How to Handle the Appearance of a Mystery Marital Aid

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

When the Owner of the Condom Is Not You

EUGENE, SIR: I found a used condom in my garage and asked my wife about it, and she naturally denied knowing how it got there and we got into a big fight. It’s crazy, I know, but I still saved the condom and I want to know, can I get it tested for DNA or something? I don’t know if I really expect you to have an answer, but I gotta do something to give me time to think. So, advice if you can, please. —Name withheld by request

Dear Oh, Man: So you are now in possession of a condom you describe as used, which, in my mind, means it is to some degree full of biomass, in this instance semen. Which suggests whoever used it was in your garage for at least a minute. Now you don’t say whether or not you have teenagers in the house (not as alarming on the fidelity front), workmen in the house (much more alarming on the fidelity front) or whether there’s any kind of open access to your garage, but let’s go all TV detective on this and assume it is as you assume. 

Now, testing the semen would let you do a DNA test. But to what end if you have no idea who the man is, which is what I suspect you’re really after here? If your wife subsequently gets pregnant, this might let you figure out if the child is yours, but if she actually had a kid, you could just test the kid to see if it was yours. The more complicated issue, which it seems to me you’re driving at, is whether or not you could test all of the fluids on the condom to see if any belong to your wife.

This is not a bad idea, but I venture a guess that if you’ve lived in the house for any significant period of time that both of your DNA is all over the place. So while you’d find all of the unknown condom owner’s DNA inside the condom, the DNA on the outside of the condom could have come from your wife’s vagina. It could have also come from the sweat she shook off after a run. Or after she brushed her hair in the garage. If you had immediately gotten this condom to some kind of police lab, still damp, they might have been able to tell you something conclusive, my cop friends say. “Ask him if he realizes we actually have real crime to deal with down here,” is also what they said, but snark is not going to help you.

And really, neither can I. If it’s any consolation at all, if he’s that sloppy he’s likely to make more mistakes. So is your wife. If you really care? Stay vigilant. If you don’t? Consider it a get-out-of-jail-free card.

 

Letting Your Fingers Do the Walking

EUGENE, SIR: In the middle of perfectly good sex, the young sir I was having sex with decided in addition to putting his penis inside of me that he would add his finger as well. I seriously don’t know if he thought this would make me think his penis was larger, but it made me start to think that he thought his penis wasn’t large enough. Which made me think his penis wasn’t large enough. And that was that. He’s been texting me wanting to know why I’ve gone ghost. Even if I don’t want to see him again, I think I could help him by letting him know to never do that again. He seems like a nice guy and I want to help, but would he think so? And does that ever work? I’m a woman, if that makes a difference. —SB

Dear Sally Bowles: You seem like a nice gal and I want to help, so I’ll ask you to consider this possibility: Maybe he wasn’t trying to make you think his penis was larger. Perhaps he was trying to make your vagina feel tighter. I don’t know, I’m just a squirrel looking for a nut, but it seems to me that when you assume, you might indeed run the risk of making an ASS out of U and ME and without knowing why he added his finger to the mix, you can’t really help him. Or you.

In any case, the ghosting seems right on the money as you two are a literal and figurative ill fit. But good luck in finding someone who fits you.

 

How to Be Bi

EUGENE, SIR: I’m bi, but I’ve only been bi in theory since I have only had sex with men but I’ve been attracted to women. My current knows I am bi-curious and wants us to pull in a third to help me get it out of my system, but I have kind of a weird question: Is there very much of a difference between sex with men and sex with women? Seems pretty basic, but it’s not like it’s ever come up in conversation. —Just Call Me Jimmy

Dear Mr. Crack Corn: I think what you’re asking is, are there any tips and tricks that could be shared regarding sexual contact with women that won’t give you away as a man who has been having sex with men? And I’ll answer with another question: Outside of you, who cares? And I ask that since it’s clear to me that you’re not thinking clearly since if your man was cool enough to invite a woman in as a third, he probably has no intention of not participating in the evening’s activities, so it’s not like the woman won’t know that you have sex with men and you actually like having sex with men. Also, if you think you need to do something specifically different in front of the person you’ve already been having sex with, you run the distinct risk of turning sex into satire.

No. Just get down like you’ve been getting down. But with a third person there. And remember, sex is play, so go out there and have some sex play, and fer chrissakes, don’t ruin it. Let us know how it turns out!

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.