How Your Butt Is Touched vs. Who Touches It: Discuss

How Your Butt Is Touched vs. Who Touches It: Discuss
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Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Speaking of ”Better” Vaginas

EUGENE, SIR: I asked Joe Rogan the following question on his forum back when he had one, but he never answered, so I’ll ask you since you seem like a smart guy. I bought my husband a Fleshlight for times when we couldn’t be together and he needed to get off. Then we discovered other uses for it. At first, I put it in me and he used it while it was inside me. I got too wet for it to stay in, so we kept the case on and added wired coils, which keep it in place and give me much needed friction. It’s a great addition to our menu of fun, but I want to know whether I’m risking any permanent damage using it like this. I have pictures if you can’t visualize what I mean. — Sheila

Dear Oh, Sheila: Um, I actually can visualize it. Quite clearly, and without the assistance of any visual aids. After doing this job as long as I have, I’ve become like Columbo, the one-eyed TV detective played most effectively by one-eyed actor Peter Falk. Specifically in ferreting out motivations and the whys and wherefores of the questions people ask.

But first a humble proviso: I could be wrong. Since, however, I have never, ever, ever been wrong before, I’m going to guess, based on when Rogan folded his forum, that you’ve been up to Fleshlight fun for a while. (For the uninitiated, the Fleshlight is a flashlight-size masturbation aid into which a man places his penis to achieve sexual release.) And canary-in-a-coal-mine-style, I would guess if there was going to be a problem it would have happened by now.

Emergency rooms across the globe are full of people who have been shocked to discover that sticking stuff inside them is not always a good idea. Lessons that presumably would have been learned after the surge in sex toy injuries post–Fifty Shades of Grey and tracked by the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of ER visits, a horror show if there ever was one.

However, if you’ve experienced no problems so far, who is the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission to tell you what you can stick where? Knock yourselves out. Or rather: As you were.

Human Papillomavirus R Us

EUGENE, SIR: I found out my girlfriend of three years was having sex with someone else. But now she says she has HPV like it’s my fault. Is it more likely she got HPV from the guy she was cheating with? I don’t cheat, but I did have a lot of sex before her, so maybe it’s from me? — Chuck E.

Dear Mr. Cheese: The human papillomavirus, or HPV, is the most commonly transmitted sexual infection. Our medical adviser, Dr. B, says that the only populations where it’s been routinely absent have been people who have never had sex and nuns.

However, “with nuns becoming nuns later in life, this is not so much true anymore,” Dr. B adds. While most people are asymptomatic and the general consensus is that HPV is harmless and will go away by itself, it can lead, like every sexual disease, to cul-de-sacs sad and sadder (e.g., genital warts, sterility, cancer). To be on the safe side always consult a medical professional and not just me.

Now, with regard to your specific Where’s Waldo and Who’s He Been With? dilemma: I don’t think there’s any way to figure out who got what from whom. So decide if you want to ignore the cheating or not and, well … onward!

Oh, Butt Really

EUGENE, SIR: A couple I know invited me and another guy, whom I don’t know, for a little extra fun after a party. While I was having sex with the woman — her boyfriend was watching — she started asking me to go faster and before I knew it the guy whom I don’t know was “helping” me by pushing on my backside. I told him to stop — OK, maybe a little more harshly than that — and everyone started screaming at me about homophobia and I started screaming back. It ended badly, but the couple and I are still friends, and I want this put to bed. Was I within my rights here? — Name withheld by request

Dear Backasswards: I believe you were. Even at a sex party, unless you requested that your buttocks be given a power boost by a dude you didn’t know, it’s safe to assume that you could have handled the woman’s request quite well all on your own. Now, I don’t know exactly what you said and it may have been that your response was disproportionate to the event and it may be that it was mired in “homosexual panic.”

I suspect, though, you’re not telling me that you called the guy a name that upset all participants enough that the party was over. That’s the risk he took, even if he assumed you’d be comfortable with his touching you. Gay or bisexual men also might not be so into having their asses touched by strangers whose very touch seems to indicate that, in response to a request to go “faster,” they couldn’t handle said request. So, yeah, harm and foul and a bad time was had by all. Sorry, and better luck next time.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.