Why you should care
Because having great sex is much better than enduring the bad.
EUGENE, SIR: My fiancee and I have dated close to two years and I’m excited about getting married. But I’ve noticed something so please tell me if I am crazy, but when I tell her “I love you,” she never says “I love you” back. Or she doesn’t say it a lot, and I can’t remember when she said it last. Maybe something I’m imagining, but should I ask or am I being sensitive? I mean, I noticed this two months ago and have been tracking it. —Not Wanting to Make Waves
Dear Wave Runner: Sometimes something is nothing and sometimes something is something else. In your case, it could be six of one and half a dozen of another, or, in true Othello fashion, you could be getting well ahead of yourself and in a paranoiac spiral, yeah, imagining stuff that’s not there. But let’s look at what’s known, or at the very least, what I know. You two are getting married. More often than not, the lion’s share of planning and organizing will fall to the bride, creating a situation where she’s beleaguered, busy and focused on doing that which you are not doing.
“How hard is it to say ‘I love you’?” you might say or, indeed, have said. Well, not hard. Of course, that’s not really the point. The point is assessing which hell you’re in and how to get out of said hell. Since now — and you probably don’t need me to tell you this — you’re in an unenviable position. If you reveal to someone who wants to conceal something like, for example, the fact that they no longer love you, they’ll either double down and give you what you want to hear to assuage your concerns, or go 100 percent candid and confirm your concerns.
If the latter, your problems are over. But anything but the latter won’t make you feel better since really, you suspect it’s the former, and proving someone is lying about something like this on the basis of what they say or don’t say is not only a fool’s errand but damned near impossible.
So how to win here? Go the goose-gander route and stop saying it to her? NOPE. Unless you’re in sixth grade. Ask her directly? Many would advise this but I understand paranoia and know in this state, nothing said will make you happy, so, no again.
My advice: Keep on keeping on, do as you would and understand that it’s rare that anyone has to pussyfoot around really bad news. And this is binary: She loves you or she doesn’t. In the fullness of time you may very well find out which it is. But look at it this way: At least you have a 50 percent chance of being right. That’s all anyone can ask really. Good luck.
My Filthy Mind’s Eye
EUGENE, SIR: When I am having sex with my wife, I sometimes fantasize that I’m having sex with someone else. Melania Trump mostly lately. This makes me feel unfaithful and actually dirty, and like I should apologize to my wife. It is sort of funny, I know, but it also feels like I’m keeping secrets from her and that I’m not into her, which I am. Is there an explanation for what’s happening? —Name withheld by request
Dear Careless Whisper: An explanation? You’re human. This accountability for any and every thought, no matter how transient, seems to be an outcropping of a social media mania that makes every offhand comment a cause for commentary and fundamentally outrage. So let me be the first to say what maybe you most need to hear here, and that’s that there’s a difference between thoughts and words for a reason. Thoughts, the handmaiden of the id, are where you should be allowed a grand amount of license. Even where Melania Trump is concerned.
Your obligation to turn these into words for your woman? Only if you think it’ll “help.” Otherwise you’re introducing difficulty where there is none, nor where there needs to be one since unless you’re in a social circle that involves Melania, the actual likelihood of you bedding her is not an issue. Nor is the issue of you imagining your wife is her. While this might make your wife cranky, you imagining your attractive wife is an attractive other woman just seems to be a trick of the mind to me and not a portend of something deeper and darker.
Sharing it with your wife? While I can appreciate the value of the complete free flow of information, this is the deeper, darker you don’t need. It’s like having a press conference to announce that sometimes you think about murdering circus clowns. Won’t help, could hurt. Which could be said about much oversharing. Keep your own counsel and it will keep you.
EUGENE, SIR: Before I met my current love I had a history, and for part of it I went to an orgy, and he’s bent out of shape about it. We talked about it and it’s getting worse, not better, but he’s hung up on the fact that I was the only woman there. What’s the deal with men not being able to let this go? —AK
Dear AK47: In the name of accuracy, it must be said that what you’re calling an orgy, while technically correct, would be better known in less formal parlance as a “gangbang.” That is, one person having sex with many who are only having sex with that one person. So, instead of everyone having sex with everyone, orgy style, everyone had sex with only you. There’s a difference, but mostly I imagine the difference is in what he might feel is an effort to bullshit him about what exactly happened. One is being part of an orgy while the other is about being gangbanged. The difference and distinction don’t matter at all when you two are faced with the fact that you can’t change history. So, maybe try improving the future. Specifically by getting over it. And if he can’t do that? Float, float on.