Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
EUGENE, SIR: I’m having an affair with a married woman. I’m also married. We recently got cited by the police. We were having [sex] in her SUV at her old high school of all places. Terribly embarrassing and we’d probably have gotten away with a warning, but I got angry with the cop. What’s done is done. I just need to know how to keep things from getting worse. Ideas? — Name withheld by request
Dear Mr. Grant: The law, as my cop friend tells me, at least in California, is probably Penal Code 647(a), and it covers lewd acts in public. “This includes jacking off in public under sweatpants. I mean even when no one sees your dick,” the officer says. While he claims that he’s caught lots of people doing what you have done, he usually lets them off with just a warning. You did the wrong thing twice it seems and got a citation for a misdemeanor, and this is where it gets sticky, so to speak: A misdemeanor means a court date, which means paperwork mailed to your house or hers — a situation that could lead to discovery, which seems to be your real concern here.
It’s also now part of a public record, though this would only be found if someone were looking and they’d have to dig deep to find out how you had violated PC 647(a). So, conceivably, if your respective spouses were to get this letter and ask you about it, you could use the old “I had to take a pee” dodge and hope no one digs any deeper.
Hope this helps. And here’s something else that might help: hotels, motels, Holiday Inns. Just an idea.
EUGENE, SIR: My lover confessed to me that he’s bisexual. I knew something was up since he’d been acting weird lately and while I was expecting some other kind of confession, I was happy to have this one versus one about cheating. I’m bisexual too, so no problems. But now, weeks after the confession, while he seems happier to have his secret out, I’m not finding the “new” relaxed him so attractive. Since his confession, he’s been, and this isn’t kind, really swishy. I don’t want anyone to have to live a lie but who I thought he was is not who he is, and I’m adjusting, but my adjustment has me less interested in him sexually. Even I think I’m being ridiculous, but I don’t want to lie either. I love him but not like a lover now. What to do? — Dawn
Dear Break of … : The politics of arousal usually — actually always — dictate to me that in somatic matters it’s always best to intuit the way forward than to ideologically structure it according to dogmas, standards or beliefs. Unless your interests are criminal this should work almost always. But what I’m guessing based on what you have said is that your arousal and attraction were based on an amorphous appreciation for his maleness. Now that the boundaries have been pushed away from what you feel is elementally attractive about men, just a skosh, it clearly doesn’t include his feminized variant.
Leaving you? Loving him like anything other than a lover. Listen, the fluid dynamics of some of our sexual personas might lead you to believe that things will cycle either forward or backward to a place where love and sexiness reign, but our most valuable asset is time. Spending time hoping that this moment comes is pointless.
Besides which, I’m quite sure if you’re feeling disaffected, so is he. Parting now as friends is much nicer than later after one (or both of you) has been subjected to the tyranny of the other’s expectations. So have a chat with an eye to being sensible and nice about the whole thing and hope for the best. Good luck.
With a Quickness
EUGENE, SIR: Is there a way to get my husband to come more quickly? It takes him about 30 minutes to orgasm. It takes me about five. I know it doesn’t take him 30 minutes when he masturbates. I am OK with having more than one orgasm, but we have two kids and we don’t get a lot of time alone so we don’t have a lot of time. I also don’t like being sore. Are there tricks I’m missing? I see the pornography he likes and it’s usually women like me so I know he’s attracted to me. — Name withheld by request
Dear Speedo: What a pleasing change of pace. A letter like yours is rare in this neck of the woods so I’m glad to get it. But you know TTO, or Time to Orgasm, varies not only from person to person but from sexual experience to sexual experience. If you’ve been married long enough to have generated two offspring you might have a sense of what works and what doesn’t, but combined with that is also a familiarity that may be deadening. Or, in this instance, slowing things down. How do I know this? Well, my guess is that the first time you two had sex it wasn’t taking 30 minutes for him to orgasm. Correct me if I am wrong. Yes, he was younger then and everything was new, that’s sort of the point. Even if you mix it up a bit, it might change the pace. Remember, sex is about play. So the expediency needed to get it done before the kids get back should in no way make this a chore that needs to get crossed off a list.
Which is to say: Time flies when you’re having FUN. Now plan accordingly.