much?
EUGENE, SIR: In one of your past columns you told an older man to go for younger women, but you tell the older woman to go for men older than she is. Like we’re not good enough for younger men? You should die. — MJ
Dear Michael Jackson: It is to laugh. As the official World’s Last Truly Free Voice, I am saddened by the fact that you read these columns with some body part other than your eyes. But breaking with the credo I share with Billie Holiday, I’m going to move from “don’t explain” to something you very much need: an explanation.
What you saw as a knock against older women was actually a knock against younger men. And while I hope that I’ve intervened in time to stop you from playing endless rounds of beer pong or watching him high-five his bros while playing beer pong to prove that you can hang, the reality of it is, your standards are in all likelihood higher than those of your single male counterpart.
How do I know? Because I hate beer pong. And if you’re being honest, so do you. If you’re 25, maybe not so much. And what about older men dating younger women? Same deal. Their female counterparts will absolutely not put up with their shit. Of course, if I advised differently, I’d also miss out on the wonderful and frequently seen sight of old dudes on dance floors at 2 a.m. with the faces of those who envy the dead, as they try to court women 20 years younger.
Don’t know whether this helps you understand, whether you still want me dead or whether you’re still hell-bent on playing beer pong no matter WHAT I say, but I am here to help even if you’re not ready to receive said help.
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve been married for 10 years. I was 17, he was 24. It was a love marriage. The first year my husband cared for me during sex, looked out for my comfort, never approached me for oral sex. Now, with two sons, he doesn’t take care of me. I’m a good and sincere wife, a good mother; I work hard to make this relationship work. Before we married, he had so many affairs, and he has started having affairs again. I know because I am finding sexy pics, videos and text messages. Some of the women are 22; others are in their 40s. My friends say I’m more beautiful and sexier than those girls. It’s true; I have seen their pics. I have a 24-inch waist and 36-inch hips and I’ve bought sexy clothes, bras and nighties. I send him pics and we’ve made lots of videos over the past six or so years. I guess I am that stupid girl who is doing sex like a prostitute with her own husband.
Last November I asked for a divorce. He said he can’t leave me because sex with me is better than sex with his girlfriends. I love him, though I have lost all hope that this love is unconditional as it seems he just wants sex from me. But it’s hard to find another man. He is my first love, even if he abuses me, hurts and beats me a lot when we argue about his other girlfriends. I’m an only child and have no one to help me. What do I do? — T. Subhan
Dear T.S.: You need to leave. There is no way this is getting better. This is not even one of those scenarios where it will get worse before it gets better. And even if it were to get better, so what? Look, I’m sensitive to the difficulties of actually making the move with kids, without support and in very possibly reduced financial circumstances, but you have to do it. For the kids, who may start to begin modeling horrible behavior, and for your own peace of mind. I don’t know where you’re writing from, but there are a lot of places to go to for help that you can find as easily as you found me. On your way out, know this: It’s not you. People change a lot from 24 to 34 and both of you have moved from becoming to being, and, sadly, what it turns out he is, is an asshole. No way sexy underwear gets you past that. Good luck!
EUGENE, SIR: I am sick of it. Sick of sex as the lazy way to get a rise — sorry — out of people too lazy to chart their own fun. I think porn is a symptom and part of the problem. Would anyone have given even a single “money shot” if not for it being an established part of porn? My man wants to do it and I am not opposed, but the idea that this was invented on some porn set in 1976 makes it much less hot. That might go for lots of sexy stuff too, though. Am I overreacting? — Name withheld by request
Dear Coconut Spritzer: Overreacting? I don’t know. I mean, what would constitute a normal reaction here? In any case, how about answering by addressing the micro-issue: Are there non-porn-related reasons for what you so tactfully call the “money shot,” the name given the part of the porn scene where one of the “stars” ejaculates on one of the other “stars”? I’m no scientist. Or doctor. Or your parish priest.
But what I’ve heard from those who own penises is that manipulating the penis immediately prior to orgasm works, and that being bothered with where the byproduct of that orgasm ends up is not really high on their to-do list. While many are more attuned to political sensitivities and how things may appear, and may forgo suchlike activity on the grounds that it’s porn connected and this makes it too connected, others choose to not politicize their sex and just let the, er, chips fall where they may.
In any case, if you don’t think it’s hot? Don’t do it. You need no justification for why you might like the color green, do you? Likewise, if you’re partnered with someone who really likes green? I’d suggest not accusing them of being shallow for liking it.