What's Revealed by the Porn You Try to Conceal

What's Revealed by the Porn You Try to Conceal

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Being What You’re Seeing

EUGENE, SIR: I’m sure you get hundreds of these, but I borrowed my girlfriend’s phone to look up a movie we were thinking of going to and stumbled on some stuff she’d left open. These were mostly her porn preferences. Not surprised that she’s viewing porn, and that’s not the issue really, but it was the type of porn, and what I want to know is if there are any studies correlating porn viewing habits and real-world activities? I ask because I will not be the owner of any body part that’s large and black, and I don’t want her to have to surrender her dream scenario just to be with me, but I can also see Top Gun without wanting to join the Air Force. Is that generally accepted as being the way things work, though? —Bill B.

Dear B.B. Gun: Like Martin Luther King, I too once had a dream. An actual dream. And in that dream I was gifted the power to read the minds of other people. Thoroughly. That is, things you were thinking that you weren’t even really honest or aware of? I was THERE and in it and could see it like I was watching TV. Or your girl’s porn. Or your girl’s porn on that TV. But there was a condition and that one condition was that if I had been given this skill, I would have to pay for it by not reacting to anything I found out there. So I could know, but I couldn’t have any feelings about what was known.

Maybe this dream was about being a journalist, or maybe it was just about eating too close to bedtime, but it’s recalled here because I’m not completely buying your “discovery.” You went looking for a movie and, presumably, movie times, saw a window open for a porn site and, “next thing you knew,” you were inundated by page after page of porn that you were unable to stop yourself from seeing.

Sure. I’m a simple man, and I’ll buy that if that’s what you’re selling me, but only because you weren’t asking about that. You were asking about correlations. The good/bad news is correlations do exist. Back in 2016, some folks at the NeuroImage journal slapped some porn viewers into functional magnetic resonance imaging (fMRI) rigs and discovered that the brain started releasing dopamine, an almost certain prequel to the possibility of addiction, if not addictive behavior.

However, the good/bad news that you were seeking — do her porn choices mean she’s actually hungering for that which is both long and black, penis-wise? Well, that fails to materialize. There are things we think about, things we talk about and things that we do. Do things in that first group often end up in that last group? Not always, and certainly not consistently. So my suggestion is: Figure out which movie you want to see, see it and leave her alone to her fantasies. Unless she brings it up. Then write me back.

Roughly

EUGENE, SIR: Our sex is very physical. We slap each other, bite each other, choke and one time I kneed my lover while he was giving me oral before sitting on his face when he fell back. We’ve been together two years and haven’t been able to find anyone who likes what we like the way we like it. But how do we live the lives we healthily embrace without the sidelong looks at work? Or in public? —Name withheld by request

Dear Ms. 45: Would it be too much to suggest clothing choices that keep your private life private? Of course, most clothing does not cover the face, and even if it did, your use of face coverings would draw attention unless it was also accompanied by a religious conversion of some kind. But your face is only a fraction of your body’s total surface area, so this should be easy to work around. Unless, of course, part of the appeal is the social recognition. Then, might I suggest a line of work where this would not attract undue notice: fighter, fight coach, um, bouncer, I guess I said fighter already, but I’m sure you get the idea.

Do that which most pleases you but do so understanding that there are some people who just won’t understand. Not your fault. You’ve got some sort of consensual coolness happening but, in general, many who show up for work looking like it seems you two have are not into anything nearly so consensual.

Working the Water

EUGENE, SIR: We tried some water play the other day when showering and I suggested he go inside me instead of interrupting sex so he could go to the toilet. He said it hurt. Is this possible or was he just weirded out and didn’t know how to say it? For the record, it didn’t hurt me. Didn’t turn me on, either, but I liked not stopping the sex. —Wendy G.

Dear WaterGun: Calling a sudden halt to a natural process — sneezing, coughing, micturition — will be uncomfortable. And pressure up the length of the urethra, where there usually is no pressure, I can imagine, will be unpleasant. Moreover, it seems anyone comfortable enough with urine play to even embark on it in the first place would also not be strange about being honest about how it felt.

So for those keeping track in this and other columns: urination during fornication in an enclosed space? Unpleasant. On an exposed space? Not so much. Truly hope this helps those confused about so-called golden showers.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.