Why you should care
Because bad sex doesn’t get better by itself.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
ATMs: Not Just for Cash Anymore
EUGENE, SIR: OK, so at work today the guys that we call muscleheads were having a debate about getting blow jobs after anal sex. My boss, a big musclehead himself, responded in complete disgust. He added how idiotic and unhealthy such an act would be and that he’d never do such a thing. Of course they had to bring me into the conversation. I said, “Uh, NO.”
I also asked if after the woman in question oral-sexed them following anal, would they let her stick her tongue down their throat? They were not having it. What the hell? — L.Z.
Dear Landing Zone: If you start off fully embracing the premise that sex is messy, sort of in the same way that going to the beach is messy, people having sex, or going to the beach, might have more fun. Shorn of the expectation that what you’re about to do will fit neatly into some sort of hermetically sealed, boy-in-a-bubble world, there will be fluids, smells (not odors necessarily) and more fluids. These are not issues to be endured but part of the pleasure, since they signal, to a great certainty, that someone is actually having FUN.
However, another part of sex is the sense that what you’re doing when you’re doing it is naughty, transgressive and fundamentally different from dozens of other domestic duties you might find yourself drawn into at your domicile. Naughty, nasty, nonstandard and delightful purely because it is so. I mean, if your sex on some level is not a game of I Dare You, you might want to reconsider your approach.
But jumping into the deep end requires an understanding of what it means to be in the deep end. Specifically, the health issues your boss is referencing. Health issues connected to the transmission of amoebas, hepatitis A, genital warts, stuff from E. coli like shigella, giardia and, of course, the usuals: herpes and syphilis. And they’re transmitted by, let’s be honest here, fecal matter.
So there are plenty of reasons to avoid what the porn world calls ATM, or ass to mouth, play and there are plenty of reasons to avoid kissing someone who has just sucked your feces-plastered penis. There are also plenty of work-arounds that involve dental dams or other barrier methods. But that’s all pretty academic and we know better than most that there’s an ocean of difference between what we say and what we do. But, if you’re going to throw caution to the ATM wind and you’re a musclehead? Don’t skimp on the kissing, punk. It’s what we in the biz call “fair play.” Be about it!
EUGENE, SIR: My wife cheated on me a few months ago. I have forgiven her and we’re working very hard to try to fix what is now a 15-year marriage. I want us to both get tested for diseases so it’s something I don’t have to think about, but she says that she always practiced safe sex when she was cheating on me and is accusing me of bullying her because I’m upset about the affair. Am I a total ass for believing that someone who has lied to me might not be telling me the truth now? — Don
Dear Don Quixote: Let’s answer your last question first: No. You are in no way an ass for asking for some sort of reasonable accommodation for your continued good physical health, at the very least. Everybody’s got reasons for everything, but when you get busted for something like this, your next move is to throw yourself on the mercy of the court and that does not include balking at what should be a routine annual testing battery anyway. No need to demand anything, but if there is to be a resumption of regular marital sexual contact, it should be with condoms until test results are forthcoming. It’s too bad that this feels like bullying, but you asking is causally connected to the connubial crisis you now both find yourselves in. Which is connected to your unasked question connected to whether or not it even makes sense to stay married. Something only you and your cheating-and-lying-like-a-rug partner can decide on. Good luck.
An Orgy of One!
EUGENE, SIR: I’m tired of masturbating thinking about my ex. What should I do to get more sperms and enjoy masturbation? — Navin Niish
Dear N-Squared: Hmmm … you want to get more sperms so that you can have more fun masturbating and maybe even masturbate more but be able to do it while not thinking about your ex? A reasonable request, but let’s decouple how much sperm you have from how often you’re thinking about your ex, OK? Oysters, black-eyed peas and asparagus, among a handful of other foods, are known to increase your sperm count. Which is totally different, it should be noted, from the volume of your semen. Volume can be increased by eating things like dark chocolate and keeping yourself well hydrated. Which takes care of the sperms.
Now, your ex? There may be no help for this outside of realizing that with 7.3 billion people on the planet — and even knowing that men outnumber women by 60 million — approximately 49.59 percent of the world’s population is female and there’s got to be one a little better suited for you than the one you lost. In other words, the numbers are in your favor, sir. So get out there and start masturbating to thoughts of those millions of women not her.