Too Soon, Too Soft, Too Small?
WHY YOU SHOULD CARE
Because sometimes it’s easier to leave you than to help you.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: In my marriage of eight years, my wife often made me feel guilty about my orgasm, particularly when it happened before hers. She just wasn’t giving in that way. For that reason (and a variety of others), we didn’t have sex for the final two years of our marriage. When we got divorced and I began to seek dates with others, I discovered that the antidepressants I had recently started decreased my sensitivity, which made me last much longer. While this has led to some seriously fun, athletic sexual encounters, it’s also occasionally had me wishing that, after an hour or more, I could just come and be done. I’m also worried that when I right my ship and exit the land of antidepressants, my penis will go right back to its highly sensitive ways. Should I be concerned, or is this simply an issue of mind over matter? — B. Ravo
Dear Tango Foxtrot Bravo: Comedian Dave Chappelle has got a bit where he makes the claim that none of his orgasms are premature. Nope, he says, they’re RIGHT … on TIME! Then he talks some more smack, advising his partner to keep up. Funny on the stage. Not so funny in the bedroom especially since, in my experience, I’ve heard from women who suffer with partners who have problems with pacing — let’s call it that — that they’ve put up with for upward of 12 years in one case. Which has caused me to honestly consider: Have I ever heard of any man anywhere who was that patient with the absence of an orgasm? Not even a little bit.
But this is not about that. This is about your well-founded concern that the old you will undo all the good work the new you has been putting in. You don’t give me any sense of how much time has passed between events, or whether or not you’re circumcised (I’ve heard that can make a difference in sensitivity levels). I know someone who experienced the so-called leg up offered by antidepressants, the chemically induced lack of orgasm or delayed orgasm and then a return to even keel, and you know what happened to him? Well, having de-signified the come-too-quick bit and evolved into a different, longer-lasting understanding of himself, he got to greet the passing of the old him with about 30 minutes of rootin’-tootin’. Leaving his partner happy, and, as a consequence, him too. Which makes sense. I mean, I haven’t heard or read anything about premature ejaculation being chemical, which in my mind makes it a head trip. And if it’s a head trip? Well, the heads are on your side. So let me know how it goes. Do not send pictures.
The Erection? She’s Over.
EUGENE, SIR: The other day when me and my lady were having sex, out of nowhere I couldn’t stay hard. It’s happened a few other times with different women. Nothing can get my erection back, not a blow job, not porn, not giving her foreplay (which is usually a sure thing for me). I understand that she feels like I don’t desire her because of this, but it seems she doesn’t understand how much pressure it puts on me and now I have the yips. The next time I got erect but couldn’t stay erect, I pulled out, got semi-hard again using my own hand and then went doggy-style and came with a semi-hard penis. Is there something I can do without using pumps, medications or injections? Another thing, her vagina smells a little different from other girls’. I’ve been trying to talk to her about this but can’t find a way to bring it up without offending her. Any suggestions? — Chris
Dear Mr. C: You’re doing two things here and I’ll deal with the last thing first while uncoupling it from the first thing, which is really your apex issue. So here goes: The smell is a red herring (an unfortunate turn of phrase in this context). I don’t think it’s the real issue, and if it is, move your play to a shower or a tub. Which is to say: Hygiene can be fun! However, I suspect building a causal chain in an attempt to explain away the intermittent erection issue is where you’ve gone with this. That being said, do not ignore your nose. My nose has frequently sniffed out bad partners for me well before I’ve figured it out myself. The nose knows.
But you do know, in a philosophical sense, your erection is eternal. Your perception of your erection, however, is fleeting. And since perception is reality, well, you’re going to have problems and the problems are going to cause you to have subsequent problems. To quote Tony Montana, “It’s hard to be a mang.” Or not hard, as the case may be. So while you could have some sort of medical condition, which your doctor might be able to help with, I suspect this is a building hysteria that feeds on itself and the only way out is to relax. While it’s hard to relax if you’re screaming RELAX at yourself, you should realize that the odds of you never getting another firm and lasting erection ever again is very low. So just play the percentages and embrace the fact that this present stumble won’t last forever. And medication is not totally a bad idea. Sometimes.
The Queef Beef
EUGENE, SIR: So, I like the sound a vagina makes when I penetrate it — that farting sound, it turns me on. My friend told me the sound happens because she’s got quite a vacuum down there. Is it because I am small or big that it makes that sound? I think I’m average, but I believe it’s not how big the boat, it’s how the boat rocks in the ocean. — ???!!!???
Dear Riddler: There’s no reputable study that correlates penis size to vaginal noise. Though this lack of academic/medical interest does correlate to being able to lay your penis on a ruler — any ruler really — and determine exactly how big it is. However, if your concern is about how big is it relative to whichever vagina you happen to be matching it to, rest assured that average, according to Medical News Today, as of March 2016, is 4.7 inches to 6.3 inches. Hope this helps.