Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
Dom…Dom Dom Dom
EUGENE, SIR: I was married and am now divorced and getting back into it at 44, but some woman and I have been trying to hook up, something that’s been going OK until just recently when she told me she likes to be dominated. I just want to have sex with her but being dominated is part of the package. What does it mean and how do I do it without looking like an ass? — Bob G.
Dear Bobby G.: Many would tell you “easy peasy” and then proceed to give you some Reader’s Digest version of what they think it means to be a dom, or one who takes the dominating role in a dominance and submission scene, so that you could fake whip your way through some variation of something you saw in the movies or on TV, and hope you hit the mark. But me? Well, I’m a lifetime fan of believing if you can’t do something well? Then do something else that you can do well.
Which is to say if you made it to 44 years old never having been interested in this, now is the time to look into your soul and see how you really feel about it. If you find absolutely no contact points, my suggestion is that you be honest about which kinks are your kinks and that this just isn’t one of them. Nothing is quite as disappointing as someone doing something you really dig but doing it poorly.
Translation: She is unlikely to be fooled by you saying you’re there for the whipping but really you just came for the whipped cream.
If there are no contact points, yes, you should bail. BUT if there are? Well, you have some thinking/feeling to do. BDSM — bondage discipline, sadism, masochism — has lots of offshoots and side alleys. You need to talk to her to find out if her kink is being restrained, gagged, bound/tied, “tortured,” humiliated (verbally, publicly, physically), or what precisely she means by “dominated.”
We could be overthinking this when really all she likes is to have her hair pulled. Don’t know. But I DO know that if it’s not mild domination and if it includes some of the aforementioned peccadilloes, then your best course of action is to make an appointment with a dom/domme and pay them for what you’re thinking you might want to do with her. Just like you might get a semi-pro golfer to teach you how to golf. It really is that simple and most doms/dommes would be glad to take your money rather than have you just wing it.
Try it. And then let me know how it all plays out. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: We live in a house with an inner courtyard that gets nice late afternoon light so we usually keep the curtains open despite the fact that all four houses that share the backyard space have stairs that go to the upper floors back there. My man and I both got home early one day and started making love in the living room, and at some point I look up to see a neighbor on the stairs outside looking at us. I didn’t want to stop to draw the curtains so I frowned and hoped he could tell his attention was unwanted. He didn’t take the hint and only left when someone (maybe his wife) called down to him. Since then, things have been uncomfortable, and I’ve run into him while taking out the garbage — a few more times than I would if it was just random. I didn’t mention to my man what had happened when it was happening and didn’t do it after so it would seem weird to do it now. How to handle? — Name withheld by request
Dear Naked Lunch: There was once a “guy” who thought that having a house that was also your castle meant he could stand in front of his big picture windows and masturbate. The problem was he lived on the second floor and just as easily as he could see people on the street, the people on the street could also see him. He was warned and fined — it seems the statute is that if a reasonable person would expect that they can be seen, then they need to act accordingly. I tell you that just in case you were thinking of some sort of legal solution. In other words, you would be asked at some point why you didn’t close the curtains.
But that one incident seems to be less of an issue than the fact that you NOT closing the curtains seems to have served as an invitation of sorts to your neighbor creep. Ignore him, because as strange as it might seem, and I can’t believe I’m the one actually saying this, sometimes threatening someone with bodily harm is NOT a useful solution. If you feel your safety is being compromised or he gets more intrusive, there are stalking statutes on the books. But until then? Yeah: ignore.
Partying With Pros?
EUGENE, SIR: We have been together for close to 20 years and have talked about it a lot and want two threesomes. One where he gets to pick the woman and one where I get to pick the man. We don’t want to ask anyone we know so we were thinking about escorts. Found lots of women online but is there a place to find reliable drug- and disease-free male escorts? — Name withheld by request
Dear Paying the Piper: The same place. While I’ll have to stop short of recommending one, I had a friend who used to work at the now-defunct escort site Body Miracle. They were shuttered for a variety of reasons — which is a way of telling you to check local legal statutes first — but while most of his escorts were women, he had occasion to hire out men either as part of a couple or to male-only clients. “About half of the guys worked both sides of the fence,” he said. “But the ones who worked with women only would usually and reliably say so.” These were often usually marked by wording that sometimes said stuff like “Biological Women Only.”
While it was been noted that most of his escorts were supposed to be drug and disease free, he never checked the paperwork on these, relying on some sort of “honor system.” So, as always, safe sex is probably the smartest sex. And one other thing he says: “Tip!”