When Group Sex Goes Badly

When Group Sex Goes Badly

Why you should care

The sexy window of opportunity and ability is brief, oh, so brief.

A Foursome With Three

EUGENE, SIR: We’re getting our feet wet as swingers. Went to a club with a plan just to watch. We watched, started chatting with another couple. Felt a connection, so we exchanged emails with a plan to later meet. A few emails back and forth and we were going to meet for a drink at a nice bar at a hotel. If things felt right, maybe we’d go upstairs. But as we got closer, my wife was having second thoughts and then, two days before, she told me that she wanted me to cancel. Well, I was doing the planning, and so were they, and canceling this late would have been shitty. So I suggested we at least go to meet them for a drink. So we do, and it’s a pretty good time. At some point the husband has to take a call and the wife has to use the toilet. While they’re gone, my lady says she doesn’t want to do it. We start to argue a bit, and she says that if I want to go ahead and do it, I should. She leaves. When they get back and ask where she’s gone, I say she had a headache and went home, and they invite me up to the room. When I got home, though, she was very angry, and I don’t think we’ve been closer to breaking up ever. She’s angry I did it. I told her I did what she told me I should do. She thinks I’m a bully and has said if I just wanted to go out and fuck other women, I should have. I never would have done this if I thought it would destroy my relationship. In the past few days, she’s relented and says we should try it again but with another couple. Should we? —Struggling With Swinging

Dear Hollywood Swinging: Hell NO. I know we’re in a time and place of No Meaning No, but you do realize, or at least you should now, that YES, very clearly, doesn’t always mean YES. You know everyone has FANTASIES, but there’s a reason they’re called fantasies, and that’s mostly to distinguish them from REALITIES, thusly removing you from the pressure of actually having to do them.

Don’t believe me? How many people talk about winning a lottery? Now balance that against those who actually PLAY the lottery. Grossly disproportionate, we imagine. So, I suspect she was spooked early on, told you she was spooked, but you didn’t hear what you were being told. Stacked on top of that: When she left the bar and told you that should do what you want, that very definitely meant you should not be going to hotel rooms with strangers for sex.

Which I know seems strange since, at the end of the evening, whether she went or not, you were going to have had sex and you knew that and you knew that she knew that. But, alas, that really wasn’t the point. If you two had gone to a movie or a restaurant or a baseball game and she begged off halfway through for whatever reason, you’d be perfectly happy and comfortable keeping your coupledom intact. She goes? You go. She stays? You stay.

Not what you did. I’m not saying I don’t understand you doing what you did. I’m just saying that doing what you did led you to my doorstep for a reason.

Swinging is pro-level stuff. Nuance aplenty and not to be entered lightly. She’s suggesting going again because I suspect she feels bad that you were blindsided and she realizes that maybe part of you being blindsided has to do with you being blind about this. Not because you were trying to be hurtful. So she’s trying to be game and you should let her. Up to and including the planning, communicating and whatever other logistical stuff is needed to get you all back to a hotel room. Following her lead will leave you in better stead than just doing what she says. Good luck.

What Becomes Filth Most

EUGENE, SIR: I like my sex filthy. But I’m discovering that this weirds men out. If I’m upfront about it, they get scared. If I wait and spring it on them, they’re surprised and then scared. I have no agenda; I just have a type of sex I prefer. I’m also recently divorced and 40, so I know what I want, but maybe the rules have changed. Please advise. —Sharon

Dear Sharing: Well, last week, I’d have recommended the cul-de-sac of specificity of Craigslist, where you could have easily advertised exactly what you wanted and very quickly gotten what you most wanted. But because of the threat of the legal ramifications of a law intended to stop sex trafficking, Craigslist tapped out and decided to get out of the freaky sex business in total. Thanks, sex traffickers, you horrible pieces of crap, you. Sure, some might suggest dating apps, but are you going to be as honest in a public forum on something with your pic attached? Nah, the Wild West days of desire are over UNLESS you go to a lifestyle site — where, in all likelihood, somewhere in the title will be the word FET — of which there are plenty that figure the risk is worth the reward. Go there. Get your freak on. Apologize to no one anymore!

Hard? Enough?

EUGENE, SIR: Is there some way to let men know that harder is not always better? —Gently

Dear Goldilocks: Well, for you. For someone else? Harder would be better. Must at all costs avoid the categorical here, though, since one person’s Owww! is another person’s Mmmm. Meaning you need to find those of the soft touch. How? No real idea. And while I suspect that porn and Hollywood are largely the driving factors behind the epidemic of backbreaking athletic screwing, in some cases, that’s just how some folks roll. You know you don’t like it like that? Avoid those folks. How? Hard to tell, since even if you talked about this beforehand, which most of us won’t, one person’s perception of hard might vary wildly from another person’s. Process-of-elimination-style play the odds, mention what you like before you’re in a position to be miserable if things aren’t going your way and hope for the best.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.