Why you should care
Because it’s easier to have me tell you how to do it than to have me show you how to do it.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Sex Stalled: Part 1
EUGENE, SIR: Dr. Ruthinson 🙂 I’ve heard that when one doesn’t have sex for a while, it seems physically less important (including solo activity). Then, when a new relationship starts or a dormant one is reactivated, the body responds accordingly and suddenly can’t get enough. Assuming we are talking about people over 40, is this experience fairly common for both genders? —Sindie
Dear Judy Bloom: You have heard? Like during gym class and this one girl was talking to this other girl and they said that when “old” people have sex, all matters known and understood become matters unknown and misunderstood? Something like that? Listen, I appreciate your effort to get some clarity on something that maybe occupies your thoughts, but asking me questions you could answer yourself seems like a cry for help. And not the sexual kind. But because I’m a seasoned sex columnist, I’ll try to do what I can! First, if you haven’t had sex for a while, it’s not so much physically unimportant as it is accommodated. You miss lunch? You’ll be hungry. But if you’re in the back of a police car, as Maslow might suggest in his hierarchy of needs, you have other things on your mind.
Barring that, though, like most will tell you, a dip in sexual interest might be medical. Which means: See a doctor. Either a head or body one. In regard to the revivifying effects of new relationships, well, yes, there is that, even as unlikely as it seems that a person not interested in sex time will find their way to sexy time. But maybe your real question is this: Is it common that I’d rather watch the execrable and unfunny Jimmy Fallon than have sex while watching the unfunny and execrable Jimmy Fallon?
Sure, it’s common. Despite what Madison Avenue might have you believe, sex guarantees that 100 years from now there’s someone who looks like you sitting around writing questions to someone who looks like me. Leave those active breeding years behind and most men and women undergo hormonal changes that will alter their feelings about sex. It’s a function of time, and while you might be able to remember running a six-minute mile now, you might definitely not be able to actually run a six-minute mile now. Same with sex. But different, since, while you can remember wanting to have sex eight times a day, you very clearly may have no interest in actually having sex that often. Nothing wrong with that. Call it “the new normal” after 40, if you will.
Sex Stalled: Part 2
EUGENE, SIR: My wife and I have been married for seven years now. At first we had sex all the time, but not so much anymore. It’s been four months, and now she has said no more oral, giving or getting, and she gets dressed in the bathroom. I try to talk to her, but she gets mad and storms off. —Robert Lowrey
Dear What the Hell Did You Do?: Like Eddie Murphy’s stepfather would say when, as a kid, he’d complain about something bad that had happened to him: What did you do? You must have done something. Which is exactly where my mind goes to right about now since from what you’ve said it doesn’t seem so much a gradual drop-off in frequency, which is exceedingly normal. Nope. It seems sudden. Which leads me to suspect there was an event. Something you said, were overheard saying, left on your computer or reported back and, based on her unwillingness to even get dressed in front of you, well, the Columbo in me is thinking it’s the kind of thing a woman getting older in a long-term relationship might be sensitive about. Like what? Like the genius who thought it was wholly appropriate to tell his wife, “Well, your tits have been SHOT since you had the kids.”
He may have been angry. But not nearly as angry as he was when he “discovered” his wife was later — yes — having affairs.
So my advice to you? Forget about trying to remember what you did and start thinking about what you’re going to do. A charm offensive works well. Unless, of course, she’s already moved on to the “having affairs” stage, in which case you’ll have a totally different letter to be writing me. But barring that? You’re only going to earn your way out of this. And if you love her, it might be worth it. If not? This is your ticket OUT!
Ecstasy vs. Ecstasy
EUGENE, SIR: I don’t want you to get in trouble for doing what might seem like advocating drug use, but … I am going to use ecstasy anyway, for a lover’s weekend away, and neither of us has taken it before. I have heard different things, so I want to know, does it make sex better? —Name withheld by request
Dear Eazy-E: Well, it’ll make certain parts of sex better. Like the parts that involve touching and feeling and empathy in general. Before it was criminalized, “medical professionals” seemed to feel it had psychotherapeutic benefits based on its abilities to generate empathy. But black-market anecdotal studies, for which Erowid is our favorite source guide, seem to indicate that for the man of the couple the erectile responses could be hit or miss. That naturally has led people to combine it with Viagra. This is a lot of nonmedically indicated experimentation, and so it’d be irresponsible for me not to say here: Be careful. Drink fluids. Keep your expectations low-key. Don’t operate heavy machinery. Or make any voting decisions.
Now: Good luck!