Why you should care
Because if things aren’t getting better in the bedroom, there’s a good chance they’re getting worse.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: I am 27 and in a healthy, good and sexually satisfying relationship with my girlfriend of more than seven years. Sex is great — we have a lot of fun and can talk about a lot of things. I sometimes like it, though, when I jerk off alone, playing with my ass and even putting a dildo in it. I think this is pretty normal and that a lot of men like it but are afraid to admit it or even try it. My girlfriend does not know that I like it like that, but sometimes she touches my ass in the shower when she jerks me off. But in the past few weeks/months, I have had the desire to get fucked by my girlfriend with a strap-on. How do I tell her? She’s not that open to anal play and I’m afraid that after I tell her, she might think less of me as a man. And what if she refuses to fuck my ass and thinks I’m gay? I hope you understand my question and my problem. — John
Dear John Jeudi: You know what makes you gay? Wanting to have another man in your butt? Very definitely a clear and present sign. Though there are treasure troves of repressed men “experimenting” with what you’re suggesting with other men, you should rest assured that it’s only an experiment the first 10 times or so. After that? We’re looking at a lifestyle. In your case it seems you desire the sensation, but you desire a woman to administer it. A sensation that, yes, you’re right, men who are not functionally gay but like anal play find themselves in.
On the business side of this sex column, I’ve had no fewer than half a dozen female partners of men who like anal play write complaining. Very often in terms you’re describing: “I don’t want to be the man!” Something about the upending of the traditional roles and, yes, the possibility that they might be with a gay man skeezes them out. To which I’d say, there are better ways for playing out your gayness if you want anal play than to try to fast-talk your highly dubious girlfriend into screwing you with a strap-on.
Which is what you should say if she complains after you bring it up, which you should. Simply because there are some women who are OK with it. Maybe not totally OK, but, you know, sort of OK. But how to bring it up? To quote Slick Rick, “Ain’t no way to put it subtle.” You’ll have to do what women always do to men when they want something nonstandard and they think the men might object: “You know what I think would be hot?” And then you answer with what it is you want. She may laugh, she may say no, but unspoken desire is a curse and you’re too healthy to want to be such like cursed. Besides which, Grace Jones says every man should go through this at least once. Now get to it.
Sex + the Aging Woman
EUGENE, SIR: You recently had a column with the catchy headline of “Sex With the Aging Man.” Now I’m wondering when we’ll see the column titled “Sex With the Aging Woman.” Just seeing that in print, and imagining a lot of the reaction you’d get, so underscores the double standard with which we live! — Elinor Mattern
Dear Auntie EM: When? Now, I guess. I mean, I can see where you’re going with this, but you do realize there are entire product and production cycles geared toward creating pornography specifically for those interested in sex with aging women. Whether it’s MILF-related (Moms I’d Like to Fornicate … or some other F-word) or GILF-centered (Grandmas I’d Like to Fornicate) pornography, insofar as porn is a true indicator of much of anything, there is no parallel male product along those lines. No Dads I’d Like to Fornicate, unless it’s man-on-man porn. And very definitely not much of a market for Granddads I’d Like to Fornicate. I can see you now, saying that this doesn’t translate to real-world action, to which I’d say, like hell it doesn’t. You’re just hanging out in the wrong places. The right places? Well, some things are Tells and some things are Shows. This is the latter. But, in general, it’s not as much of a scandal as you might be thinking.
The Asian Thing
EUGENE, SIR: I’m 25 and like Asian women. Every time I have said that I like Asian women, people roll their eyes and give me a hard time. As though the only reason I like them is because they’re submissive or I have a small penis. Seems weird to get beaten up so badly for expressing a preference. — Clint
Dear In Like Clint: You say “people”? Asian people might have the right to get a little chippy about this, but why anyone else would care I find suspect and has more to do with competitive pressures than anything else. That’s on the pro-Clint side. On the anti-Clint side, a preference is one thing; an obsessive, race-focused fan club is something else. I mean, no one wants to feel fungible. To look down at your dance card and see that your partner’s only requirement for you is a geographical accident of birth feels terribly reductive, I am sure. Morrissey describes himself as a “humasexual.” He probably has a preference, but he likes the idea of returning it to the individuals in question. Which is not a bad way to think about things in total.