Why you should care
Because if sex were easy, everyone would be doing it … well.
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Trying Bi: No Lie?
EUGENE, SIR: My guy and I just got invited to a “clothing optional” party by some friends of ours who are totally cool, normal people. We’re talking about how we’re going to swing; so far, we’ve gotten to watching. He’s OK if I hook up with other women, and I’m OK if he’s with other women, but he says he doesn’t want to do that. I think that’s because he thinks I will bring up other men. Anyway, at least we’re talking about it before we go.
The real issue, though, seems to be that he’s afraid other men will try to have sex with him. I told him he didn’t need to worry about that since no one was going to rape him. He laughed. But then I started picking up on something else: I think he’s bi-curious. I had a bad threesome experience with an ex-boyfriend and another bi-curious man. Bad in that it ended up with me just watching two men having sex. Now I don’t want to go to the party, but I can’t think of anything else. Is there a clever way to bring this up so he and I could talk about it? — Bi-Incurious
Dear Bi Bye: That’s not really what you want, I don’t think. What I mean is, there’s a difference between chatting about your eventual appearance at a group-sex venue and your wanting to create an opening where you can tell him what you just told me, which, in essence, is you don’t at any point want to see your man with a penis that’s not his in his mouth (don’t think about that yoga-fueled scenario too much). You already know that what you strongly suspect interests him, is what you find least interesting. Going public with this might have the undesired effect of driving his interest underground, where it’ll be harder to monitor, and that’s if you want to spend the relationship monitoring your man’s interest in other men.
Which might be fun for some but sounds like a drag to me. Why spend the rest of your life going cop on your lover? Not the way one should spend their days. So how to bring this up? First, get yourself to a place where you can articulate what you don’t like about it without condemnation. Second, if the group-sex event is soon? Maybe hold off on it, until you’re both clear that attending involves an understanding that those in attendance are your sex toys and there for your pleasure. If you don’t use them at home? Don’t use them on a leather-sheet-covered bed in an orgy room. Simple.
And maybe, eventually, you’ll go his way on this or he’ll come your way, but I suspect you’ll have to come to his, since repression is a terrible thing to behold.
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve been masturbating from an early age and now usually do it twice a day. Last time, though, I went on a date with a girl and afterward we went to her house to have sex. I reached orgasm too early even though I was wearing a condom. I feel I’ve lost my stamina in bed. I hope you will help me by sharing ways to increase it. — Nik
Dear Nik at Night: It may be too early to worry. But as an ace of anxiety, I can tell you that it’s also probably never too early to worry. Stamina? Experts who are not me seem to agree with the connection you’ve made between masturbation and stamina. Specifically, a stylistic connection. The boilerplate advice is to masturbate the way you want to have sex. So, if you want to have sex in short bursts? Masturbate that way. If you want to have looong, luxurious sex? Get out the candles, the incense, the wine and soft music and get ready for a masturbate-a-thon to end all masturbate-a-thons.
It’s conditioning, partly, and if your body isn’t used to freeing itself from its load until after 60 minutes of loving attention, it might get used to this. There are also chemical and surgical methods. Sometimes exercise, sometimes medication, but those seem overly aggressive from where I sit. Try changing your masturbation patterns first, and let me know how things come out.
See what I did there? Cue laughter.
SOS: Sick of Sex
EUGENE, SIR: I think I’m done having sex with my husband. Our daughter is 4 years old and we’re only in our 40s, but I’m done. Men, their obsession with “tits” and women’s bodies in general and despite their wanting sex so badly, them doing it badly. I’d rather read a book. Am I alone here? — Mari
Dear Quite Contrary: You may find out just how alone you are here very soon. Because no matter how bad in bed your husband is, there may be someone out there who wants him. But that’s not really the point. The point is: You don’t want him, no matter how good in bed he gets. This could be what people call “the end of the road,” so while you might respect his skills as a father, you need to let him know he’s free to find some respect for the sex part outside the confines of whatever you all are living in. Sad but true. You may no longer want him, but to deny him is unkind.