If You Were an Orgasm Expert, You'd Already Know This

If You Were an Orgasm Expert, You'd Already Know This

Why you should care

Because bad sex won’t get better with just more bad sex.

Orgasm Action!

EUGENE, SIR: I was reading another sex column (sorry), and in it a couple had sex, the guy goes to take a shower afterward and when he comes back to the bedroom, he finds his woman masturbating. He wanted to know if this was “normal.” The person answering the column rattled on about different sex drives and maybe even mentioned the word “nymphomaniac,” and I am so angry I can’t think straight. Does it never dawn on men that their women are typically not masturbating right after they have an orgasm, so the fact that she was masturbating means she did not have an orgasm, and he was fucking derelict in his duties? Does no man get this? —Kathryn

Dear Ms. Hepburn: First off: Does no one get that reading OTHER sex columns is a pointless waste of time? Occasionally some of you have wondered after my qualifications and I’ll respond now as I have responded then, and to borrow a quote from Cabaret Voltaire, who stole it from Dr. Gene Scott, I’m the last truly FREE voice in America! That’s my qualification and should be enough to scare you away from these throne pretenders/jumpers who would have you believe that the sex ends with the shower.

Which reminds me of a query I once got from a man who was complaining about the size of a woman’s vagina, dismissing it with the words “It was too large.” Never even once considering that it was not that HER vagina was large but more that HIS penis was small. So it is with “When is sex over?” Short answer: When your partner is passed out and trembling from the orgasm that she just had.

A breakdown on how this works works thusly: If you’re unsure if the non-penis-having partner has had an orgasm, while you can always just ask — which ranges from unsexy to possibly just well-intentioned but boneheaded — you can also just GET BACK IN THERE. Like a wink is as good as a nod, a tongue is often as good as a penis and if stats are to be believed? Sometimes better.

Post–passed out and trembling? Yes, a shower might be in order. And now cut and paste this in the comments section of that other column, telling them that Eugene told you so. Cheers!

Oh, and here’s an extra points query: How long do you think male partners would put up with orgasm-less sex?

Peeping John

EUGENE, SIR: I needed to look up something on my boyfriend’s computer and accidentally clicked on a tab of some clips of him having sex. We’re open about our pasts, so this is not the problem. But I could tell from the clip that the phone he used to record it was concealed. Secondly, he seemed much more into it than when we do it. So I asked him about it, and he said the woman in the clip was an escort, so he was entitled to film them. He had no answer for why he seemed more into it than with me, except to shrug his shoulders and say, “Well, she was an escort.” WTF? Am I crazy to feel bad about any of this? —Pissed

Dear IP Freely: First off, in terms of ethics, filming without saying you’re going to film is out of bounds, and in some places, Illegal. I’m no lawyer, but it seems to me that just because you’ve retained the services of a service provider doesn’t mean you’re entitled to enjoy those services for free forever. We go to the movies. But if we go to the movies and try to film the movies we’re going to? We’ll be stopped. Likewise, if she had seen the camera, she may have asked him to stop. But we’ll never know because he didn’t get her consent to film her consenting to sexual activity with him in exchange for cash.

So, escorts have rights too. Seems to me he abridged those.

In regards to the apparent and increased brio with which he addressed sex with the service provider, well, it seems, the answer is ensconced in the question. Since the better part of sex is sometimes transgression — clearly part of his kink — he’s bifurcated along the virgin-whore axis, and I think you know who the whore is, and that’s not you.

But crazy to feel bad? No. Fully within your rights. But here’s a better question: Do you stay or do you go? You haven’t asked my advice on place and placement, but I’ll give it anyway: Get going. You’re not dealing with a co-equal partner here. You’re dealing with remedial sexuality. There’s got to be better deals in town.

Senior Discounts

EUGENE, SIR: I like older men, but I don’t like that older men are so creepy about younger people. Across-the-board thing or I’m just unlucky? —Name withheld by request

Dear Secret Squirrel: Our value to each other a lot of the time is representational. That is, you might value me because I represent certain things that strike you in a certain way. Very similar to how, under normal circumstances, you’d not even think to eat caviar, but with the history of caviar preceding it, well, that makes all the difference in the world. In regards to older men, men who live in the middle and the midst of a society that places a premium on youth, it’s easy to see how they’ve managed to fetishize this out of comfortable control. But they’re not the only ones. If your kink is for the older man, I’d be hard-pressed to not believe that you’re driven by your own representational issues. Like: That they might be, along with older, also wiser.

And the wisdom you are now in possession of: Older men are sometimes just older. And during the course of a relationship, everything equalizes to a place of parity. Mostly. So go for personality and maybe not just age, and at least you’ll be entertained.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.