Why you should care
Because time, and orgasm, waits for no one.
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EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I married right out of high school in a whirlwind military romance. Now, five years and two kids later, our intimacy level has flopped tremendously. We’ve been put through the ringer and dealt with an affair (his) and a porn addiction (his again), along with few other issues. We have worked hard in therapy to overcome these issues and our relationship has been stable for almost three years. He is an excellent father and provider and a great partner. But we have a practically nonexistent sex life. Despite all of the medical tests indicating that he is a healthy mid-20s male, his sex drive is still severely lacking … like, every two to four months lacking. And although I have a much higher sex drive, I still can’t just turn it on the once every two to four months he happens to be in the mood. When I bring up my needs, he gets frustrated with me and says that he can’t force his body to perform, but if I turn him down, he also gets frustrated. How can I get him to understand that a high sex drive doesn’t mean you can skip out on foreplay? Is there any way to more equally match sex drives, or are we just doomed? — Sex-Starved Housewife
Dear Hungry Harriet: Honestly? The first word that crossed my mind at your letter’s end: doomed. But wait, wait, wait … that’s just the first word and it probably popped up because you used it first. The reality, though, is these kinds of holes are very tough to dig your way out of. This is not a therapist talking, as they will always advocate “trying,” and while trying is all well and good, it doesn’t seem to give a nod to the fact that this is life and death and treating it any other way is almost to choose to fail. Which is just another way to paraphrase Yoda: Don’t try, DO.
Which is to say one, or both, of you is going to need to get ahold of some known facts. Specifically, the facts that brought you together in the first place. Neither of you can have changed that much in five years, especially if your numbers are right and you’re about 23 now. There had to be a reason you wanted to sleep together in the first place. I don’t need you to tell me what it is, but you two should know what it is.
Second, people say planning is not sexy, and they might generally be right, but once every two to four months is death and neither of you is dead yet. So, PLAN it. And not just plain ole IT, but get-a-baby-sitter-and-go-all-cheap-hotel IT. Leather sheets, in-room cable, no-time-limit, no-holds-barred FUN.
And lastly? It’s not just about foreplay in your instance. You are both tired and stressed — the affairs, the kids, the porn addiction, none of that is helping, nor will just foreplay. Have a heart-to-heart discussion about divorce, because if you’re going to do it, then DO it, and if you’re NOT, then get serious about fixing things. That’s the name of the game and you’ll both have to risk it all before you can regain it all. Good luck.
Sexy Sex With Eugene
EUGENE, SIR: You are very sexy. — Prosenjit
Dear Pro Player’s Handbook: Thank you, sir. I admire your candor.
Race-Based Sex Preferences
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 24 years old and have been dating “Sara” for the past 11 months. She has her own business, I’m in marketing. She is white and I am Black. During a long night of drinking after a dinner party, one of Sara’s friends — possibly her best friend — let loose that she had never slept with a Black person before. Wouldn’t expect anyone else to remember this the next day, but I did. I mentioned it to Sara and she didn’t remember. Since then, Sara’s friend has mentioned it after not drinking all night. In fact, she’s mentioned it about five times now. And every time, in front of Sara. I look at Sara and have brought it up later, but she dismisses it and says that her friend is “only joking.” What do I do with this? — Zig or Zag
Dear Zigzag Man: I always prefer to err on the side of candor, especially since everyone in the room is acting like the elephant in the room is not an elephant and not even in the room. The first time, it’s a joke. The second time? Maybe. But times three, four and five, someone is saying something they’re not honest enough to admit to if they’re backing away when called on it. Which you haven’t actually done. That is: called the friend on it.
So in situations like this, it’s always preferable to say, “What kind of elephant do you believe this to be?” rather than cop to the conventional wisdom that if we all agree we don’t see it, then it doesn’t exist to be seen. What do I mean? Next time it comes up, you might ask, “Is your query about Negro penis meant to solicit Negro penis?” If she but blench, to paraphrase Shakespeare, then you know your course. Since if this IS what she’s saying, I’m sure you can help her find what she seeks. If this is not what she’s saying and she’s “only joking,” well then, it’s now well known that you’ve definitely heard this one before. And probably would be totally OK not hearing it again.
Give it a try: Could help, wouldn’t hurt.