Why you should care
Because sex sometimes manages to not be sexy at all.
Love and Other Four-Letter Words
EUGENE, SIR: I need your wisdom: What’s a man supposed to do when chasing love and the one he’s fallen for just happens to be asexual? Part of me believes it to be trauma and bad abusive past relationships. As for me, I have a high sex drive and contemplated making compromises if need be. Trying to look long-term and not sure if chasing what I’m seeking could actually work. I’m willing to be patient but being a fool and wasting time isn’t my thing. Also curious to know your thoughts on soul mates? If you believe in such things. —V
Dear Victory: What’s a man supposed to do when he loves lazy Sunday mornings in bed with his beloved but his beloved likes lazy Sunday mornings in bed alone? Or what’s a man supposed to do when who he loves, loves who he is not? Or, maybe, what’s a man supposed to do when sometimes he feels like a nut and his love does not? A smart man floats, floats on.
But love is not always about what’s smart. Love is amorphous, fuzzy and altogether untidy, totally unlike something like sex, which at least has mechanics attached to it. But love? Well, all bets are off. So while there are plenty of people who are perfectly OK with “low” sex drives — and that’s low according to you — it’s my sincere belief that adjusting downward is a much tougher row to hoe than maybe adjusting upward.
In very practical terms, this means if this early in, you’re trying to figure out if this love is significant enough to justify trying to think sex once a month is peachy keen, it’s probably not. And while trauma might be the root cause, unless your business card says “therapist” on it, this is a fool’s errand for you since helping someone in these straits will make it that much more difficult to ever balance as equals. I mean, parents will always see their children, adulthood notwithstanding, as children.
So leave them to get better on their own, if they even believe they need to. You’ll be doing you and them a favor. Not to imply asexuality is something to be cured though. Just not something you might be interested in riding and dying with.
With regard to soul mates? Isn’t that like a Cosmo magazine thing designed solely for screwing up your lazy Sunday mornings in bed? I mean, being in a relationship can be hard enough without having to shoulder the burden, and yes, it’s a burden, of being compatible on the level of immeasurable spiritual qualities. That being said, I have to go with Harry Crews here who in his book The Gypsy’s Curse defines it as finding the sex organ that fits you. Maybe a curse, probably a blessing, and just about as far as I’m willing to go with the impossible soul mate standard.
Extramarital 4 Life!
EUGENE, SIR: I’m married. My husband has sex with me about once every three months, if that. Last year in 2017, we had sex three times. We have been married six years, and I don’t know what the problem is. In an effort to find out, I’d been meeting men on Craigslist for “casual encounters,” and in the same year that I only had sex with my husband three times, I had met 10 men and had sex with them as well. Craigslist has just shut it down though, and I’m really not ready to go back to only feeling desired three times a year. And for the record, none of these people I met registered any complaints with me. So where do I go now? Dating sites are out since we have a lot of single friends, and I can’t run the risk of being spotted there. Can you help? — Roxy Star
Dear Rolling Stone: I think I can, since the issue is simple and seems simply about this: How do I find willing sex partners who are not professionals without being found out by my low-flow husband? If I’ve got that wrong, please let me know, but I suspect not. But first, HOW you ended up here. Back on March 21, the Stop Enabling Sex Traffickers Act of 2017, or SESTA, was passed by a vote of 97–2. It leans heavily on this idea that online intermediaries are held liable for what the people who use it do. So rather than run the risk of being sued, Craigslist shut down one of the best and most anonymous sex clearinghouses in the house.
Places to go for the free and easy? While any Fet site, typically for fetishists of all stripes, seems way too specific, it’s the exact opposite, and if you can package what you want as a fetish, you’ll be much more than welcome, I am sure. Photos can be of body parts, and the best part? No one goes there casually, so anyone who would bust you there has their own secrets to hide. While others would tell you to fix your relationship first, I wouldn’t presume to tell you how to live your life. Just how to make it more sexually satisfying. So, um, while it lasts? Good luck!
EUGENE, SIR: We’re three months into a relationship. Just had all of the tests done. Do you think we can stop using condoms now? — TF
Dear What The?: Forget for a second the super gonorrhea thing that the press has been all atwitter with. Forget that we’re increasingly resistant to antibiotics because of the over-use of antibiotics. Forgot all of that and consider HPV, the human papillomavirus. Men are asymptomatic and can’t be tested for it but in women, it can cause a whole host of difficulties up to and including sterility and cancer. Consider also that the populations that find HPV nonexistent are primarily and usually virgins and nuns.
Even if your pap smear doesn’t reveal any presence of the virus, it could just be dormant. How serious is it? For you to decide. Something you can do on your way to picking up another box of rubbers, perhaps.