Why you should care
Someone’s got to suck at sex. Let’s hope it’s not you.
About More? Merrier?
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 46 and my wife is three years younger than me. We’ve been married for 26 years and have a fairly active sex life, but I wouldn’t say it’s as adventurous as it once was. Over the years we have discussed things like threesomes but always decided they wouldn’t be good for the relationship. We have also discussed our fantasies — one of my wife’s most dominant ones has been to be double-penetrated by two men. That fantasy has morphed from DP to a gang-bang fantasy involving several men. When we watch porn together this is typically what she wants to watch. But recently, and completely out of the blue, she told me that she would be open to a threesome with another woman. She added that the other woman could use a strap-on to double-penetrate her while we were having sex.
I didn’t say much about it at the time and neither did she. The next day she told me that maybe we could take a trip to a legal brothel in Nevada to act this out. Again, I was surprised because it was completely out of the blue. We returned from a long weekend in New Orleans and while lying in bed the first night back, she said, “Know what I’m doing? I’m looking at reputable brothels in Nevada, reviews and such.” I said, “OK,” and that was it.
Where might this sudden interest in a threesome be coming from? I’m still not sure how I feel about the whole idea and also find it strange that she would suddenly be pushing for a FFM threesome when her fantasies have always been about MMF or even MMMF. Is this an idea worth exploring and/or following through with even if I’m uncertain? Or, as we originally thought, could it be detrimental to the relationship? — Clueless
Dear Get 1 Pronto: You need to sign on to this IMMEDIATELY. Yeah, yeah, I know I said all of that stuff before about it being carefully thought out, but what’s been happening while you’ve been emailing me? She has been thinking and she’s trying to let you know that she does not desire to die not having done these things. She’d like to do them under the aegis of your relationship. So, please don’t force her to do this without you. The fact that she’s still talking to you about this is a good sign, but the desire comes from her desire to embrace life to the fullest and meditations on mortality have a way of forcing these kinds of things into existence. I usually advise caution with any kind of threesome since mostly it’s guys pushing for the FFM, but if she’s suggesting this, it means she’s willing to meet you halfway if your initial hesitancy was marked by an aversion to another penis being present.
But I can’t stress this enough: If you shut this down, I predict it will destroy your relationship. I don’t say you should do so under duress, but I do say you should understand what’s at stake: She will do it with or without you. Which will be easier to live with? She may do it once and be done. But trying to get her to sign on to NEVER doing it? Well, you’re asking for trouble. Good luck.
The HPV Sanction
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve enjoyed reading your interesting and informative column. Thank you! An old friend and I have re-established contact after many years and he told me he has acquired HPV in his travels through life. My concern is whether this means we should keep our relationship purely platonic, or is there any chance for (safe) intimacy? After reading the recent news stories about Michael Douglas, Erin Moran, etc., I’m quite concerned. What’s your advice on how to proceed and what might be off-limits? Or is this relationship a no-go? In other words, “What would Eugene do?” — Curious George-ette
Dear Cheeky Monkey: First, a proviso: I’m no doctor. That being said, the only people who don’t have some HPV markers (or so I’ve been led to believe)? Nuns and virgins. Which makes it seem like a very persistent cold. Or, since most people are asymptomatic and some people have even managed to get it to disappear, maybe it’s more like the flu. HOWEVER, it is highly contagious (condoms might be your best bet here).
The aggressive downside? It can make both men and women sterile. So go out and get the vaccine for it now. It’s pretty expensive, has to be given in three doses and some doctors, in the belief that it won’t help, don’t like to give it to you if you’re not a teenager. Still, this would be good if you don’t already have HPV. So get tested and find out. And then decide, what’s the possibility of love worth?
EUGENE, SIR: Just moved into a three-unit townhouse complex where I’m visited frequently by my girlfriend, who tends to get loud — I mean REAL LOUD. I lived in a house before, so it wasn’t a big deal. So far, we have yet to rouse the ire of my neighbor — a 60-something single woman in the adjacent unit — but I’ve been in the place for only a couple of weeks and this is going to be an ongoing thing. Should I broach the subject with the neighbor, or just let sleeping dogs lie? — Ruckus Raiser
Dear Loud + Proud: I’d love to advise you to bring up the subject just so I could comfortably and amusingly imagine how that conversation would go, but if you live in a housing deal that’s densely populated, well, people will just have to deal. I mean, if it’s not after 11? You’re within your rights to do what you feel and nothing is as unsexy as worrying about neighbors and noise. On the flip side, having to find a new place to live would be a drag too. Which is why pillows were created. If you’re a little more rough and tumble? A sock, or a ball gag: part of the sex play and doesn’t break the flow while also making life easier on your neighbors.