Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
Screw Your Sex
EUGENE, SIR: I am always reading about keeping things “exciting” if you’re a long-term married person, but I’ve been married for a decade and we have no kids, and I am sick and tired of hearing “how” we need to keep things exciting. Ten years in, no one is excited about married sex anymore. At best, it’s like having a cup of tea; at worst, well, many would say that it not happening would be the worst, but to me, that’s a blessing. I enjoy his company, but enough with the sexy stuff. In movies, it’s supposed to be exciting, but real life is not like the movies. —Straight Talk
Dear Such That: That’s got to be some dynamite tea you’re drinking. In any case, I almost tossed your note in the happy-to-read-but-can’t-use pile since it failed to deliver a query and this column is all about the queries. BUT everybody, their mother and Jean Twenge, a professor of psychology at San Diego State University who was recently quoted in Time magazine, says we’re not screwing as much anymore and most specifically married people are making love less. And if you can’t trust them, well, who can you trust? Outside of me?
The reality of it is, I believe, it’s not that sex is less exciting; it’s that unless you’re a sex worker, sex won’t make you rich and, like vacations are special because they’re the exception to the reality of everyday toil, sex is a welcome break but it doesn’t stand a chance against financial concerns. Indicators seem to support this vis-à-vis financial insecurity and shoddy sex. Which is to say, two weeks in Belize is always going to be exciting if you’re not already in Belize. But 52 weeks in Belize means you’re either rich and not worrying about funding your adventure or you live in Belize and are writing me letters complaining about married sex.
And you know how I suspect this is truer than not? Older, retired people who are having sex are not complaining about the sex they’re having. You don’t say how old you are, and it might be a drag to wait until you’re 65 to do some serious sexing, especially if you’re going to STILL need to work, but when lots of other stuff has left you behind? Sex might still be there. Free in most cases, and brief in many, especially when compared to a workday, but I believe it will abide.
Will your marriage last long enough to get you there? Don’t know, but we’re here to help you get there.
When Swinging Goes Bad. Like, VERY Bad
EUGENE, SIR: We are swingers and just invited someone in to play. He was about 10 years younger than me and in better shape, but this was part of our fantasy. I emailed back and forth with him, and he had no previous dealings with my wife and he seemed OK. The way it has worked in the past, the men have taken their cues from me and let me direct them. This didn’t happen a few weeks back. He took over. This hadn’t happened before, and I didn’t know really what to do, but it was making me uncomfortable, so I tried to direct him and he laughed at me. I realized that there was nothing I could do. He was physically stronger than me at the very least. The worst part was my wife was totally into it. Both the sex and my discomfort. I don’t know what I expected her to do and if she had asked him to stop, I am sure he would have, but this sucked. So, she wants to keep swinging, and I am done. Which she believes is ridiculous. How would you solve this? —Name Withheld by Request
Dear Reckless Erik: If I’ve said it before I’ve said it 973 times, and that’s that, before you embark on any suchlike adventure, you plan for each and every contingency. The fact that your cuck fantasy never had you being conscious of very precisely what happened suggests that you’re not being honest with me or yourself. Or possibly both. You saw his pic, so you had a read on him long before you got to the point of cringing bedside and wondering where it all went “wrong.” It even seemed like you and the wife had had numerous test runs.
Which is to say that I believe your fantasy has extended to the very writing of your query, and while I do not doubt your discomfort, I believe it, on a certain level, is welcome discomfort. On the outside chance that I am wrong, I’d say this: couples swinging. Your wife still gets to keep swinging, and you have a focus that’s other than the possibility of not being able to direct the proceedings. Give it a try, let us know if it works. Good luck!
My Girlfriend, the Prostitute
EUGENE, SIR: I’m married but sometimes go to escorts. Over the last 11 months, I’ve been going to one specific one. We do more than just screw. She’s funny and smart. About two months ago, she didn’t take any money. We’ve seen each other four times since then, and no money each time. I stopped asking after time No. 2, but it’s started to feel uncomfortable. Do you know what’s happening? Should I suggest PayPal? —J.S.
Dear John: You’re now officially dating an escort. Enjoy yourself. Don’t suggest PayPal. Sure we’ll be hearing from you again.