Why you should care
Because it probably won’t get better if it gets worse.
You have sexy questions? Eugene has sexy answers. Write. Now: Eugene@ozy.com
EUGENE, SIR: My woman squeezed my nipples very hard last week during sex. So hard I was bleeding. I told her. She laughed. Not the response I was looking for. So I decided to do it back to her if she did it again, and when she did and I did, she had an orgasm. So I thought she was just letting me know she liked it, but she hasn’t stopped attacking my chest. How do I get her to stop? — Nick
Dear Ouch: Clearly, escalation won’t work here as there’s a strong possibility that the road she’s signaling is possibly a road you don’t want to go down. So go the other way and the next time it happens? De-escalate. While whining “ow ow ow” and sniveling about your boo-boos. Twenty minutes of this is enough to get anyone to stop. And it’ll probably get you an ice cream to boot! Good luck.
May-September Sex Madness
EUGENE, SIR: Hello. I am a 33-year-old woman. Three kids and never been married. My boyfriend is 53 and has two kids (one of whom is grown). We don’t live together but see each other a lot. We drop the kids off at school and spend the day together most days. Some weekends and evenings we’re together as well. We’ve been together for five years now and are happy with our situation. Mostly. When we first started dating, our sex life was great. We could just look at each other and get horny. I understand that as couples get comfortable with each other, the sex goes down. But these days it seems that I practically have to beg for it. When I hint at sex, he says things like, “It don’t work like it used to,” or “I wish I could get as hard as I used to.” I know he’s growing older and things don’t work like they used to, but I’m horny all the time. It seems like he doesn’t want it at all. What do I do? I feel like I don’t turn him on like I used to. Or does his age really have something to do with it? I need some advice. Should I just let it go and let my fingers help me, or should I come right out and ask him? — Name withheld by request
Dear Sexless in Stockton: First of all, get this out of your head: “I feel like I don’t turn him on like I used to.” Also, get this out of your head, the idea that over time interest in sex diminishes. The first is fallacious, the second misses the point. I’m going to tell you a little story that Josh Alan Friedman told me by proxy when I read his book Tales of Times Square. A guy who used to own a sex club in New York in the 1970s had made a bet with some mafiosi about how many times in a row he could orgasm. As tends to happen, this thing got very much out of control, and before anyone knew what had happened huge amounts of money were being bet. Against the guy. Very dangerous people were betting against this man in his 50s who had masturbated before the contest as a final act of defiance. A med school student from Columbia was there to mediate and the action began.
I don’t remember how many orgasms the guy had, but it was some ungodly number like 45. Enough to win the bet. Later, when he was being interviewed, he claimed the key to his success was that they let him pick the women and that without the variety of women, he would have been sunk.
I tell you this story because 53 is a lot of years of growing familiar with a lot. This is not your fault. It happens. But he’s not indulging his desire for variety because he’s bound to you by, in the best-case scenario, deep feelings of love. So you probably arouse him as much as ever, but getting dressed up to go to a party just to go to a party? Harder to do. Not necessarily a result of how long you’ve been together. Just how much you’ve done before, maybe.
But you didn’t ask me about all of that. You asked me about solutions that let you not feel bad about yourself, him and your relationship, so I’ll say, first off, he should go to a doctor to make sure it’s not a medical condition. He should also work to do the things that will increase his testosterone naturally. Those would be all the things all the doctors say: exercise, rest, stop smoking, drink less. Certain foods are reported to make the body release more testosterone, pasta being one, but there are also chemical solutions by way of testosterone replacement therapies. This, beyond a shadow of a doubt, works, and when combined with noted performance enablers like Viagra, might get you two where you need to be.
Not a long-term solution clearly, but maybe enough to get over the idea that it’s him (he’s old), it’s you (you’re not as hot as you used to be), or it’s both of you (the relationship is aging … badly). Which can be a self-perpetuating curse of fear-nonperformance-fear-loathing-stress-avoidance-you-ultimately having-affairs-end. Don’t do that yet. Do what I tell you and call me in the morning. It doesn’t have to be permanent, it might just be temporary, and what will serve you all in good stead? Remembering that this is all supposed to be fun.