Through a Glass Darkly, or How to Survive Hotel Room Sexcapades

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Let’s Eat Out

EUGENE, SIR: Hey, I found that the best way for me to enjoy receiving oral sex is if I sit on my partner’s face with them on their back. The women I have slept with have no problem with this. Half of the men have complained or not liked it. Half of those then went on to do it a different way that does nothing for me, and I said so, but they refused to go back to their backs. What’s going on here? —Allison

Dear My Aim Is True: It’s funny how men sometimes think of sex. I think psychiatrists call what happens in certain instances “projection.” Admirable in a lot of circumstances, but it’s not so admirable in this one because when a man imagines what he does when he’s with his female lovers being done to him, he’s vulnerable to a weird kind of creeping homosexual panic. So anal sex becomes this taboo thing because when he imagines himself being the recipient of such attention, it feels everything but good as it gets tied up in uncomfortable power dynamics. Or it doesn’t and the homosexual panic increases. The same could be said about facial ejaculation or, in your case, a sexual position that seems to be a skosh too passive for a portion of the men you’re bedding. Now maybe, in all fairness, these dudes have some sort of garden-variety claustrophobia and we’re making a mountain out of a molehill — in which case, maybe have a secondary go-to position. But if that’s not it, well, you know no one is paying you to babysit them. Let them loose to not please someone else. 

 

The Rhythm of the Rhumba

EUGENE, SIR: There’s a rhythm to having sex, and I mean it’s like a song with predictable dynamics. How do I get my boyfriend of the last six months more in tune with this? I’ve tried dictating speed by grabbing his ass so I could slow him down. I tried getting up on top so he could see what speed works best for me and I have even, and I’d guess you would suggest this, talked to him about it. So far, nothing. He got kind of offended after the talk but the first time we had sex again after that, I could tell he actually was trying, but do you have any trickier tips that’ll get him to where I need him without the hurt feelings? —Name Withheld by Request

Dear Speed Queen: Ass grabbing? Check. You on top? Check. Talking about it? Check-check-check. Looks like you’re doing all the right things and are on the right road to a temporally consistent round of coitus. My guess is that at this point this is just a function of time (since you didn’t peg him as a premature ejaculator). So if you have the time and are willing to spend it, then it seems you’re finding that this is time well spent. Keep on keepin’ on, specifically to your question, which would now be better framed as “is there anything ELSE that could be done?” And the answer is always yes.

For example, inviting your lover to watch you masturbate would be instructive. Role-playing is also a way to establish new ground rules under the aegis of “role-playing,” avoiding the butthurtedness that sometimes goes along with a mid-course correction. And if these are too aggressive, might I suggest something a little more subtle: sex music that’s consistent with your preferred rhythms. So, less Slayer, maybe more Barry White. 

Give it a try, let us know. Good luck!

Head Over Heels 4 U

EUGENE, SIR: Strange question: We have a romantic anniversary weekend in Vegas coming up and are going to stay at the MGM Grand, and since my wife’s an exhibitionist, I wanted to have sex with her in the window, on the window, but a friend of mine told me that people are always dying this way when they fall out the window. Is this true? —Window on the World

Dear WOW: OK, if you’re thinking that people are opening windows, leaning out of windows or over balconies while having sex and then are slipping out and over and then down to the ground below? This happens too. But will it happen at the MGM Grand? No. The windows at the MGM Grand can’t be flung out or open. But do not confuse this for a green light on window sex, and I’ll tell you why.

A friend of mine had been a union glazier in New York City. He’d slide 10-foot-tall sheets of glass into frames for glass-covered high-rise buildings. The frames were screwed in by people called fitters, I believe. The fitters were having union problems. In any case, one day he and his crew moved one of these massive sheets of glass into a frame and were about to walk off when the 1,500-pound sheet of glass slid from the frame and floated down to the pavement below like a playing card. A playing card that weighed 1,500 pounds.

It didn’t kill anyone, though it clearly could have. I am presuming the fitters got what they wanted after that, but the point is, windows in very tall buildings might be placed there by angry people who hate their jobs. Moreover, the case that I think your friend was referencing happened in Wuhan, China, back in 2013 when a couple making love against a hotel room window fell to their deaths below when the window gave way. This actually happened and if you’re tempted to look it up I’d suggest avoiding looking at the photos. 

So while I don’t know that people are ALWAYS, in this way, dying during sex, one time is enough for me. My advice: Have sex in front of the window, but do not LEAN on the glass.

End note: The windows at the MGM Grand are tinted, possibly because of people with your wife’s proclivities, but there are dozens of other places to have sex in Vegas where you can be seen, maybe not arrested and, if what they say is so, whatever happens in Vegas that isn’t a felony stays in Vegas.

Now, go have a blast and don’t scare the people!

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.