Why you should care
Because if sex were easy, everyone would do it … badly.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: What the hell is a G-spot? I’ve read that all women have one, but I’ve never been able to tell that my G-spot has any different sensation than any other part of my anatomy in that, uh … location. Is there some sort of button we are forgetting to push, or is there simply no electricity run to this part of the house? — G-Unit
Dear See Spot Run:
Are you really going to trust a German doctor — Ernst Gräfenberg, to be exact — and a man who died in 1957 (and who was sent down this research path by a 17th-century Dutch physician named Regnier de Graaf) to have any great and accurate insight into what’s happening in your vagina today by way of the spot that carries his name? The fact that he developed the IUD notwithstanding, I’d be just as likely to trust him as I would be likely to trust a female physician’s advice on how to handle my penis through the rocky shoals of penis handling. Sorry. I mean, book-learning gets you only so far. Well, book-learning and cadavers, but still you might get my point.
Which is, outside extraterrestrial life, cancer, good “reality” TV and the existence of God, anything else we’ve been puzzling our way through trying to figure out for the past 74 years, we’ve gotten pretty much squared away. And the fact that we’ve not managed to do so with the so-called G-spot, a mystical place about 2 to 3 inches up the inside front wall of the vagina that’s supposed to unlock a whole heavenly host of ecstatic, means we’re fully ready, willing and able to call bullshit on it.
Like snipe hunts, we figure the whole G-spot dodge is all about keeping women focused on the fact that there’s yet one more thing they fail at — all while conveniently diverting attention away from the reality that women who are having really super-phenomenal sex aren’t worried at all about whether or not they have a G-spot. I’d be a little less confident in this assertion if there were some medical consensus that it exists (there is not) or if even, anecdotally, I’d heard anybody in all my years expressing any other viewpoint than the one that framed your question, but I have not.
But because it’s not all about me, I’ve gone to our go-to medical guru, Dr. Steve Ballinger. “I think women have many areas that may or may not be ‘activated,’ and I have no idea what switches them on or off.” And then after a long, pensive pause. “Female sexuality is very complex. Very, very, very complex. Really, super, extra …”
You get the point.
The Business End of a Penis
EUGENE, SIR: I think fellatio is harder than it seems. I’ve had no complaints but I don’t think just having no complaints means you’re doing something well. I’m attractive and that seems to be enough but I want to be good because I hate when I’ve been with men who don’t know how to eat pussy. So are there universal tips and tricks that you could explain here? Please don’t suggest videos either. I know about those and those are always people being paid to seem like what they’re doing feels good. So screw that. —N.R.
Dear No Really: Ur-tricks? You mean techniques that turn the vast panoply of penis with its massive variety of interests and attitudes into a single quivering mass of compliant, erogenous erectile tissue? Not really. Some like it soft, some like it hard. Some will have foreskins, and some not, there’s lots of variation but seeing that I’m not nearly the kind of expert on penis as others are I’ve decided to ask the others.
Enter D. Simone, a high-priced escort, still actively involved in the business after four long, hard years, first in massage parlors and then via escorting. ”The single common denominator I can see is that most men actually want you to have a relationship with their penis. Doing it like you’re just trying to get it over with doesn’t work with eating pussy and it doesn’t work with penis either. So deep, shallow, lips covering teeth so you can apply pressure is good, using your hands, firmly is all the main course. And of course seeming like it excites you as well. Lots of men think heavier women give better head because they’re orally fixated and being a heavier woman myself I’d have to agree.”
So there you have it. Now get AT it!
EUGENE, SIR: After being married for 20 years and popping out four very large babies, is it like having sex with the Grand Canyon for my husband, or does it seem like nothing is different for him? — How Does It Feel?
Dear Ain’t No Mountain High Enough:
A friend of mine was once holding forth on this woman he had had sex with that we both knew. I asked how the sex was and he said, “It was OK but she was so … big.” And I laughed and put all of that general merriment to bed with: “Oh, SHE was big, eh?” Which underscored in total that the issue may not be her bigness but his smallness. He got quiet and muttered something about me being an ass but the point was made, this stuff is all relative.
In your case though after 20 years, both of you probably have a very good idea about what constitutes big and small but I’d ask this: Does it feel any different to you? If it does to you, it probably does to him too, but as a man who has slept with Moms I think I can honestly say that I have detected no discernible before/after difference over the course of time. Three months out? Yes. Three years out? No. Which might be a little TMI but, hey, where the hell do you think we are, anyway? We’re in the jungle of Sex With Eugene, baby (sorry, Axl).
And if your concern extends to believing there is a problem, I’d recommend the questionable advice of another male doctor, Arnold Kegel, who came up with the exercises that bear his name and sometimes include the use of cylindrical weights. Purportedly these exercises result in a noticeable tightening in as few as eight weeks. Though be warned: doing these exercises in public with the weights? May have you arrested. Or offered any number of possibly unsavory “jobs.” Without the weights? Squeeze away!