Why you should care
Because no one thinks 90 year olds are sexy.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: Is there no hope for men? After years of being pursued by men to mixed results and being between boyfriends I decided to not be so passive about what I want. So I’m in a bar with some friends. A guy comes up to me with the “hey baby” stuff. I tell him that I’m doing just fine. We talk for a bit with him getting more sexy. Finally I tell him, “Look, we don’t need to waste time. Let’s go somewhere where we can fuck.” His response was “what? Are you crazy?” He backed away from me. I have done this eight times in total and had only one man agree. But before him I have been called “crazy” and a “whore” and sometimes a “crazy whore.” Why are men resisting getting what they’re saying that they want? — Kat
Dear Kitty: I know some would tell you that it’s because men like the pursuit. And some men do. But I’m going to tell you a greater truth: performance pressure is a bitch. If you were going to ask if you could fellate them you’d definitely get a different response I suspect but asking someone who didn’t expect to be at the starting line to step up to the starting line is a whole other thing entirely. Believe it or not men prepare for coitus as well. Some of us shower, shave, put on a clean shirt, do some push ups. Some of us in the pro column might even masturbate before a date so that their first time off the line is not disappointly short. Also, the sad reality is most men are rejected more often than not, so when they stumble into complete and total agreement, well it can be kind of a shock to the system, sinking any sense they might have had about up, down, and where which one is. So it’s not so much that they are resisting though if you’re finding yourself penis-less at night’s end, it would seem that way. But really it’s just that they are scared. And don’t even know why and sometimes it makes more sense to go with that feeling than not. As a species we didn’t make it this far being stupid. I mean before your experiment how often were you receptive to this kind of come on? Yeah: exactly. We applaud your efforts though and hope to god someone at some point grabs good fortune by the…horns…and you both have an evening to write home about.
EUGENE, SIR: I had sex with a woman I had met online. We had emailed back and forth a bit. Everything seemed OK. Sex was great I thought. A little rough and a little nasty. After it was over I had to use the toilet. When I got back from the bathroom, I could see she was bleeding all over her chest. She had not been bleeding when I left. I looked at her chest and asked if I had done that. She told me that I had not. There were only two of us there so I didn’t ask what seemed obvious. I got back in bed. Her bleeding chest and deep scratch wounds not something I wanted to deal with but it was creepy enough that I just left sort of soon later. I haven’t called her back and feel bad since I think she’ll read that as a criticism but I’m unsure of what she wanted from me. Any idea of how I should have handled this that was better than what I did? — Alex
Dear Mr. DeLarge: You know I had a history teacher who used to roll out stuff from that old Texas Guinan routine mostly, and possibly apocryphal, “you pays your money, you takes your chances”. Which is just another way to say caveat emptor. Let the buyer beware. Online stuff from both sides of the exchange is a crap shoot. Someone says they are tall? They show up short. Someone says they are “curvy” and they show up morbidly obese. I don’t know what was happening with your self-mutilator but nothing good was happening with your self-mutilator. Yes, I’ve read all of the source material on self mutilation and the release of endorphins that accompany cutting and other acts that rend the flesh and am sure that they have some validity but if you leave Ms. Sexy on the bed and come to Ms. Sexy & Bleeding, something specifically done for your notice, someone is making a bold play to have this play either become part of the play or at the very least something you’ll spend the next hour discussing.
Neither of which sounds particularly sexy to me. But this is not about me. This is about you. And I happen to think what you did was pretty civilized. You were declining entry into water, possibly dark, probably deep. Not what you signed up for when you started posting ads for No Strings Attached, or whatever the hell you were looking for. Unless that was what you were looking and when faced with it, were suddenly freaked. Which is understandable too. In any case exiting with or without grace is what you were looking so why quibble about the differences between the two if the end result is the same?
EUGENE, SIR: My penis is too big. Any suggestions? — John Johnson
Dear JJ Fad: No it’s not. And yes: shut up. Thanks for writing.