Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
Live at 5
EUGENE, SIR: I always had sexual fantasies that I learned early on put me out of the mainstream. In high school, shaming got me to conform. And it worked; I did normal. But now, 10 years married to a very good man and turning 40, I realize I can’t do it anymore. I have read you enough to know that sometimes, it’s OK if fantasies stay fantasies and I should have indulged them before I got married. But should I go to my grave not having indulged them? My husband would want me to be happy even if the idea of me having sex with five men at the same time might not appeal to him. I’ve found a lifestyle site and found some men who are interested. You’re not my last line of defense, but if you can think of a way to solve my dilemma, I am listening. —Alice
Dear Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore: A noted serial killer who shall remain nameless here because he got way too much press during his worthless life made the claim that being driven to kill, or rather the urge to kill, was like getting a song stuck in your head that you absolutely can’t get out. In his case, that was presumably until he sang it, which resulted in someone dying.
Similarly, the reason why temptation is such a successful motivator has to do with how effective it is at grabbing you, holding you and how good it feels when you eventually yield to it. But much like our noted serial killer, the byproducts are less than helpful. In your case, specifically, going through your plans for what’s colloquially called a “gang bang” seems ill-advised since it appears you’ve made a decision to ask for forgiveness rather than consent.
If the current conversation has taught us nothing, it’s that it’s always better to ask for the latter before the former. Your choosing not to do so, in my mind, shows lack of conviction and sort of weirdly gets me to think that part of your fantasy actually involves pressing that big red button that causes everything to collapse. So the thinking I always advise doing I again advise doing, because if you just want to blow up your life as you know it, then you don’t need my help. But if this is really your fantasy and it’s leaking over into overwhelming temptation land, I really suggest you talk to hubby about it.
He may not dig it, in which case, at this point at least he won’t be surprised by what happens next. But he MAY. I mean think of it this way, and if you’ve been on lifestyle sites you know this: Plenty of couples are digging on this, and they had to start somewhere. Also, having him in attendance probably will go a long way toward keeping the party polite. Or at least as polite as something like this ever gets.
So, yeah. I’m always going to err on the side of disclosure, and so I’m advising you to disclose. Your husband might surprise you. One way or another.
Don’t TOUCH Me: Postcoital Panic!
EUGENE, SIR: Immediately after having an orgasm, my penis is so sensitive I can’t stand to have it touched, but whoever’s helped me orgasm doesn’t automatically stop. How do I stop them without seeming like a crazy man? —Touchy
Dear Mr. Feely: Do you often have a hard time stopping people from touching your penis? Do you think that stopping people from touching your penis is crazy? Do you have an aversion to grabbing your own penis postcoitus and covering its head with your hand before collapsing in a postcoital clump? Am I helping here at all? Hope so.
When the Wild Years Stop Right Before They Get to YOU
EUGENE, SIR: My wife had a much more wild sex life before we got married. After we met, she decided that I’d “saved” her from all of that. The problem is I find myself getting irritated about a past I didn’t have and a future I will not have. We’ve talked about it, but she accuses me of watching porn and tells me that “wild” stuff is kid stuff and I should grow up. I suggested couples therapy, but she says we don’t have a problem. We’re 37, and I don’t want to cheat, but I don’t see that I’m being left many other choices. —Unwilling Savior
Dear Is There Any Other Kind?: My condolences. But there are a few things going on here, and they’re very simply slotted into either True Belief or Opportunism. Which is to say your wife either really believes what she’s saying, in which case she might be convinced by compelling counterarguments, or she’s using your nice-guy willingness to believe just about anything to avoid a certain type of sexual contact with you. The latter is more problematic because it’s undergirded by a belief that you CAN’T do it, and if she’s thinking you cannot do it, that’s probably a conclusion reached after much trial and error, error, error.
So while being an opportunist is, in general, not that praiseworthy of a way to be, in this instance it might be said that it’s because she cares that she’s not telling you the real reason she’s not moving to #ProLevelStuff with you and that’s because, like Jack Nicholson claimed in a movie of old, “You can’t handle it!” And the only reason you couldn’t handle it — and this is the part where I tell you what she won’t — is that your bedroom skills are lacking.
And while you might be thinking, “How will I get better if I don’t practice?” the truth is that practicing is only fun if you’re practicing together. As equals. See, for a tennis pro to play tennis with a non-tennis playing nonpro? No fun at all.
For the sake of this column though, let’s assume she really means what she says, but before you start to try to frame or reframe a counterpoint, realize this: Very few people turn down the promise of a great orgasm, making that your best argument ever. So stop pushing, face the future, not the past, and realize that this is supposed to be play. So put away that scorecard and just … play. You’re unlikely to regret it.