Why you should care
Because if you’re not willing to do it right, we guarantee you that someone else is.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: We have been dating for three months now. He’s funny as hell and very good-looking. At 50 years old, he’s the oldest man I’ve ever dated. But we haven’t had sex yet. And that, if you know me at all, is personally a miracle since it’s usually three dates. Sometimes three hours if things are working right. Yes, we seem to connect on a different level. I want to have sex, but now I’m nervous. It’s like there is all this pressure and expectation. The sexual tension is fairly intoxicating. I have difficulty breathing sometimes. I’m starting to think that the tension is possibly the best part of foreplay and maybe we should never have sex, and just enjoy torturing each other. No, that’s a terrible idea. I told him we can have sex next year.
Background: I’ve had sex with 14 men in the past four years, but I’ve had sex with only 15 men in my whole life. I’m going to try to make this work as long as I can. He soothes my heart. I’m ready to fuck him, and Valentine’s Day, the day we picked, seems a long way off when one is as horny as I am. — PDH (Professional Dry-Humper)
Dear Plesiochronous Digital Hierarchy: You don’t officially ask a question, which means, sort of, that you don’t officially need an answer. But, as would be assumed by any seasoned mental health professional, you bringing this up here and now means something. Is your statement a humble brag? A Trojan horse, allowing you to say that you’ve been bedding almost four men a year for the past four years? Is it concealing real concern that your gentlemen caller doesn’t find you attractive enough, and wouldn’t be able to perform to your satisfaction even if he did? Or is it just a calibration issue, with you trying to find out from one who might know whether or not this is “normal”?
I won’t fathom a guess, but I do enjoy the delay of pleasure as a way to increase and improve whatever pleasure eventually awaits. Which, if you’re paying attention, gives great grounds to your concern regarding the sex sucking (and not in the good way). Well, to quote carnival barkers everywhere, you pays your money and you takes your chances. On the one hand, older cats might be just fine figuring out beforehand whether it’s worth the effort, and they may be used to doing the math that dictates that while the average act of coitus lasts about 11 minutes, that’s a small drop in the sexy ocean of time you’ll have to spend pre- and post-event, so let’s make sure it’s worth it. Or maybe he’s one of those old-fashioned types that digs the slow jam. In any case, no matter what, there are still going to be FTFJ, or First-Time Fuck Jitters, which are real things. Just remember, though, on a long enough timeline, good sex sometimes “happens” to good people.
“Happens” in quotes? Yeah, skill, sensitivity, talent and technique are typically not things that just happen, but I’m here to calm, not panic. Which, OK, I may have just done, but it’s all about job protection, baby!
Race Traits, Race Traitors?
EUGENE, SIR: Six months with the boyfriend — let’s call him “Doug.” We’re both about to start careers as doctors, but he just dumped me. He said that he couldn���t break his mother’s heart by marrying someone who was white. I met his very light-skinned parents, and it seemed that his mother liked me. I think this is racist bullshit and told him so. He said Jews, of all people, should understand. (Yes, he’s an ass, but I love him.) How do I counter shit like this? — BC
Dear Guess Who’s Not Coming to Dinner: Talking your way out of being dumped? It doesn’t happen often, and even if it did, why talk your way back into a place with a person who might think that honesty is the best policy, but who has been honestly hurtful? Is he entitled to think dumbass thoughts and act on them in acts of apex-level dumbassery? Sure is. Is he entitled to not be exposed to your withering contempt? Nope. So, since all gloves are off, he should hear from you that while making one’s mother happy is certainly nice, having Mom pick and choose partners is just … well, crazy. It’s not a mark of a close-knit family, it’s a mark of a close-knit dysfunctional family. Because when the lights are out, partner choices are in total less about the head and more about the heart. At least the good ones are.
But — and there’s always one of those — this may have been his get-out-of-jail card and he used it in the best way possible: like an octopus squirting inky confusion to cover his getaway. “Why are you leaving?” Cue: ink. Then: Get the hell out of Dodge! Leaving you with an unpleasant but potent truth: It’s indubitably over. For good. And that’s probably good.
O Is for Orgasm
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend of the last year just told me that her orgasm is not the most important thing. What the hell does that mean? — Jack H.
Dear Hugh Jackman: It means you’re about to have an increasingly close and personal relationship with the curb. She’s trying to convince herself that your inability to deliver in the orgasm department is OK. Which maybe she really believes it is. Until she doesn’t anymore, and you come home to find more than just someone else’s hand in the cookie jar. While she might mean exactly what she says, you now have to live with the fact that whatever you’re doing is not what she needs done the way you’d like it to. In other words, would you rather be good at taking out the garbage/folding laundry/making a great stew, or would you rather have her saying, on the regular, that nothing is more important than the orgasms you most skillfully partner in creating?
That’s what the hell that means.