How to Fail a Threesome

How to Fail a Threesome

Why you should care

Because bad sex is the worst, isn’t it? No, seriously, we’re asking since we have no idea: We read Sex With Eugene.

Which Kind of Swinging Is the Best Kind of Swinging?

EUGENE, SIR: We’re married and have been casually swinging. Married for 12 years and swinging for the last 13 months. We’ve always had women in because my wife is into women and I’m not into men, but I started to think or feel like I was being selfish. She said she has me for all of her hetero needs, but I’m actually at the point where I’d feel better if we had another man in. But do you know many swingers where the wife has left the husband for another woman? Are there stats on this? —Over It

Dear Not Even: If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it 1,000 times, but clearly if one is not enough, then 1,000 is not too many, and insofar as nonstandard sexual arrangements go, I guess it can’t hurt to repeat myself. Threesomes, foursomes, swinging, swapping, open, partial open and poly play are really not tourist trips. By which I mean it is not without risks, the kind I suspect you’re suspecting you’re facing now. Specifically, that maybe what was once play is proving itself to be a little bit more than that.

Whether it was a look, an unfamiliar satisfaction or a too-eagerly-anticipated orgasm, you’re sensing something is amiss even if the first and most glaringly amiss thing to me is that you didn’t see this coming months ago. Any time the intimacy spell is open, breeched or broached, this is a risk that’s run. I’m not making the claim for smothering control fanaticism, but I am making the claim for an eyes-wide-open assessment, sort of along the lines of a SWOT analysis: strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. You’ve jumped straight to threats, and this means, as I said, that you’ve thought not nearly enough about this.

But forget about that. I come not to bury you, but to praise … well, wait. Praise? No. School you. Yeah, that works better. So where you are is in a place where you probably need to sit back and let fate do what it’s going to do. If she’s going to go, there’s not much you can do to stop her. Like some sage once said, “There’s no talking your way out of dumped.” Especially given the circumstance of her expressed interest in women. The only thing you can do is to screw it up by attempting to un-screw what you think you’ve screwed up, which will invariably make things worse.

Relax, do nothing hasty and maybe the shared intimacy that set off the warning bells runs its course and you’re the preferred choice again. Which is as likely as anything else. However, to answer your question: no reliable stats. Anecdotal ones aplenty, though. Suggesting, as I’ve said, that this stuff only be engaged in after much thoughtful consideration.

Am I a #MeToo Kind of Guy?

EUGENE, SIR: I read stuff on Louis C.K. and this MeToo hate on men for masturbating and I have a question that I haven’t wanted to ask out of fear. But in the Louis C.K. case, the only crime he committed was by blocking the door. If he wanted to masturbate in his hotel room when he had guests, why not? They don’t like it, they can leave, right? No harm. no foul. So what’s all the whining about? —Name withheld by request

Dear Yes, You Too: Well. I’ve not followed the fusillade of all-too-depressing commentary, but let me put it this way: I like your letter. In fact, I like it so much I think we should do an extended article on it. You write half of it and I’ll write the other half. It’ll be great. But when you get to California next, maybe we could meet and talk about it first.

Now during that meeting I pull out my penis and begin masturbating in front of you while NOT blocking the door.

You cool with that?

If so, then COME ON OUT! But if not? Then I think you’ve answered your own question. No one really likes sex surprises, and I believe someone like a Louis C.K. would be in an altogether different place if he had extended an invite to watch him masturbate versus offering some threadbare tale of celebrating in some other way that didn’t involve him pulling out his penis mid-party. If I’m at a restaurant and they bring me a dish I wasn’t expecting, I’m a little put out. Not hard at all for me to see how that’d sour if it was penis on the menu.

And how hard is it really to say to friends*, “Hey, you want to come back to my room and watch me masturbate?”

________________________

*Friends are not people who work for you.

Touched by an Angel

EUGENE, SIR: My boyfriend gets upset when we’re having sex if I use my hand on myself. I would not be writing you, but he’s not the first. Why is this bothering men? Their problem has caused me to have problems too and even if I dump this one, I have enough evidence to know that this is going to continue being a problem. —Handy

Dear Ms. Dandy: Let’s just pick a not wholly unrelated something or other, like porn, and blame it. And certainly porn could shoulder some responsibility here given both its ubiquity and its frequently displayed trope of penis being all that women need to achieve a screaming, super-cinematic orgasm. But why make porn pay for the failings of people who consume it? The reality of it is that any restriction placed on your sexual behavior when you’re having sex is kind of papering over the fact that unless it’s some sort of BDSM scene, control is best used as something to lose. They don’t like The Hand? Then they should relax, get a little less defensive and if those both fail, find a woman who is perfectly happy having her behavior bordered by the insecurities of the people she’s having sex with.

And you can tell him I said so.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.