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A Dearth of Ding Donging
EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I have been together since we were teens. Both of us have been only with each other sexually. The problem is my libido is very high and his isn’t. He works away from home for long periods of time and will come home for a few days and then go back. We’ll have sex the first night he’s home, but after that it’s a fight to get him interested again. For example: He’ll be gone a month, will be home for four days and we might have sex twice during that time — once when he gets here and maybe once the night before he leaves again. We are only in our 30s and I feel 30 years older. I’m left with the kids on my own, and I don’t hear from him for days on end, and when he’s home, he basically ignores me until he’s done playing his video games. Is this normal in a long-term relationship? That the guy’s interest in sex and/or intimacy just dies away after kids and work? — Name Withheld by Request
Dear Only the Lonely: I’d like you to ask yourself a simple question, and it’s this: In the vast landscape of the future years of your life left on this planet, do you imagine you will never have sex with another human, other than him, again? If you’re in your 30s, that could be at least 50 years of this. Is that even a possibility, no matter how steadfast you are? I think, on a long enough timeline, when laid out like that, it seems fairly obvious that this thing of yours is doomed. Which pains me to say, because of the kids. But video games? Or, more specifically: video games versus your hot, yielding and wanting body squirming in bed?
Like Big Mama pointed out in the great Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, a Tennessee Williams play and a movie marginally about a sexually withholding husband, if there’s a problem between a man and his wife, it starts “RIGHT C’HERE,” she said, pointing to the bed. So while I usually get letters like this from husbands dealing with overburdened new mothers, it is not unusual, to answer your question, to find in long-term relationships. It’s what some might call a certain kind of “bed death.” The next question is usually “What can I do to bring the magic back?” To which I usually answer: Get a lover.
Now a commenter got all over me on this on the grounds that she and her husband went through a tough patch and pulled it out in the end. So, sure, it’s possible, but the variables are wild and wildly variable: Are both partners faithful, are there health issues — and this would include depression — is everything else GREAT but the sex, and on and on? Which means, probably, if this is only the case for the past few months, maybe it’s a phase. If this is stretching into years? You have a problem that needs to be solved. How you solve it has everything to do with how earnest your IN-relationship attempts have been to solve it. If they have not been earnest, make them earnest. If they have been earnest? See above re: a lover. Good luck.
High & Tight
EUGENE, SIR: I’m gonna sound mean, Gene … but, well, my girlfriend’s mechanics are great. She’s 37, had three kids, but it feels brand new EVERY SINGLE time! In fact, if we go a few weeks without intercourse, it hurts her. She’s not the only chick I’ve ever been with, just physically, and I mean “vaginally,” the best. I mean, I know some girls don’t retain their tight so well. My buddy calls it “snapback” and told me his girl has it, but anally. I have heard girls talk about kegel exercises and so on, but my girlfriend says she never did any. And I’m sure there are no anal-tightening exercises. So what gives? How come some girls are loose and some ain’t? Can’t be made of different materials. If we could sell a tightening cream, we’d be billionaires, because guys seem to fall in love, overnight, with girls blessed with “grabbers” or “snapbacks.” I think it has nothing to do with her skills, and maybe it’s just a “thing,” a blessing. But I am baffled as to why. — DDODD
Dear DDODD Dude: I’d like to help you. Really, I would. But you’re bound to be baffled in perpetuity since your query is very much like asking me why redheads have red hair or why tall men are tall. There are answers for these questions, I am sure, but a greater macro answer is that some animals are cats and some are not. However, if it’s any consolation, I’ve thought more about your partner’s vagina than I did yesterday or will tomorrow, and that’s got to be worth something!
EUGENE, SIR: My fiancé is a 25-year-old male with clinical depression. We have sex occasionally, but not very often. That’s because, after he orgasms, he feels very depressed and dysphoric. I was wondering if you’ve seen this before, and if there is a way I can try to help him overcome this. — Concerned About the Future
Dear Black to the Future: Depression is a killer. Antidepressants sometime retard the orgasmic response, but him having a delayed orgasm is not the problem. Him being torn up afterward is, and the reality of it is, as someone who has dealt with someones who are clinically depressed, thinking you’re going to be able to help is like thinking you can help heal his broken leg just by thinking good thoughts. So while you being there might lessen the depression, if you’re hoping that by sacrificing your sex life in some Florence Nightingale act of self-sacrifice you’ll eventually conquer this thing together, you might be wrong. In fact, if depression is a constant companion, regardless of whether you’re there or not, with minor variations of intensity, why be there? And I ask this as a past depressive. So run wild and free. You’re unlikely to mourn the absence of infrequent sex followed by sorrow in the years to come. Very possibly harsh, but very possibly necessary to say.