Why you should care
Because these questions could be your life and these answers could save it.
EUGENE, SIR: What (in double-blind empirical tests) “proven” eating habits make semen (mine) taste better? Right: “Better” is subjective and normative, so let’s say “less bitter,” “sweeter,” “less salty” or even just less intense. I ask because one of my girlfriends had told me “eating pineapple,” but I feel there is a great deal of placebo effect going on here. Firstly, my other girlfriends do not seem to notice the difference as much, and the pineapple enthusiast claims my semen tastes better when she believes me to have eaten pineapple (even if I have not). Yes, I tried tricking her in my own little experimentations. I ask you because (1) searching online gives me any number of conflicting and ridiculous suggestions, including much unwanted advertisement, (2) I’m sure you are much more up-to-date than I on reading the relevant scientific journals, and (3) maybe you (we?) can get some kind of experiment funded. Thanks much. —Ian
Dear Mellow Coconut Oil: I am extremely disappointed at your lagging spirit of scientific inquiry and failure to grab the bull by the horns, so to speak. I mean, why rely on anecdotal accounts of what your semen tastes like if you have your semen at hand? That’s right, boy, get IN there and do some taste TESTING.
Especially since it seems to be a growth field: One of the first things you’ll find is that though this field has been well-plumbed, it’s been under-studied, what with most medical types not really ready to allow that the taste can be changed via diet. However, anyone who’s ever been on the business end of an ejaculation might disagree.
“Taste doesn’t just come out of the air,” said a retired porn-star friend of ours whose claim to fame was some measure of squirting herself. “It’s as different as the people it comes from.”
So while the usual bad taste suspects keep coming up again and again — alcohol, asparagus, cigarettes, coffee, dairy, fried food — what’s less agreed on are the foods that might help. Pineapple is on the list, you’ll be happy to know. But in this distinctly nonscientific sampling, fruit comes up a lot.
And here’s a bit more good news for semen sippers: Calorically speaking, it’s only about 20 calories per shot, Mr. Ian. So feel free to experiment away! And if you stumble into some funding, like down at the bus station or in the bushes at the park, please be sure to tell them that you’re a “scientist” and this is for “medicine.” And stuff.
EUGENE, SIR: My friend’s boyfriend of a month went to party at the University of Arizona this past weekend. Do you think there’s any chance he didn’t cheat on her if he said he wasn’t going to? He hasn’t been replying to her texts much either. —RLG
Dear Wake Up + Smell the Coffee: I am going to assume that anyone going to a U of A party should be going to U of A party — ruling out degenerates, graduate student hang-arounds and alum — and that they’re in the 18 to 22 age grouping. Which means, very specifically, that they are there very specifically TO cheat no matter WHAT they say. Yes, you might find some character-full individuals who, like Dr. Suess’ Horton, will mean what they say and will say what they mean. But much better to plan for what from my vantage point is the vast majority who will not be held off by some threadbare promise when opportunity knocks. Loudly.
I don’t leave my dinner on the floor and come back surprised when the dog has eaten it. It’s similarly almost cute the willingness to believe in the validity of promises made by people who have no idea how hard promises can sometimes be to keep. So it’s not so much that he might be a liar, it’s just that stuff that he’s saying might not come true. All the difference in the world.
What keeps me sane? The idea that if you can’t actively see your partner? They’re probably cheating. Crazy, yes, but calming in the long run. Since reality will never outpace your fantasy. And if it does? Write me!
My Husband, My Disappointment
EUGENE, SIR: I kept expecting him to get better in bed. We were young when we got married, 23 years old. But after 10 years of marriage I can see that not much will change. I don’t want to get divorced, but sex that lasts only about six seconds is making me miserable. We have been to therapy, and when we go to therapy he gets better. I mean half a minute. But even that is not enough. I am not just guessing at how long he lasts. I have counted. Please don’t tell me to have an affair, either. We have two small kids and I don’t have the time. Help. —Name withheld
Dear Waiting for Godot: Sorry. Your situation doesn’t just seem dire. It is dire. So much of the sexual exists in this shadowy place of knowns and unknowns and tastes and tendencies that making any sort of scientific sense out of it is almost a fool’s game. But one thing I have seen over the years of watching and opinionating: Very few talk their way back into sexy. That is to say, when sexy goes, it’s gone. You might successfully outwait this so that in 20 years the person you used to like to have sex with suddenly reappears, different somehow, because now you’re looking at them with eyes un-bleared by the rigors of child rearing. But for this to happen you would have to have some pleasant memories to draw from, and it seems you don’t. Masturbation might help. But that’s got little to do with love. Sorry.
You got questions. That’s not a question, that’s a statement of fact. So send them to me at firstname.lastname@example.org. None too small, none too big, and definitely none too stupid. I got answers.