When Your Kid’s Teacher Becomes Your Lover

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in ”Sex With Eugene.”

Teacher’s Dirty Looks

EUGENE, SIR: I read your column and so let me start out by saying that I know I have done a stupid thing. I’m writing not to have you tell me that but because now that I’m involved with my son’s teacher, I need to know how to get out of it without making life suck for my son and not having his wife figure out it’s me and tell my husband. So I guess the question is: What’s the most complete way to wind things down and get out with the least amount of damage? His wife caught him but doesn’t know it’s me. He’s torn up but him making mistakes now is not what I need. So help sooner rather than later would be great. — Name withheld by request

Dear Hester Prynne: My belief? Guilt, deserved or not, unexpressed or not, causes people to exhibit behaviors that any sane person outside of their frame of reference would understand as pleas for discovery. One person who has never left her diary out one day accidentally leaves her diary out. On her husband’s bedside table. Another hides sex tapes she made with her lover in a closet she shares with her husband. The last gets a sex tape stuck in his video camera that he then places in the trunk of a car he lends his wife.

I didn’t just make up those examples. They all come from past letters. And what do they all have in common? A desire to be discovered.

People who don’t want to be discovered rarely are.

The fact that he was, worst case, means he was sloppy or willing to use you as a pry bar to get him out of a place he doesn’t desire to be. This is all supposition on my part but something you need to consider. Because your goal now is to protect what’s yours.

So however you’ve been communicating with him? Stop. Unless it is face to face. Then tell him simply that losing it all, unless you had plans to leave your husband for your son’s teacher, is not in the cards so even if he left his wife he’d need to be leaving for reasons other than wanting to be with you.

And finally, if confronted by the wife? Say nothing, confirm nothing, deny nothing. It will tell her all she needs to know: “Your problem is your problem.” In other words, if you were in, you’re now out. And if you were not in, you won’t be.

Going forward, remember though, when factoring in future actions, always measure out the aggravation quotient. Especially when your kids are involved. Here’s hoping you escape unscathed. It’s possible even if it isn’t probable.

How Long Is 5 Inches, Really?

EUGENE, SIR: I have a 5-inch long penis and I am going to marry but I feel nervous thinking/worrying about whether this is enough to satisfy my partner. — S. Parvez

Dear Parvez Vous Penis: Five inches should be enough to get the job done. Your tongue, I imagine, is much less than 5 inches long and if you’re planning on satisfying your partner it may be that your tongue — for licking, not talking — is much more useful in that regard. I mean just in case you were wondering about the keys to a happy life and how to please your wife and all.

Under the Klieg Lights!

EUGENE, SIR: My wife and I have gotten into filming ourselves having sex. Then when we have sex we run the video of us having sex through the big screen. Big turn-on but our issue is technical. First thing we notice is that none of our videos look as good as professionally produced ones. And the second issue is that we edit them in iMovie, so if we take our system in to be worked on, how do we keep the system’s people from stealing them and uploading them against our wishes? — Who Else Would I Ask?

Dear WEWIA: One word, my friend: lights. The lights that you need to make filmed sex look good are probably not the lights that you’d use to make sex feel good. If you’ve ever had the occasion to spend some time on the spectator end of a porn set, you’d see a raft of lights and lighting, as well as shoot/set times that make maximum usage of available ambient light.

However, what you need to get done does not need softboxes (light rigs) or ring lights. What you have is fine. Though you asking means you’ve already delved down to a place where you’re comparing and finding yourselves wanting.

The good news is lights are cheap and if you don’t have kids around to wonder what it’s all for? Well, knock yourselves out.

Your secondary issue is more much, er, sticky. I mean you could keep all of what you’re editing on a hard drive and remove stems from your desk or laptops. I sense you’re asking something else though and that’s, in terms of rights, how does that work if you’re sharing your private materials with someone in the public sphere.

I’m no lawyer, but I know if the plumber I hired starts going through my underwear drawer I’m not swayed that this is right even if he says that my underwear was clogging up the drain. No, unless some lawyer here wants to comment, my understanding is that what’s yours is yours and your relationship with your computer repair person is not as ironclad as it is between you and your shrink but it is semiporous, and if they find illegal material on your computer they could and should report you.

However, material between consenting adults? If you don’t mind them watching it, I think they may not mind watching it. And if they don’t want to watch it they have a choice to look the other way.

In regards to them downloading it and uploading it? Well, those are the actions of bad actors, and how do you guard against those? Which brings us right back around to the hard drive. Keep it there, double it up. Hope for the best. Good luck!

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