Why you should care
Because talk’s been going around.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
Through a Glass Roughly
EUGENE, SIR: Our sex life started out completely normal. For 28-year-olds, I guess. At some point, my then-girlfriend (now wife) started leaving her laptop, which she keeps in the bedroom, open when she was doing something else somewhere else in the house. More than a few times I found it open to rough-sex sites. She then told me that what she really wanted was to cry during sex. I asked if she, you know, meant from passion or whatever. She just shrugged. OK, so I get it. I’m not writing to ask you about that. I’m writing to say I don’t know if I can handle it. I’m 38, and while I’m as adventurous as the next guy, I have not done this stuff because I haven’t wanted to. But what do I do with a wife who wants to? And do you think this is a phase? — Al
Dear Alfred E. Neuman: You know, many may be thinking that, yes, YOU are the phase. You probably want to avoid being the phase, so listen very carefully to what I’m about to tell you. Sex is a weird thing. It’s about things we don’t admit to others and sometimes about things we don’t admit even to ourselves. But being in a place and a space where we’re not sanctioned for admitting these things? Well, when they said an unexamined life was not worth living, this is the kind of thing they meant. As your wife’s life partner, you’re either along for the ride or you’re probably violating the spirit of your covenant, which, if you’re like most married people, says something very clearly about being along for that ride no matter where it goes.
Which takes us to my next point: Unless she’s asking you to kill someone or rob a bank, patently illegal activities, what’s she suggesting should be considered things you get to do, not things you have to do. Now, it may be that what she might be suggesting — you know her, I don’t — makes you uncomfortable. Pushing past that discomfort, though — something I’m quite sure you’ve asked her to do in various other settings — might uncover coolness. That is, total sex coolness, equal parts nasty, naughty, icky, disturbing and all in all OK.
OR it might not. In which case, you have a harder decision to make: Move out of the way so she can indulge herself on a field of play that doesn’t involve you, or move out of the way so she can indulge herself while you get married to someone more suited to the quieter climes you seem to prefer. You know you, I don’t. Choose wisely.
Old Dog, Old Tricks
EUGENE, SIR: I find myself with a complicated problem and I hope you can help a sister out. I’m a 45-year-old woman who grew up in a very conservative religious family. I married young (at 18) and got divorced in my mid-20s after my then-husband moved us to a large city on the West Coast and I realized I didn’t have to live under anyone’s thumb anymore.
Over the past 20 years I’ve had a lot of short-term relationships, and that has been fine by me. I like creative, wonderful sex; I like being independent; and I like being desirable. One of the benefits of being a woman with decent genetics and who works out quite a bit is that I haven’t had a problem getting laid whenever I want to.
A year and a half ago, I met a really great guy who seemed to have his act together and was open-minded about my need to remain independent. A big part of my independence is being able to have sex with whomever I want, no approval necessary. This applied to him as well. In the beginning, we frequently attended swinger parties, BDSM functions, etc. We met through these groups, so it seemed natural and easy for us.
Over the past couple of months, things have changed. He’s mentioning marriage and children. I’m not opposed to marriage necessarily, but I’m not having children, especially now. He’s also become resistant to sex outside of our relationship. He says he’s still open to it, but then he sabotages events we plan to go to where I might have sex with others. The times he does go, he’s clearly not interested, which dulls my fun.
I love this man, but there are enough red flags that I can’t ignore them. Are we doomed? We’ve talked about it and just end up with hurt feelings. What should I do? — Ginger
Dear G-Unit: Short answer since not much more is needed here: YOU keep being YOU … fuck his noise. Or like my porn star friend Mr. Marcus once said to me about a performer who discovered porn wasn’t much more glamorous than the stained couch in his studio: “She knew what the job was when she took it.” But I think you knew this already.
Dance de Seduction
EUGENE, SIR: How can I seduce a girl? — Keshav
Dear Special K: You start with charm. Then realize that if you’re charming a “girl” and not a woman, you need to start again and not move even an inch past GO. Hope that helps.