The Fluid Dynamics of Fellatio

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Head-to-Head

EUGENE, SIR: It’s harder for my lover to stay erect when he’s flat on his back and I’m giving him oral than it is when he’s standing, kneeling or sitting. I haven’t asked him, though, because I don’t want to stress him out with what might be just a casual observation. But if it’s something I’m doing wrong, I’d like to know. Or, if I could do it better, I’d also like to know. — Allie

Dear Ms. Way: And you thought we were only going to talk fellatio. As luck would have it, the key to understanding the finer points of erections probably exists midway between Boston University’s College of Engineering and its School of Medicine’s department of urology. Specifically, in the mind of a big brain like the late Daniel Udelson, whose paper “Biomechanics of Male Erectile Function” set a high bar for hard-on research.

So while I welcome any serious discussion about the angle of the dangle, the genius Udelson went deep, deep, deep into axial compressive loads, lacunar spaces and Poisson’s ratio. Along with formulas not fit for anyone who didn’t make it past high school calculus, he covered the long, hard road right to the heart of your query. I guess. 

And, being many bricks shy of a genius, guess is all I can do, even after reading the paper. But knowing what we know about edema, fluid leakage and the subsequent swelling that afflicts those who are prone in bed too long, we can surmise that many, if not most, erections would benefit from the free flow of fluids like the blood that makes a half-mast hanger into something worth saluting.

Angling his torso up, maybe with the help of a pillow or two, would improve the flow of blood to his penis. Standing, kneeling or sitting might be your best bet.

Unless … well, unless it’s a psychological thing, and then all bets are off. But this is within your control. Try a few different positions and see if they make a difference. Good luck!

 

Size-ology

EUGENE, SIR: We swing, and most of the experiences have been good, but I just discovered something that requires some clarity. Our last guy-girl-guy setup was with a guy who had a penis much larger than mine. When he and I switched positions, my partner’s vagina had expanded. Like I said, his penis was apparently larger than mine. When I entered her, it was, and there’s no other word for it, underwhelming. Something like this happening had never occurred to me before since I’m not small by any means. If my observation had been private, that would have been fine, but whenever he entered her, she went berserk. In the end, I just ended up sort of watching. Not out of the ordinary for me, but for the first time I was slightly scared. Solutions? — Name withheld by request

Dear Apparently: Apparently? My man, I’m suspecting there was no “apparently” about it, and for the purposes of this discussion let’s just cut through the equivocation and state: His penis was bigger than yours. It might be distasteful, but it’s real and this column is about nothing if not that. Eventually and inevitably this was going to happen, given the laws of distribution; at the very least, you should have considered it. But I’m going to talk you down because craft will get you further than heft, at least some of the time. 

The simple solution — having him follow you, not the other way around — is not nearly as significant as the need for you to realize this: You are the partner of record, which means your intel is much better than his intel. How does your partner like to be touched, where and for how long? This is invaluable knowledge and something you’d have been sure to remember if you hadn’t been so shaken off your game.

You got a chance to experience the effect your size might have had on other men, and it’s good to remember that there’s always going to be someone out there better outfitted, kitted and more skillful than you. But that’s not the point. The point is that you two are together for a complex calculation that takes into account much more than penile length and girth. 

Just in case I wasn’t clear enough, I’ll spell it out for you: Don’t swing with the dude again. Long John is unlikely to help you, your head or your relationship. 

ABC: Easy as 1-2-3

EUGENE, SIR: During a hookup, I was enjoying him going down on me, right up until I figured out he was just tracing the alphabet with his tongue. For which I blame you and all the other “advice” givers. You are well-intentioned, but I can’t stop laughing now, and despite laughter being good for the soul, it’s very bad for the orgasm. So thanks for not much. You owe me. — Fuck You Pay Me

Dear Henrietta Hill: It should be noted that I’ve never encouraged the “alphabet method.” I also don’t do pickup lines, shtick or anything else touted as “tried and true.” If I’ve said anything consistently, it’s that sex play is first and foremost play, and you all should have a good time delighting in the process of discovery, the key to a nonpareil experience. Alphabet Man was probably doing his best, but even the best sausage ceases to be good when you see it being made.

As for your “owed” orgasm? So, it’s my fault you can’t keep your head in the head game? Ha-ha … I don’t think so. 

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.