How Lazy Will Porn Actually Make You?

How Lazy Will Porn Actually Make You?

You know what they say about bad dancers? That they blame their shoes.

SourceSteve Prezant/Getty

Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

Not Anti-Porn. Just Pro-Lazy

EUGENE, SIR: If you do just one thing with your sex column, please get men to stop watching porn. I’m not a prude, I’m a realist. Making men think that what’s depicted in porn is what they have to do to have sexual fun is shitty, and a little crazy. Do people drive IRL like they do in Grand Theft Auto or The Fast and the Furious? No, and there’s a reason why not. I’m sick of feeling judged by men sexually because I’m not willing to be penetrated while doing a headstand. Call me crazy or lazy, but what happened to good old-fashioned sex? — Lee

Dear Ms. Ving: Feel judged by men a lot? Have many attempted to pile drive you? For those not in the porny loop, that unsexy sex position has one partner in either a headstand or a shoulder stand while the other partner penetrates them from above. It’s a position that sans pornography probably would never have existed. And this is where I tend to agree with you, even with my generally laissez-faire attitude about all things sexual.

We’ve gotten into an unfortunate monkey see, monkey do loop that, while it introduces us to “new” avenues of expression, needlessly complicate things because some director with cinematic aspirations had a “what-if” moment on a porn set and decided to see what would happen if an actor stood on their head and another actor divebombed them with penis.

Which reminds me of a story. A female friend of mine used to work a phone sex line and in a fit of boredom one night started a call out with a sentence that’s catnip to some men: “You know what really turns me on?” He didn’t. Neither did she really, but she could tell it meant so much to him that she felt obligated to come up with something. So she looked around her apartment and her eyes came to rest on the freezer. “If you got an ice cube and put it up your butt,” she told the client.

And yes, fun was had by all. I guess.

The point is we learn how to do a lot of things via imitation. But there should come a point when we cease being imitators and start being creators.

However, this is not porn’s fault.

You know what they say about bad dancers? That they blame their shoes. Get better sex partners and you can probably do all of the above.

What Mick Jagger Said

EUGENE, SIR: You know that song Some Girls by the Stones? Do you think there are cultural sexual differences? — Rawley

Dear Ruh-Roh Shaggy: Are you asking this question because you know I’ll answer any question I am asked or because you really want to know? I’ll assume the latter and will then ask you this: Do you think the sex life of Mick Jagger is in any way representative of a sex life you are likely to have at any point from you reading this answer to the end of your life?

Also, as long as we’re talking about Jagger, do you believe that sex for any of the Rolling Stones is markedly different from the sex that most human beings have?

I don’t think so. They might be having sex on cashmere rugs in mansions of gold and light, but fundamentally it’s the same two-step, one that given their extreme wealth, they could probably do poorly and still receive rave reviews.

But the Stones aside, there are cultural similarities, which is really what we’re talking about, from place to place, as there are for fashions, furniture or food. People do things more similarly to people from different places, but dissimilarly enough to be able to write a song about their differing sex styles? Well, you can write a song about anything. It’s a song, not a documentary — its being true is something else entirely.

This is where you come in, though, since there’s only one way to find out: Leave your house, travel the world, meet people, don’t be a creep, have sex with them. Then come back and tell us in a year what you find. Good luck.

Sex Work Wages

EUGENE, SIR: My husband and I are getting into threesomes and would prefer to hire our third (we live in a state where sex work isn’t illegal). We’re wondering if price is a true indicator of quality. The woman we found that we both like charges $3,000 for one hour. She has an adult-film career, but $3,000 is a little pricey for us. Could we spend $300 and still get someone worthwhile? — Name withheld by request

Dear Fru Gal: It’s all to your tastes. While you could find someone perfectly serviceable for free, it’s clear that paying is part of your kink. If your question is can you find someone of quality for $300, I’d say yes, having reasoned it thusly: No one will do something they don’t want, even if the inducements are very high. Many of us would like to be millionaires. Very few of us would eat the hearts of our enemies even if someone paid us a million dollars to do so. And these are our enemies.

Anyone consenting to having sex with you and your husband would do so because the idea entertained them, and the cash is like a tip. Sex workers are like any other kind of worker, choosing jobs that appeal to them for nonsexual reasons too (e.g., distance, ease of execution, etc.).

Which is to say you might find someone perfectly delightful within your budget.

A word of warning: This does not hold true as the price trends toward the sub-$100 range. Unless, that is, you’re in a country where $50 is a big deal. In a major American city, though, this could spell trouble and a mix of desperation and unhealthy life choices.

OZYWildcard

Square pegs. Round holes.