When Private Porn Goes Public

When Private Porn Goes Public

Why you should care

Because bad sex is not its own reward.

Short-Timers

EUGENE, SIR: I got married when I was 22. I’m 37 now. We have two kids and no problems, but the sex is not good. Not like it just got not good, it’s been bad for maybe the past 12 years. He orgasms too fast, and I end up not orgasming at all. When I say “too fast,” I mean less than 60 seconds. He’s willing and does do foreplay but not well. We had kids early, so I don’t think I noticed it very much at first, and he was the first man I had sex with, but as I got older and talked to my friends I understood that my situation is not that unusual, and no one seems to have an answer for it. Therapy hasn’t worked for those of my friends who have tried it. Open relationships seem to be temporary solutions. Porn is confusing, and with teens in the house I don’t know where we’d hide it. I love my husband, but I don’t want to die, sexually speaking. Is there any way you can think of that will make him better? — LS

Dear Long Suffering: Porn is probably one of the least confusing things around: watching people having sex who like to be watched while having sex. Simple. They’re imitating what they think the royal “we” likes, and the royal “we,” in turn, model what we see there because it is now the standard-bearer for “sexy.” It’s a sad cycle, but it happens everywhere. From Victoria’s Secret ads to that oh-so-wearisome shot of a high-heel-shod foot coming out of a car that we’ve all seen a million times in movies.

In this kind of hothouse environment, finding out what you really like and how you like it is complex. Especially since it undergirds a question we might all ask ourselves: Are we having as much fun as the next person? Your concerns are much more parochial, though, and I have no real answer for you. You can never coach him to better since your understanding of what better is, based on what feels good, doesn’t fully encompass the kind of better yet undiscovered by you.

And while I imagine you’d feel a lot less lonely if you felt like you were on this journey with him, for whatever reason it seems you’re going to be on it alone. There is one possibility, and I hesitate to recommend it, but I’ve noticed that tennis players get better when they play with better tennis players. Even by watching better tennis players. So heading to a place where you can watch others who have figured out how to pleasure others, well, might suggest the sex club solution. See what I did there?

Naked + International

EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend and her ex filmed themselves a lot. I’m totally cool with this. But she started posting the old vids to online forums like Pornhub. Which bothers me. She says I’m being stupid and old-fashioned and, the one I hate the most, “typically male.” But I feel certain if I was posting me getting down online, she would not like it. So I said that, and she said that we should put videos of us online too. Something I’m not so into either. So, again, I’m stupid, old-fashioned and typically male. Since when did not letting the world see your junk become old-fashioned? — Stefan

Dear Saint Stefan: Welcome to the World of Overshare. And if you critique the overshare, accusations of, maybe in this case, a certain kind of sex negativity might be made. But Grace Jones said it best: “Your private life, baby? Leave me out.” In this instance, though it’s clearly your private life we’re talking about, and sadly for you, sharing seems to give her pleasure — sort of like eating snails might give someone pleasure.

However, beyond that, when the snail eater wants you to start eating snails? While I don’t suggest you resist as much as Sam-I-Am resisted green eggs and ham, there’s no easy way to try this once. And because we’re talking about online images of you, two, engaged in coitus? It should be OK that you’re not interested in this. Frankly I don’t believe she wants or needs you to be interested. I think she wants and needs you to not try to change her interests.

So maybe the video with the ex is a good midway measure. If your real concern is the world seeing you stripped, versus not digging on the world watching your girlfriend get down, then you’ll have to decide that there’s very little wrong with being typically male about this and deal with it or leave. But trying to convince her that something that gives her pleasure actually doesn’t give her pleasure? Well, good luck with that.

Tempo Fugit

EUGENE, SIR: Should I start screwing slow and then build up to something fast? The other way seems like a bad idea. — Name withheld by request

Dear Pace Car: In this you might be correct: Whether we’re talking eating, drinking or screwing, starting out super fast doesn’t just seem like a bad idea, it is a bad idea. But, you know, every case is different and so let your spirit be your guide. But the performance arc for most successful acts of sexual congress seems to start out from no sex to the sexual to sex, and in a period that most experts peg at, on average, about 11 minutes, increasing in intensity until one partner, or both, has an orgasm. Lots of ways to improve on that, of course, starting with, well, just about everything. Like? Like noticing that I used the word “intensity,” not “speed.” Like everything from the music you might be listening to, to the way the room is lit, to the amorphous, complex and artful play of passion. On one hand, not that hard at all. On the other hand, the hardest thing ever. But remember it’s play, so go out and play and have a good time playing, and maybe your partner will as well.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.