Why you should care
Because bad sex can always get worse.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: I weigh about 220 pounds. I’m 5′4″. I have not always been this heavy, but for a lot of reasons I’ve ended up here. I don’t like it and have plans to lose it, but this is where I am now. I am not writing about that. My husband and I have been married 10 years. He’s not bothered by this. In fact, the exact opposite. He really likes it. I’m glad that he still finds me sexy but suspect this has uncovered a kink that can only be satisfied if I stay this weight. And to be very frank, while spreading baby oil on me and rubbing himself in my folds of skin might be sexy for him, it is not at all for me. Where do I go with this? —Name withheld by request
Dear Weight for It: This is a tough one with tough variables that I get the sense you too are trying to get a handle on. To wit: Has the fetish always been there and he just sniffed out your potential for fulfilling it? Does it feel good to be accepted as you are? Does it feel bad to be fetishized? Is the sex the same outside of the skin-fold sex-frottage thing? If you lose the weight, does he lose interest? And most important: Can you trust him at your Weight Watchers meetings after you start losing weight?
To quote Chevy Chase, I don’t know, WFI. But I do know this: Your questions cut to a fundamental concern of lovers everywhere. Is it me or their idea of me that forms the basis of what they mean when they say “I love you”? To which I’d answer that that might be a distinction without a difference. He may be doing something weird, but I can’t believe this is the weirdest thing he’s ever done, and if his love of you includes you at 220 pounds and even you being worried about being 220 pounds, I don’t know that you need to go anywhere with it. You have concerns, he seems to have none. Share your concerns with him and it may happen that he still has none. Lose the weight or not, seems like he’s in it for the long haul. THAT’S where you go with that.
Mouth Sex? Nein Danke!
EUGENE, SIR: Am I the only man I know who doesn’t like to have oral sex done to him? How do I stop people from trying this? It’s not that it doesn’t feel good — it’s just that no one does it right, and I can’t tell them how to. I’m 32. —Rob
Dear Robespierre: Hmmm, well, I don’t know if you are the only man you know who doesn’t like fellatio, but I do know this: It’s fairly popular. Specifically among those with penises. Not as popular as millions of dollars. I mean, I don’t know anyone who would trade millions of dollars for fellatio, but again, it probably depends on who is doing the fellating and how much cash you’d have left over after you traded. So, um, yeah, there are varying anecdotal degrees of interest on the part of those on the receiving end, but in general it now constitutes a full range of personal sexual expression. But you don’t care for it, and that’s fine. I imagine there are others like you out there. For a variety of reasons, from not wanting their others to give themselves over to an enterprise that doesn’t directly contribute to their own pleasure (not true, BTW) to feeling pressure to perform by way of an orgasm, some are not playing ball.
But how do you stop people from trying to fellate you? If this is what you really want and this is not just a cover for you being unable to tell them how you like it, presuming you’re not tied up when it’s happening, how about just switching to something that works better for you? Yeah? See? This is why I am so good! No need to thank me either. Just get out there and have a good time!
EUGENE, SIR: I just had a foursome with my current boyfriend, my ex-boyfriend (whom we are good friends with) and his new girlfriend. Things went well, but at some point my current saw how hung my ex was and a few days later, it’s become a thing. Like, he’s screwing me really hard and being more aggressive than he had been. I don’t know if this is why; I am just guessing. I want to, in a nice way, tell him that S and I are exes for a reason but fear this might backfire. Suggestions on how to deal, please. —Terri
Dear Ms. T: I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: threesomes, foursomes and group scenes are pro-level affairs and should not be embarked on by amateurs without a whole hell of a lot of thought pursuant to the idea that all kinds of things are going to happen that you don’t expect. He didn’t know about your ex’s penis size prior to your outing but YOU did. I’m not saying this is your fault. I’m just saying it should have been considered whenever the plan hit the planning stage. But that’s water under the bridge. The actual bridge? Well, I think you just have to ride this one out. (Or dump his ass.) Since anything you say by way of mitigating his low-grade misery will just make it worse in the same way that being told “Your penis is NOT small” probably doesn’t help anybody with a penis. He may forget this before too long, but that depends on how friendly you are with this ex. One thing I wouldn’t do again, though? No more foursomes with this twosome. That will help no one. However, if you DO dump Mr. Tiny Tool? Well, then, no need to worry about helping anyone. Just expect HIS girlfriend to give you the stink eye if you come hanging around. Something I’m guessing you can deal with.