Why you should care
Because no one wins awards for BAD sex.
EUGENE, SIR: I liked that last question you ran about the guy in the armed threesome, and while I am too smart to be naked in a room and not be the one holding the gun, I have a threesome problem. This couple swings. They invited me up one night and it was great. That’s not the problem. The husband likes to watch when me and his wife are going at it. That’s not a problem either. He’s started to jerk off when we’re playing. Which is also not a problem. But I’m noticing that he’s jerking off more and more. I don’t say that he’s getting closer, I just say he’s moving around to get more in my line of sight. Is this just me being paranoid, and how do I fix it without being an asshole? — Jeff
Dear Gee-Off:You are noticing that he is jerking off more, eh? You mean while you’re having sex with his wife, the woman you’re having sex with, you’re noticing him gently caressing his penis while watching the “two” of you? OK, look, like Linton Kwesi Johnson says, I’m a merciless realist and if I’m knuckle-deep in a threesome, unless there is some jealousy-infused increase to the in-room threat level, it seems the business at hand is what’s in mind.
Presuming for a second that this is not about me helping you see that it was the penis you wanted all along — which is not a bad thing if that’s what you want — but about what you say it is, well, that means entertaining the possibility that it’s not you but him. In which case, he’s maneuvering himself into your sight line by way of asking a question he would like an answer to. And you don’t need an expert sex columnist to tell you that when a man is looking at you while masturbating, the parameters of the question he’s asking are pretty narrow.
So what you could be asking is: How do I respond without being hurtful? To which I say, if I am serving you escargot and you do not like escargot, how do you decline my offer of escargot?
Repeat after me: “No, thank you.” Now, whether or not you actually say this, or you close your eyes, or maneuver her or yourself in a way that you and he are not locking eyes every freaking stroke, it will send the same message to someone who is not a hammerhead. If he does not get either your plan A or your plan B here? Well, it could be time to clear the playing field so that they can get another player on deck.
And, yes, itisbaseball season again. Good luck.
EUGENE, SIR: I have a very hard time reaching orgasm — I guess I’m slow? I’m 23, and after ending a three-year relationship, which was only my second full sexual relationship, I have a question: Am I better off finding a man with a thick penis or one with a long penis? — EW
Dear Emma Watson: You are significantly better off finding a man who knows how to use the penis he has. And how to use it well, exceedingly well. Not just his penis, though, but also his lips, tongue, mouth and fingers, at the right time and in the right measure. My point being, before you start re-pouring the foundation, make sure everything else about the house is OK. Once you’ve done that? You probably want to take six of one and a half-dozen of the other: While long and thin comes with all of the cervical discomfort and none of the frictional pleasure, short and thick, while high on the mfrictional pleasure scale, is not long enough to make that a sustained sensation.
As luck has it, though, most dating websites do not have drop-down menus for “Long + Thin” or “Short + Thick,” so you’ll probably end up doing thing the old-fashioned way: listening to his happy/hapless line of patter and hoping for the best.
EUGENE, SIR: In a moment of weakness and drunkenness, I sent a female friend of my girlfriend a pic of my penis. She was a little angry, but didn’t out me to my girlfriend. Instead she is asking me for favors with the unspoken understanding that if I don’t help her out, she’ll out me. Basically she is blackmailing me. Isn’t that like revenge porn? I mean, if she shows my girlfriend the picture, my relationship is over for sure, but then couldn’t I have my revenge by suing her? — Name withheld by request
Dear Big Dummy: Revenge porn, as far as I know, covers the dissemination of personal photos or images that include nudity and sexual situations with the express purpose of embarrassing the photographed subject. What this means in very real practical terms is that she could just tell your girlfriend what you’ve done and if your girlfriend then demanded proof, her friend could show her the cellphone that now holds the photo you sent her. Result: Your girlfriend dumps you.
Of course, like President Reagan once said, you can’t negotiate with terrorists. Unlike what President Trump said, in this instance you can’t kill them either. While I’d be hard-pressed to tell you to smash her cellphone into a million pieces before hurling it off a bridge — that’s surely not legal— I think your best bet is to do absolutely nothing.
Which is the functional equivalent of throwing yourself on the mercy of the court. If she outs you? She outs you. If she doesn’t? She doesn’t. If she does, you have reasons/excuses, and, in the end, you never had sex with her. If she doesn’t out you, you’re at least free from indentured servitude and she’ll move on to some other sucker more interesting than you.
In any case, there’s a lesson to be learned here and it’s a good one: Don’t send stuff (virtually) to strangers that you wouldn’t send to your mother.
And if you’re sending that kind of stuff to your mother? Then we have to have another talk.