What Happens When You Hate Sex Columns

What Happens When You Hate Sex Columns

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Secrets of Our Success

EUGENE, SIR: Is it true that if a woman has given too many blow jobs that it would ruin her smile? In other words, she is unable to produce a full smile, [because] her upper and lower lip cover her teeth and gums more? I beg you to please not post my name … I am already embarrassed to even have had to ask you my question. Peace and blessings. – JH

Dear Just Head: While I’m unsure of what you mean by “too many” mostly and largely on account of subscribing to the theory that if one is not enough then 1,000 is not too many — which might explain my documented problems with doughnuts, speeding tickets and steroids — I’m going to take your query at face value and answer very simply: no. Though field experts I’ve chatted with have expressed some concern that the avidity with which they’ve applied themselves to fellatio may have moved their teeth out of alignment, this is unsupported by dental experts who all laughed in our faces when we asked. Not because the premise was ridiculous necessarily but because if you play football and fellate a lot, well, it will probably redound to football and not fellatio.

Undeterred, we tugged on the coat of sexual health nurse specialist Lisa Lavery who seconded this emotion. “Nobody can tell but her,” Lavery said. “I swear, the number of women who start off an examination with an apology for things like their pubic hair. MEN NEVER APOLOGIZE for having pubes. Or not washing. I’m not equating the two — more highlighting the neuroses women have acquired.”

Which got us wondering: How many men are worried about mouth/teeth/gum issues related to cunnilingus? (In literary terms, we call this foreshadowing.) We’ll soon find out but if it wasn’t entirely clear, you should be able to enjoy as much fellatio as your dance card can handle without fear of being found out via a dental tell. Hope that helps.

Cunning Linguistics

EUGENE, SIR: When I hear other men complain about cunnilingus it’s usually a taste issue or some other weirdness but it seems to me that oral herpes became genital herpes somehow and for a long time people like you were saying to use whatever dental dams are for oral sex so my question is: Are there medical reasons to avoid cunnilingus that we’re not hearing about? I’d like to do it but not if it cuts my life short. – Name withheld by request

Dear Buzz Kill: You do know that skiing, snowboarding, underwater torpedo leaguing, showering, eating ham sandwiches and hiking are all dangerous, right? I mean if you’re looking for a medical justification for not performing cunnilingus you won’t find it here. Yes, there are always ways to do anything more safely — hence the poor underused dental dams that provide a physical barrier between you and the vagina you fear. But our lives are, in general, all about risk management and making informed decisions, playing the odds all while trying to live full lives. So yes, you could obsess over herpes, thrush, HPV, HIV — though strangely enough, you’re less likely to get gonorrhea or chlamydia from cunnilingus mostly because those diseases hang out near the cervix — or you could pay your money and take your chances like Texas Guinan once suggested. Feel free to ignore me, though, and just be you. No one, believe me, is interested in having you do what you don’t want to do.

Shame on This Sex Column

EUGENE, SIR: I have enjoyed reading your news articles for the past few months. They are interesting, and it pleases me to find at last a news agency that honestly seeks to rise above the toxic political rhetoric and just give the news objectively. Your choice of highlighting other places in the world is also very important, as you help expand our horizons and consider other places besides the U.S. The only thing I find inappropriate is your article Sex With Eugene. Posting an article with a headline such as “The Fluid Dynamics of Fellatio” is not only offensive for some readers, but it colors the rest of your image negatively. If you want to reach both conservatives and liberals by presenting yourselves as a good quality, professional news source, by inserting articles about sex that are inappropriate for many conservatives, you risk being viewed as more of a trendy news agency with a Cosmopolitan bent. – Chris Crossan

Dear Mr. Crossan: Thanks for your letter and your generalized appreciation for our efforts at informing not only our understanding of news and events connected to said news events but also how it ties into the rest of the world in both the realm of ideas and actual policy. That said, I believe a deeper read of OZY would show that not only are we curious about a world worthy of that curiosity but that nothing that’s human is foreign to us. Nor should it be.

Your discomfort with either fluid dynamics or fellatio, or very possibly both, does not please us, though, but maybe for reasons not so readily apparent. By consigning our interests in and concerns for the very significant somatic portion of our lives, you might be ignoring all of the substantial social ill that’s causally connected to our very real problems with sex and sexuality. And aligning this with Cosmopolitan, as you have, shows that we’re getting closer to and not further away from a certain rigid negativity connected to one of our most human of endeavors. While I understand that not everything is for everyone, my most sincere hope is that you set aside some time to reconsider how important sexual satisfaction is to keeping all of us sane, happy and healthy.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.