Why you should care
Because while sex is a dish best served with sauce, no need for that sauce to be secret.
EUGENE, SIR: I read you but I didn’t need to read you to know that I need to tell potential partners about my kink before inviting them in. I enjoy rough sex, and I go through what this might mean. Not on a first date, but email has made it possible to do this and give her time to back out. Recently though, after a few weeks of warning, I had a sex thing go bad, and now she’s threatening to have her football-player friends beat me up. Fuck is this? — Clint
Dear In Like: A guy standing on the sidewalk in front of some saucy joint on 42nd Street (in the old Taxi Driver days) whispers, “Hey, buddy. You want in on some live nude wrestling?” And because you’re totally into live nude wrestling, you step in and don’t even think it strange when a voice tells you to disrobe and then asks you if you’re ready. But imagine your surprise when you jump through a curtain and on the stage opposite you? Another nude guy.
The point being? There’s always going to be a little daylight between what you’ve been promised and how you feel about what you get afterward. Telling the “average” person that it’s going to be “rough” probably strongly correlates to whatever the hell that whole Fifty Shades of Grey crap was about. So unless you have a luxury apartment, private jets and are fond of both sit-ups and lightly strapping your naughty girlfriend — who, despite yourself, you’re falling in love with — across the ass with a riding crop, there’s going to be a little daylight between expectation and reality. Also known as the place where football players kick your head in.
So I’m going to guess that you were not nearly as explicit as you thought you were, if it ended up like you say it did. Remember a past session and spell it out. In painstaking living color. Via email or whatever your preferred method of communication is. And then follow each notation with a suffix that says, “and I’m not kidding. Not at all.” Between this and a good and functioning safe word that can be used to call an end to the activity if the water gets too deep? You should be fine.
IF you manage to steer clear of angry football players.
Bigger Than a Bread Box?
EUGENE, SIR: If you lose something up your rectum, can’t you just eat a bunch and the food will force it out? — DD
Dear Dungeons + Dragons: You know what? Leave the jokes to me, how ’bout? Though stuff up the butt is no laughing matter, I figure your asking is a laughing matter, since if you HAD stuff up your butt, you’d be eating bread and putting theory into action. And if you didn’t have stuff up your butt but were planning to have stuff up your butt, I would guess that you’d have done the research yourself.
BUT on the outside chance that this is serious and not just a troll-y way to make me call proctologists in order to have your question answered by an expert, I will answer with all the gravitas required for guys who answer questions about toys trapped up the tush for a living.
OK, ready? Don’t stick stuff up your butt that doesn’t come with a handle that allows you to remove aforementioned stuff from up your butt.
The interwebs is full of X-ray shots of a wide variety of mistakes and for no reason. According to a proctologist known to me only as “Dr. John,” there’s something made and sold called an “anal slip-n-slide.” Long handle. Knobbed end. Designed to keep you from having uncomfortable emergency room conversations.
However, that’s not what you asked, so to answer what you asked: According to Dr. John, “eating ‘a bunch’ is no reliable way to remove foreign bodies from your rectum. It could work or could compound the blockage, leading to something else that’s no fun: a perforation. Or peritonitis caused by a punctured intestine. You do know I get paid a lot more than you to answer these same questions, right?”
Dr. John. What. A. Card. But there you have it: Be careful with your butt!
EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I actually went to a sex club like you recommend. Not blaming this on you and we had plans to go before anyway, but it was not what I expected at all. I just wanted the people to be smarter and maybe just a little bit sexier. We belong to a tennis club too, and in the end, we have more fun there. So maybe ease up on suggesting that as a solution? — Name withheld by request
Dear Not My Fault: In an ideal circumstance, a club full of sexy, smart and willing participants is what you’d get. In reality, it’s hard to find all three of those qualities in collusion/profusion. So what do you do if you want to do a sex club? Realize it’s less about the club and much more about the people in the club, and if that’s the case, throw your own damned party.
Sex clubs are attractive to some because of the anonymity they offer. With that anonymity comes, on occasion, not-sexy, not-smart and willing. But so what? If you have the room and your kids are off staying with the grandparents, introduce yourself to swingers groups where you can tailor-make what you want tailor-made. You can specify, select and leave very little to surprise. Nothing wrong with this at all since the reality is, life is too short to spend it having shitty sex at shitty sex parties.
However, a proviso: Throwing a sex party is hard work and someday we’ll do a whole column on it — but suffice it to say, you’re going to need a drink, or several, after organizing something so supposedly freewheeling. The upside? You can trick someone else into throwing one where you show up and just cut loose and relax. Until then? You can plan and dream.