When 1 + 1 Doesn't Equal a Threesome

When 1 + 1 Doesn't Equal a Threesome

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Is It a Threesome If There Are Only Two of You?

EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I have been flirting with adding a third to our play. We get close, but then get cold feet. Or at least he does. I have been as open as I can since he can’t figure out whether he wants a woman or man to be our third. He’s not bisexual, but he wants to see me with someone else, and I’m bisexual so being with a man or a woman is fine by me. We had something planned a few weeks ago, and he called to tell me he was going to be held up at work and that we should reschedule. I told him to text the young man who was going to join us, but he forgot, and the guy showed up. I figured he could hang out until my husband arrived, but then I realized I had no idea how long that would be.

Next thing I know, after a drink, the young man and I get into it. I decided to film it because I thought my husband would be happy to see it. I may have been wrong about that. I showed him the video when he got home, and he was anything but happy. I now think it’s better we never tried a threesome since it’s clear to me that he couldn’t handle it. Do you think I should bring this up again when he calms down, or is it a dead issue at this point? Also, he seems to think I did something “wrong.” Did I? — Name withheld by request

Dear What?!?: Can I partially answer a question with a question? Do you often write advice columns when you don’t need advice? And do you often need advice on things that are “right”? A better way to ask, and maybe the way you really want to ask, is this: What’s his friggin’ problem? And while you’d be correct in stating that the problem is his, that would be more of a correct take if you two weren’t bound by the bonds of holy matrimony.

The short answer: Yeah, you blew it.

What you signed on for when you got married was the whole team deal — unless you two decided to frame the parameters differently — and there are basic spoken and unspoken tenets. Making decisions together is one of them, and I know you know this. Showing up, for example, with a new car, or the keys to a new house, or something a little more down-market, while drunk? And you’re stepping into a little grief since you made a unilateral decision about something that affects you collectively.

I know, I know … this was something you had already discussed, but guess what? You didn’t do what you had discussed. You had an affair. Which you filmed and showed said film to your husband. His response was probably as understanding a one as you’re likely to get. You ever hear the expression “close but no cigar”? Yeah, this was that. If you had waited for your husband to get home? You’re in the clear. Not waiting? You’re writing to me.

As for whether or not to try to resell him on it, you might want to wait a bit before trying it again. Words from the wise.

A Monthly Orgy of Sexy

EUGENE, SIR: Is there any way to bring sexy/slutty back into a 17-year relationship? We have sex once a month and are happy in general, but there is nothing that I like that I do only once a month. Sexy outfits? Something? We’ve talked about it, but nothing happens. We’re in our early 40s and in good shape, so that’s not it. Help, please. — Hanna

Dear Ms. Montana: Malcolm McClaren used to sell a T-shirt in the U.K. store where he had cobbled together one of the early punk rock bands, the Sex Pistols. This shirt, as I remember it, had a woman who looked like Charlotte Rampling in The Night Porter on its front. She wore a leather SS officer’s hat, hosiery, boots and sported a riding crop and a German shepherd. The legend printed on the shirt said simply: “I run the fuck now.”

Or like the Cowboy said in the David Lynch flick Mulholland Drive, “There’s sometimes a buggy.… So let’s just say I’m driving this buggy, and if you fix your attitude you can ride along with me.”

The point being that sometimes the day is carried by those with the ability to see what’s not there. And in seeing what’s not there, filling that void with aspects of their desire. So put it thusly: “I want to try something …” and run the fuck like you would direct a movie. You tell him what you want him to be wearing and set the setting and the scenario according to your deepest desires. He needs to agree, sure, but it needs to be presented by you without apology or equivocation.

Laid out on the table the way I’m proposing it should be seen for what it is: an aggressively earnest attempt to fix what’s not working as well as it might. Once a month might be fine for some people but clearly not for you. So set it up, and hope that he knocks it down the way you’ve directed him. If it doesn’t work, well, nothing really will. Other sex columnists might suggest that maybe it’s a medical problem, which it might be. I would suggest, though, that the problem is one of imagination, or the lack thereof. Give this a try and let us know how it goes!

Ass Mastery, Part 37

EUGENE, SIR: Is there a protocol for anal sex? I’ve tried it before and it’s this uncomfortable dance. I’m 30 and getting too old to act like I “accidentally” penetrated the wrong hole. Just coming out and asking for it seems rude. In the #MeToo era I’m trying to be sensitive, so, yeah, how do I play this? — Para Mi

Dear Para Tu: Well, if it makes you uncomfortable, trying to make yourself more comfortable with it will only lead to greater discomfort, like anything else you try to force yourself to do. However, your helpmate in this matter is whomever you have found yourself with as a partner, and since their body is the field of play upon which you’ll both be attempting to achieve something worthwhile, or at the very least interesting, my suggestion is you bring it up with them. Not in bed when things are already supercharged, but as part of pre-play seduction. And remember, you’re not selling, begging, pleading or convincing. You’re expressing an interest in expanding the palette of sexy and hoping that what you think sounds sexy sounds just as sexy to whomever you’re trying to get sexy with.

If that’s still too forward for you, try anilingus first, and see what happens. If I were a medical professional I would share anilingus risks with you, but I’m not, so I’ll leave you with this proviso: It’s not safe sex, though it could be made so via the use of dental dams. Good luck!

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.