Why you should care
Because if the world’s going to go public about your privates, you want the news to be good.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Cherries on Top
EUGENE, SIR: My woman likes her nipples handled. I mean roughly. This is her thing. But when we’re screwing she sometimes reaches up and squeezes mine. Sometimes maybe to remind me to work hers. Other times it seems like she just forgets and is grabbing on to anything and squeezing. Hard. Hard enough that it hurts enough that I start losing my erection. How do I get her to stop without sounding less than manly? — H.M.
Dear Harley Golightly: To a certain degree sex is always about competing urges – control, loss of control, comfort, discomfort – in odd measures and even odder time signatures. And sometimes stuff you like on Tuesday will not be stuff that you like on Thursday. Or ever. Instead of being a passive participant in YOUR sex life just do what you’d do in “real” life if someone is doing something you don’t like to you: stop them. If you don’t want to “sound” unmanly by ASKING her to stop, grab her hands and hold them.
She may get the idea, she may not, but as long as you do this every time she does that? Your nipple pain will be minimal and your concerns about manly v. unmanly? A thing of the nipple squeezing past.
EUGENE, SIR: I’m a BBW [Big Beautiful Woman] and weigh over 100 kgs [220 pounds]. I don’t have a problem at all with how much I weigh. That’s not the issue. The issue is, I have discovered from one of my lovers, that it seems like men assume somehow that heavy women give better head? Because supposedly we have a more finely tuned oral response? It sounds crazy to me but given that it seems to drive men to me I’ve not been complaining but suddenly it’s made me paranoid and I am wondering if men are approaching me because of this. A lover of mine seriously swore up and down that this was the case based on his experience and why he dates exclusively heavy women. Sure he meant this as a compliment but no one likes being part of a fan grouping. Have you heard this before? Any ways you can think of to make me less weird now about giving head? —Kelli
Dear Rockwell: I have a friend. He does one thing well and one thing really poorly. The thing he does well? He drives. Like Speed Racer. What he does poorly? Anything having to do with academics. Not because he is stupid, because he’s not. But solely because he’s Chinese. “I know what people are saying. Cheating off me on tests because they think I’m smart. Screw them.” Seriously. He purposefully did poorly in class. And at last check, while he may have upended stereotypes, being an unemployed truck driver seems a high price to pay for doing so.
Similarly, getting weirded out over what you, if your lovers are to be believed, do well is doing some serious cutting off your nose to spite your face. I mean we like the people we like partially because of what they represent. If you’re heavy your lovers might enjoy the weight, the heft, the largesse, significant hips and breasts and yes, your purported ability to give head well. Is this ALL they’re enjoying? Probably not and I’d like to give you a little credit for being able to weed out the chubby chasers and fan boys. Once weeded out, why punish those who remain for liking you for you?
So yes, I have heard this before. And if my answer has not made you less weird? Well … it should.
EUGENE, SIR: A question for you: if you are in a relationship with someone who seems to actively withhold affection and then flips out at you for asking for more intimacy and sex, that had to be a sign of a relationship not being workable right? — Emile B.
Dear E.B. White: There are some who believe that romantic relationships are like family relationships where you have no choice who you’re related to and sometimes soldier on for years in a miasma of substandard because, well, just because. Your sister will always be your sister, your dumbass brother will always be your dumbass brother and you dread holiday gatherings and anything else that’ll put you within spitting distance of people who you do not choose to be around but for this accident of birth.
If you’re smart your personal romantic relationships are nothing like this.
If you’re smart and your personal romantic relationships are like this, then you should probably end those personal romantic relationships. And while I hate to use sports analogies for stuff like this, the fact remains if you’re not ready to play when you’re being called upon to play you should get benched. Or traded. Have a headache, stressed, your mother got a gold nipple? Doesn’t matter. Being in a relationship is about being in a relationship. If the person with you is conflicted about this save yourself some grief and let them get the hell on.
Life’s way too short for this kind of aggravation.