Why you should care
Because bad sex doesn’t just creep up on you.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: Your cultural and physiological approach to understanding erotic behavior is illuminating. So, perhaps it can explain the apparently growing popularity of anal sex. Anal sex, much like “mouth” performance by the female human being, does not seem to have a clear connection to the mutually pleasurable “wiring” sensitivities that are part of the evolutionary enhancement of reproduction that advances species against the likelihood of extinction. Most animals get revved up for fertility and, for sure, genital pleasures keep the human species multiplying, too. In contrast, other than some kind of male need for inflicting discomfort or pain (compared to the pleasures female genitalia are “designed” to provide) or, perhaps, the fact that some males for whatever reason can orgasm more quickly from the greater friction and perhaps can’t from lubricated genitalia, what might explain the switch to the coincidence and convenience of a nearby orifice that serves and was designed (wired) for a totally different evolutionary purpose? — Dennis Kent Renner
Dear “Jeremy”: In Spartacus, Stanley Kubrick’s great take on swords, sandals and ancient Roman dining, Sir Laurence Olivier as Crassus asks his bathing boy, played by Tony Curtis if he considered ”the eating of oysters to be moral and the eating of snails to be immoral?” He then goes in for the bisexual bomb of genius, ”taste is not the same as appetite, and therefore not a question of morals.” BOOM. Which is to say: people are going to like what they’re going to like. With great disregard for political issues of the day, peer pressure or the prevalence of online porn being able to lay some claim for influencing behaviors.
How do I know? Because like hypnotists say, you can’t really hypnotize someone into doing something they fundamentally don’t want to do. Or put another way, no one is consenting to having a penis placed in their rectum if it doesn’t accord with what feels good to them in general. It may not directly advance any sort of reproductive, evolutionary enhancement of the species but neither do incense, wine and candles (apologies to Rick James), and these are routinely used in “breeding scenarios”.
And you know I’m no evolutionary biologist so I have no idea what was created for what and like most of us, I imagine even less so when in the presence of incense, wine, candles and nudity. So my macro answer remains the same, “it feels good.” And I’m completely OK with the micro answers you hint at even if in the end I feel no tremendous need to wonder why one person might like snails and another oysters. If you know what I mean.
Heads or Tails
EUGENE, SIR: Whose onus is it to catalyze intimacy? The man or the woman? I thought confusion about this was peculiar to African spouses but I now know that this is a global issue where sustained intimacy is required. If there’s deep love and attachment beyond an interest in babymaking either party could initiate the libido game. Fantastic intimacy is naturally possible if both are desirous and willing to play. The secret also has to do with the guy realizing that all days or nights aren’t equal. Again this game also requires good physical and psychological energies on both sides. So is the regular intimacy issue a big western problem? — Gbemi Tijani
Dear Mr. T: Intimacy is not a problem. It’s an opportunity. And couples can either take the opportunity or use it for something they find more entertaining. Like, perhaps, video games, or chocolate cake. The reality of it is, if you have to sell someone on sex with you, you might want to reexamine the quality of said sex and what exactly you’re offering. Because as a woman friend of mine once said, “it’s hard to get dressed up for a party if you know you’re not going anywhere.” And “anywhere” here speaks specifically to Orgasm. Or to put it as starkly as possible, men who are very good in bed hear “no” a lot less than men who are not. That being said, on a long enough timeline, sex with even the best might get boring in the face of other relationship failures but it gets harder to see these the better the sex is. So what you’re calling the problem of regular intimacy, I’m going to call a quality gap and put you all on notice: the secret has to do with being good. Or at the very least “getting better”. Now go. Do. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: Do people get better in bed? What I mean is, is it possible for people to get better in bed? I got married at 25. I’m 30 now. The last five years have been fantastic and I’ve grown a lot. But my husband, not so much. We have no kids so this would be the time for us and I love him but he has no curiosity about sex and I think our sex life has suffered and now he keeps talking about kids, which is the last thing I want to do right now. But the same position one or two times a week is making me want to scream in a bad way. Help. — name withheld by request
Dear Scream Queen: If you’re a passenger in your car and the driver is driving badly at what point do you do something about it? Right away? Five years later? And more importantly, what do you do? Suggest that you’d both be better off if you drove? Or do you just start driving? Seems to me if you’re caring about your life and your five year investment in it, rather than torch it or hope that there’s some sort of magical and divine intervention that’s going to come along and change things, you owe it to both of you to be that magical and divine source of change. Because things are not going to get easier after kids. And like they say in this election season, it’s all about the math. He gets better sooner, you get less miserable sooner. That simple. A simple way of dealing? Start telling him about your “fantasies” or “dreams”. If he’s a quick study he’ll get it right away. If he’s not, he never will. Now let your conscience be your guide.