Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
Up on the Down Stroke
EUGENE, SIR: This is somewhat shitty and I’m unsure if you can even help, but I’m taking drugs for depression. So now I am not depressed, but a side effect is I can’t orgasm. Which is depressing. But not as depressing as life is if I don’t take them. I know sex is not all about orgasm, but they are nicer to have than not. I still want to be interested in sex, which I’m not really now, so is there an arousal drug like Viagra or some sort of food for women that might help me with the orgasm thing? —Better With Than Without
Dear Best Women’s Travel Writer: I’m no doctor here, but I’m pretty sure that Viagra is not an “arousal drug.” Certainly not in the sense that if taken by people who are not already aroused by the cut of your jib, they will suddenly become aroused by your jib. Viagra will aid in a preexisting arousal condition, but I think what you’re really asking is this: If you’re not in the mood, is there something that will put you in the mood?
Short answer? Yes: cash. I find cash arouses me more than I care to admit. But we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about you, and your quandary is serious and a real thing, as people on antidepressants have discovered. So how do you cut off the low lows without also cutting off the high highs?
While there are lots of over-the-counter “remedies” for women, there also seems to be no shortage of people poised to take your cash to solve what seems to be a problem without any proof that it actually solves that problem. However, in 2015, they came up with, amusingly enough, an antidepressant called flibanserin that was later found to also double as a sex-drive booster for premenopausal women. They advise that you take it once a day and if you take it once a day and don’t suffer dizziness, fainting, fatigue, low blood pressure, nausea or sleepiness, you might be in the clear.
Of course, before they got the nod for this from the FDA, they had to prove that this was the case, and trials indicate there was only a 0.5 increase over a placebo for women who took it. Leaving you? Precisely nowhere. So my advice is, and remains, go to see your doctor to weed out other possible causes of low desire and see if you can’t engineer your way out of that. Good luck.
A Little Help From, Like, Your “Friends”?
EUGENE, SIR: Sorry, guys, but need your advice: If your ex, remarried with kids, asks you for HOT sex simply because her guy can’t do much anymore, what do you do? Please help. I’m battling with my faith here. —Juicy Joe Ade
Dear “Lemon” Ade: A sage witness once succinctly said, “Your penis is not a charity,” and this is probably as true now as when it was first uttered. Besides, there’s an old saying that covers sleeping in the beds you’ve made. I’m unsure of the circumstances of your divorce and whether she asked you to go or you wanted to leave, but I do know that you’re being petitioned to handle a problem that’s not yours. And what annoys me most about it is what feels like the lack of honesty. You all want to have sex? Fine, do that. But do that without resorting to the things that people do when they want to mitigate guilt: causally connect stuff that should never be connected.
Her husband is shit in bed? Not your fault, nor should this impress you. This should depress you, since this speaks less to your talents than to his failures. While I imagine it’s flattering to know that you best the man she may, or may not, have left you for, flattery should get no one anywhere. Besides, the down-the-road complications are legion here. Especially in light of the fact that there are plenty of people looking for HOT sex, so why this one?
I know battles with “faith” can be sort of sexy, and I’m not telling you NOT to do it. I’d just advise that your eyes be opened as clearly as possible when/if you do so.
Ma Bell + Ill Communication
EUGENE, SIR: I got caught chatting with a cam girl. Chatting and I guess I was naked too while chatting. Didn’t hear my wife come in. This was last month. We’ve been arguing ever since. I said I was sorry, but she wants me to explain and I’m trying but nothing I’m saying is making her happy or making sense to her. Advice. —Name Withheld By Request
Dear Naked Chatter: If nothing you’re saying is making her happy OR making sense to her, it’s clear that you should stop saying ANYTHING. It’s also clear that whatever you’re saying is uncovering the last thing we ever want uncovered when we think about our partners: that they’re dumbasses who we were fools to trust in the first place. You’re not being castigated for masturbating, er, I’m sorry, chatting while naked, sir. No. You’ve disappointed her because you’re dancing around the involvement of another woman. Sure, while she’s a ”cam girl” who fundamentally doesn’t care whether you live or die, and who you will never ever meet in person and whose real name you don’t know, she’s also a woman you’ve chosen to spend time and money on and with.
Which speaks volumes about choices, tastes, interests and whether or not in that mother/whore two-step you’ve shunted her into the mom slot.
Translation: There’s absolutely no way YOU are going to be able to talk your way out of this. Shut your mouth, hope she gets over it and try a little harder next time to be more discreet about things that might grievously hurt someone you’re supposed to love.