Why you should care
Because life’s too short to be spending it screwing badly.
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Harmful vs. Harmless: Discuss
EUGENE, SIR: My girlfriend and I were at a birthday party. Dancing, drinking. At one point the birthday girl’s boyfriend announced that he wanted to get everyone’s participation in giving his girlfriend a present from all of her dear friends and she leaned over the couch, pulled up her skirt and invited everyone to spank her. A little kinky, party fun, you know? My girlfriend participated too but later we had a huge argument. She joined in only after I did, she said. She said I almost knocked people down to get up there. I don’t remember doing that but me and his girlfriend are not even Facebook friends, so I’m not sure I see what the big deal is. Do you? —What’d I Do?
Dear Be Afraid. Be Very Afraid: You really need to view every moment of your relationship pre-marriage as an audition. Or a job interview. Which is to say: EVERYthing is a big deal. Not saying spanking the naked ass of nearly nude girl is off-limits but unless this had been a previous topic of discussion that the TWO of you had meditated on prior to its actually happening you were violating the number 1 rule of relationship togetherness and even swinging: no unilateral action. You spank ass together. You decide to spank ass together. You laugh about having spanked ass afterward … TOGETHER.
And discuss doesn’t have to be lengthy or involved. A nod toward her and a whisper, “you want to do this?” would have gone a long way to you not having to fight later. Because this gives your partner a chance to sign off on it. Or not. So just to be clear the issue was not really spanking the firm, taut buttocks of your friend’s girlfriend. The issue is how you went about it. And that IS a big deal. Why? Because if you had any swinging aspirations they have now been set back at least six months until you’ve demonstrated that you understand the meaning of teamwork, understand? I hope so. Those taut naked asses are not going to spank themselves!
EUGENE, SIR: I was hanging out with a friend of mine. We had been drinking. He had been saying we should go out and get some head. I borrowed a line that was supposed to have come from John Lennon in a similar circumstance and said, “Yeah. But I don’t want to wait.” He kind of laughed it off but now a week later things are still a little weird. I think he’s being kind of old-fashioned about this. Fixes? —Jamie
Dear Sometimes You Feel Like a Nut: So you made a pass for penis and your pass for penis was not positively received? And the pass receiver feels a little “funny” now? Funny. You know there have been people who have murdered people while drunk, and you’re asking me how to fix a failed pass? Here’s my advice: Forget about it.
You suggested he blow you and he’s taking offense? He should have taken offense the last 10 times you asked for rides to the airport, so yes, I think he’s being a little old-fashioned. UNLESS you’re not telling me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. If you asked him like Ben Kingsley in Sexy Beast? Repeatedly, forcefully and with your pants off? He might have grounds for feeling a little uneasy come Monday.
In any case, homosexual panic is what it is, and jogging him out of it shouldn’t be your job even if you’re the one who panicked him. Mostly because it’ll never work. If someone’s panicking, telling them to “calm down” never works. Waiting it out? Might. But why is it only dudes making passes at friends? In my entire time sitting under the “Help 5 Cents” sign, I’ve only heard of a woman doing this ONE time. Know your audience, my man. Know your audience.