To Orgy or Not to Orgy

To Orgy or Not to Orgy
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Why you should care

Because sexy is not a synonym for fun for no reason.

How to Recognize an Orgy

EUGENE, SIR: I just got invited to a “clothing-optional” party but don’t have any idea what that means. They say women can be comfortable coming alone but that I can bring someone if I want. But I don’t know if this is an orgy or just, like, a nudist pool party? —Feeling Too Stupid to Ask

Dear … Anybody but You, Eugene: First, I’ll tell you just like a 4th grade teacher once told me: The only stupid question is the unasked one. I mean, she was wrong, of course. There are LOTS of stupid questions and lots of stupid questioners, but basic queries regarding your private parts? Not stupid at all. Now you don’t say who invited you to this clothing-optional party, but I probably don’t need to tell you that there’s a big difference between being invited by a trusted friend or, as might be the case in some Silicon Valley soirées according to “recent” reports, a professional contact, but your instinct for caution is wise. If it’s a professional invite, it’s not really a professional invite. Simply because I know very few people who’ve either given millions to someone because they’re naked in public or been given millions for the same.

Nah. This is a capital-P party. The purpose of which is to maneuver through all manner of social niceties — dinner, lunch, dinner, drinks, talking, texts, plans and planning — and getting to what could easily be the most exciting part of being just about anywhere: sexy time. At best. At the least, hanging around with people who are comfortable enough to spend that hanging-around time hanging around naked might be a mellow, fun time. With provisos — and here’s where the 4th grade teacher was dead on the money: Bring a buddy.

Which is to say it might be reasonable to sidekick yourself with a control group or, in the worst case, a witness.

So let’s recap: If it’s “professional”? Forget about it unless your profession is being professionally naked. If it’s not professional, go, but with a friend, and remember: Just like any clothed circumstance, you should plan on ONLY having sex with people you’d like to have sex with IF you like to have sex with people who want to have sex with you. And being naked is not a sign that you want to have sex.

Outside of that, let your spirit be your guide and go and have fun. Or don’t.

Oral Sexology

EUGENE, SIR: Does that alphabet thing really work for oral sex? —Tongue-Tied Boy

Dear TT Boy: I’m presuming you mean the armchair sex advice that has the hapless spell out each letter of the alphabet with their tongue on their erstwhile partner’s vagina? Um, sure, it works. Probably just as well as adding up baseball scores or thinking about dead people when trying to delay orgasm. These so-called “tricks,” while they exert the placebo effect of making you feel good/better about your chances of getting the job done, don’t necessarily get the job done for the same reason that mouthing a rehearsed speech feels less legit than one delivered extemporaneously: They’re inorganic.

Getting lost in the person and the experience of the person? That’s sexy. Grimly attending to some rote recitation of the alphabet during mouth sex? Not so much. I’m not saying it won’t work. It may work some of the time, but it will feel like work after a while, and who wants their private parts to be played on like a work site?

So if you’re trying to “develop” a “game plan” for your partner’s privates as a start to just getting in there and being comfortable being in there, maybe it’ll give you some sort of focus. But as soon as possible? Jettison it for the better part of improvisation. I mean, they don’t call it sex play for nothing.

Open-Relationship Agita

EUGENE, SIR: We have an open relationship but not by my choice. My boyfriend of the last two years likes the idea of an open relationship and since he doesn’t seem to do much fucking out of our relationship I feel like it’s just because he wants me to do it. Then tell him about it. I think he likes to think he could take it, but he can’t really and then we fight, which is so stupid. Then I started to think that he was doing this because he’s really bi and wants to somehow sexually connect with these other men. But what the hell’s really going on? —Rae

Dear the R: Well, lots. Like the old joke about the guy who keeps getting sexually assaulted by the bear only to eventually be asked by the bear, “You don’t come here for the hunting, do you?” it seems your beau’s interest is not really in an open relationship as much as it is in the mechanics of how he’s enjoying your “infidelity.” If he wants to fight about it, presumably because he feels “jealous,” I suspect if this were real, he would have left a long time ago. The fact that he keeps “fighting” leads me to believe it’s all show, showing what he’s not honest enough to not conceal and that’s that his attraction is very specifically to the discomfort he feels. I’ll stop short of calling him a masochist, but I think that would be warmer than the tortured logic involved in trying to believe this is really just some sort of bisexual fantasy of his.

So, what to do? Enjoy the game as it’s being played or leave. But do not get confused: There’s nothing going on here that he’s not interested in, no matter how much he doth protest.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.