Why you should care
Because if you’re lucky, sex problems might just become sex solutions.
Wild in the Streets. Wild in the Sheets
EUGENE, SIR: I’m kind of a wild woman and at 35, I realize it’s best to advertise this rather than deal with uncomfortable mismatches later, so I do. But how do I say that “wild” is not some menu item of things pulled from porn, like pulling my hair a little or slapping my ass, but more about the spirit of wildness? I mean, I like my sex to include no real boundaries but just be how your spirit moves you, and instead what I find is the most painful vanilla shit ever. This is not about men being able to be men. This is about men being able to be creative. Help. —Vick E.
Dear Victory Over Europe: This is quicksilver and probably to a certain degree what we’re all trying to catch: the nonduplicative experience. But how to teach creativity? Or, put more precisely, how to create an environment where anything is possible and therefore probable? I imagine this is all about being the change you want to see. If your capacity for this kind of creativity creeps out your audience, then move along, it wasn’t meant to be. And what’s the worst they can do? Go to Tinder and tell “everybody”? And? My advice is this: be forthright about your freak and count on fellow travelers finding YOU.
EUGENE, SIR: I have an ALMOST relationship with a guy I met online and loved since the very first time we spoke. It’s a long distance thing and we’ve seen each other five times in six months. Before the second date, he confessed he could not have sex due to recovering from surgery. We then tried on our third rendezvous, but no way to get “him” into the action. He then had the nerve to declare he was not attracted to me and that’s why he failed. Fast-forward to our next encounters: Things get better and better, but he rarely has an orgasm. He says “he doesn’t mind,” but I just don’t believe him. Add to it he’s not into oral because of very firm religious beliefs and I have very limited room for action and creating new scenarios! It’s sad. And yet I love him fondly. What do you think? What can I do? – Ballerina
Dear Black Swan: Valiant you. Typically those who publicly claim to not find the subject of their attraction attractive should quickly be given their walking papers. You, however, seemed to see through this fusillade of excuses and realize the not-so-simple truth: Dude is terrified. So: “I’m religious”, “I had surgery,” “I’m not attracted to you”? Misdirections, also known as “excuses.”
Sounds like his base of experience — and I could be wrong here — is scant, and he doesn’t want to reveal what he doesn’t know because people don’t like doing, and aren’t particularly bold about, what they think they’re not good at. Also, if he wasn’t really attracted to you, do you think he’d still be seeing you? So I’m just telling you what you already know: It’s not your fault.
However, what you don’t seem to know is that you’re aggressively ignoring nature’s warning signs. “An ALMOST relationship” is not a relationship. “Loved since the first time” works in movies, not so well or often in real life. And “not into oral”? For religious reasons? What verse and chapter is this? And to top it off, you only love him “fondly” and not “madly”? Of course not madly. Your sex life with him is jacked up, and it’s not entirely clear that this will be cured by time.
So the question remains, and you’re the only one who can answer it: How much “work” is too much work? I’m voting for giving it three more months max. Longer and you’re wasting his time and yours. Good luck.
Eugene Is HOW Wrong?
EUGENE, SIR: Why wouldn’t you suggest to LS [“When Private Porn Goes Public”] to try self-pleasuring? The easiest way to “coach” a willing participant is to know what you like yourself. Foreplay can be the time when the woman gets off. Intercourse, for some women, is merely the cherry on top. I’ve liked most of your replies, but I think you missed the mark here, and I think you know it. She may feel a sense of urgency, but bedroom problems aren’t solved overnight. And how is masturbation not a long-term solution? It shouldn’t be the whole solution but definitely a part of the long-term menu and as close to an immediate result as you’re going to receive. She mentioned having only been with her husband and having kids early. While not a sure thing, I suspect some sexual repression has played a role in her life. She even says she doesn’t want to die sexually. Someone who masturbates successfully doesn’t use that terminology. Also, her husband is apparently willing to do foreplay but not well, and then she asked how he can get better. He can get better by her knowing what she likes. Simple as that. – KC
Dear Sunshine Band: Masturbation didn’t really seem to be a long-term solution here. But I guess you mean as an instructional tool? In this instance, I didn’t think that captured the urgency of her need and didn’t include an unspoken but totally necessary enough is enough/“threat” factor. I could be wrong, but I doubt it. I also don’t know that I’m as willing as you are to have her carry the weight for his failures. And realistically, I don’t suspect she wrote me to be told, “You can start by helping yourself, and the best way to help yourself is to masturbate in front of a husband you don’t even feel comfortable enough to talk to about improving his performance.”
I’ve seen variations of this from any number of different sides, and directness is not always the best and most successful strategy, since there’s a strong chance he just shuts down. And when he shuts down, OTHER parts of the relationship worsen and you have a downward spiral, the outcome of which is the furthest thing away from good sex you can imagine.
So in the real world, a gentle urging toward behavior that might be mimicked and at the very least introduces a kink into what’s become a parade of unpleasantness for at least one participant still seems the most sensible idea to me. But your counter, if she should so choose it, is now offered here as well. Cheers!