Why you should care
Because caring about bettering bad sex, in general, makes really good genital sense.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
The Totally Unsexy Death of Sex
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve been with my wife for more than 10 years. The first two years, sex was amazing. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. One night I took her on a hood of a car in the street. We just didn’t care. We are members of the mile-high club. By year three, it was still good. Not great, but good: three to four times a week. But for the past few years, I’m the one who has to initiate the action. I’m damn good at foreplay and doing the deed. But she has changed a lot. Like, the lights must always be off and I can’t see her naked anymore. Granted, she has put on a few pounds, but I am pretty much the same.
I told her a few times how I feel. But nothing. She walked by me, I went to touch her, she backed off. I got, “Don’t touch my ass or tits — I’m no piece of meat.” I said, “Fine, whatever.” She has a ton of insecurities. I still try to tell her how beautiful she is, and I do mean she is beautiful, but she will have none of it.
So one morning in May, I looked at her and just lost that feeling. It’s gone. I warned her one day I would be just like her, and now I hate coming home. I hate going to bed even more. I don’t want her touching me. I lost that feeling of wanting to touch her. I feel like she just shut me off with all her bullshit. Now she wants me, but I can’t fake it. I love her company, but I really don’t want to touch her and I even go out of my way not to bump into her. I also have to think of other chicks to get hard. And sex really sucks now. I have no stamina and just want it over. I tell her no, I have a headache, or I’ll say I have the shits. I have a bad knee and shoulder and I tell her they are acting up and I’m in pain. I don’t even jerk off. I really don’t care if I ever have sex again with her, I’m just turned off. Is there anything I can do to get the lust back? —Anonymous
Dear Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow: Short answer, no. Seriously. Every other advice columnist will give you some variation of yes, and it’s not so much that they’re liars but more that they’re telling you things that just won’t come true. Sure, toothpaste can be put back in the tube, but no one has the patience or the interest to try. And realistically, all of what you describe could be symptomatic of everything from the poor body image you reference to the possibility of an affair she’s had to help with the poor body image. In the end, though, eros — that is, erotic love — is quicksilver and magical and trying to will it back into existence is like trying to force someone to relax: counter to your actual ends. Is it gone forever? I’m not saying that. But at this point it seems to me that you must risk that possibility of being gone forever before you two will relax enough to wonder in a weak moment, “Hey … we really had something hot there once upon a time, didn’t we?”
But as of right now? Seems to me this cake is done. My condolences.
Performance-Enhancing Recreational Drugging
EUGENE, SIR: Ecstasy is supposed to be good for getting in the mood, but once I’m in the mood on E, that’s about as far as I’m going. So I started wondering which drugs that we might casually consume actually help sex along? — Name withheld by request
Dear EeeeZeee: Drugs are funny things, especially ILLEGAL ones, so in asking or answering it would probably be prudent to always say, “So I’ve HEARD,” and what I’ve HEARD here is that they ALL interfere. The issue is: Do they interfere in a way that helps the sex versus a way that hurts the sex? Helping being what’s happening when the sex continues enhanced, and hurting being what’s happening when it all comes screeching to a halt. The best place to go for those who want to know? Try Erowid. It specializes in harm reduction and that’s probably precisely what we’re talking about when we’re talking about illegal narcotics. Or so I’ve heard.
Sex at 65
EUGENE, SIR: My erection remains for about two minutes. Is there a simple solution to make it last longer? — Najmul
Dear Naj: Find a partner who orgasms in about two minutes? Outside of that, there’s more a list of what you shouldn’t do: Stay away from the creams and pills that promise longevity. Deadening sensation will work on you, but it will also work on your partner and this cuts to the point: You’re wanting it to last longer than it takes your partner, which is Good Lover 101. But perhaps what you’re saying is not that you orgasm too soon but that you just can’t maintain the erection beyond two minutes? If that’s the case, you should see a doctor as this could be a sign of a more serious underlying illness. So see a doctor. Like, now.