Why you should care
Because someone much more attractive than you might.
EUGENE, SIR: I read your column about “Bloody Love.” Well, my husband and I got into some stuff that scares us a bit. I started harming myself and we still had sex. It was damn lusty and nasty in some kind of way, but we feel like we can’t repeat it. It was hot while we were doing it, but the morning after, when I looked at the wounds, it felt like a hangover. What can we do about it? It was some kind of kick, but we’re terrified that we might need more and more. Should we stop and be satisfied by this one impression, or should we take the risk and continue? — Gassen
Dear Gaslight: Anton LaVey, founder of the Church of Satan, once told me “the best thing about having control … is losing it.” He was speaking specifically about the transgressive joy people seemed to derive from trampling taboos and hollering “HAIL SATAN!” at the top of their lungs in public. Based on what authorities who study these types of things say, self-harm causes your body to release endorphins that in their mimicking of morphine to mask pain fundamentally make you high at the time of injury. Not the next day or the day after that, while you heal. So there’s probably a limited return on how good this will make you feel, making it better suited as an occasional thing and not so much an everyday thing. But your concern is not in how often you can do this, but whether you should be doing it at all.
I don’t think I can answer that for you. Your concern seems to circle around control and your potential loss of it. Is it addictive? Only insofar as endorphins are things we like, and we like to do things we like — sometimes having to do more of them once the body acclimates. Is it dangerous? Sure. Any time you’re cutting yourself it’s dangerous. Should you stop? Stopping will take control, so it’s probably better to practice exerting control now. But these are questions you’re both going to have to ask yourselves.
He Wants Some Threesome
EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend finally persuaded me to have a threesome. Only it turns out he wants one with another woman, while I thought I was agreeing to one with another man. When he told me what he meant, he said it so angrily that I started wondering what was wrong with us and another man. So I asked him, and now that’s what we’re arguing about. I’m saying there’s no difference and we could do both. He says since I also like women I should be fine with it, and he is not bisexual. I said he didn’t have to be bisexual to have sex with me and another man. Back and forth, back and forth. Can you help here? — Name withheld by request
Dear Good Point: There’s no other way to put this: The third person is a sex toy and not so dissimilar to a dildo or a pocket pussy — a way for the primary couple to enjoy themselves with a proxy. Except in this instance, the proxy is a person. In your case, either with a penis or without. But before I say anything else, let me say that I’m seeing you calling checkmate right about now. While your boyfriend is interested in seeing you with another woman, he’s also very possibly interested in seeing himself with this other woman as well. That’s fine and might be something you do for him. But is there a reason he doesn’t want to understand that if he is OK with this, then he should be OK with seeing you with another man — even if he is not interested in seeing himself with this other man? Sure, there’s a reason. There are possibly lots of reasons. All of them partially penis-based, even if he’ll never admit this.
Comparing penis size in high school locker rooms is very different from using you as a measuring device, and if by some chance the nature, shape and curve of the other man’s penis is just different enough to be, even for a moment, better? My man is in a Complex Land from which he may never return. He will never say this. And while he thinks he can assuage your concerns about the other woman being cuter, thinner, sexier than you, he will never be convinced if he comes to the conclusion that his penis is lacking.
But it’s a good bargain you’re driving, and I’d stick to it if I were you. Sometimes people feel a little discomfort before they grow.
EUGENE, SIR: My husband of 15 years has gotten fat. I love him, but have never found fat sexy. So I have less sex with him. How can I get him to lose weight without hurting his feelings? — Valerie
Dear V-Babe: You don’t think having less sex with him is hurting his feelings? Look, if you can’t tell him this, no one can. Start running and drag him with you, but start slow, don’t make it a competition. And start eating cleaner. I mean, he’s not going to be eating cakes, candy and muffins if you’re eating carrots and greens. I have no idea how old he is, but it’s never too late to trend away from overweight.