Why you should care
OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”
When Does the Abuse End?
EUGENE, SIR: Between the ages of 13 and 15, I was molested by someone my family had trusted. At the time I thought it was something other than the terrible betrayal it was. Now, 20 years later, I know. But that’s not my question. My question has to do with me trying to have a sex life now. If I tell potential lovers about what happened to me, I either scare them off or they treat me like a delicate doll. Add to this the fact that I like rough sex and in my experience now, I’ve found a good 80 percent of sex partners — men and women — have been creeped out enough to beg off. So should I lie about my past? That seems dishonest and unnecessary, and I want to contribute to the dialogue of me being both a survivor of sex abuse and someone interested in hot sex for reasons other than therapy for my past problems. —A German Woman
Dear Fräulein: Information is an interesting thing. If you’re looking for a good tool for getting across town quickly? Information works wonderfully since two left turns and a quick right might actually get you where you want to go. In other regards, such as where you now find yourself, it’s probably not a useful tool for getting partners to understand all that needs to be understood about your place in space. Specifically, that your “healing” is your business and the fact that you told them about what you’re healing from is probably a sign that you don’t need much of their help at all.
Clearly, you know all hope is not gone. I mean, 20 percent is not an insignificant count and one that would be admirable even without what you might have described as “baggage.” Maybe not surprisingly when you veer from the standard, there’s probably always going to be a drop-off, whether we’re talking about sex or Parcheesi, but whatever you did to garner the good 20 percent, keep it up.
Which brings us to your question, which is not really a question at all since lying about your past in order to fashion a future that’s worth a damn is going to be like building a race car out of toothpicks. Yeah, you might be able to do it, but you’d not be doing a service to either race cars or toothpicks.
Nah, screw that. People who can’t handle the truth are fundamentally people who are unlikely to generate long-term successes, sexual or otherwise. So, keep on keeping on. The truth just might set you free.
EUGENE, SIR: Can I teach myself to squirt? —Water, Water Everywhere
Dear Not a Drop to Drink: According to the “experts,” yes, you can. Though, honestly, I have to side with the “experts” who see this as just something else women have to “worry” about if they want to “have it all.” Those experts generally have a more laissez-faire approach to what’s correctly called female ejaculation, and that approach is being OK if it happens and seeing it as no big whoop if it doesn’t — a useful life attitude about way more than just sex.
Sex Worker Worries
EUGENE, SIR: I’ve been to sex workers a few times. Not something I do often (maybe about five times). I’m married. Anyway, the last time I met up with one, the condom broke. This was four days ago and while I can beg off having sex with my wife for maybe another four days tops (based on our usual schedule), I want to know, are there immediate measures I should do other than confess now? I mean, I don’t want her to catch anything. I also want to know if I have anything and want to be able to take anything if I need to and have it work before I have to have sex with her again since using a condom with her would raise all kinds of red flags. I also can’t go to the family doctor as she has become a family friend too. Help. —Undoing What’s Done
Dear Undone: A long time ago, I remember reading about female-to-male transmission rates for HIV in communities of men who frequent sex workers. It allowed for all levels of condom usage and non-usage. The transmission rate was sub-1.0, like maybe 0.7 percent, and it emerged that these were men who favored cunnilingus with their sex workers. Now, I’m no medical professional and these figures are simply recalled and not cited for any reason other than to set this up: HIV is really probably the least of your worries.
Indeed, there’s a raft of stuff you could have now, but like Mr. Wolf in Pulp Fiction, I guess I’m here to help you out of a predicament you should have been smart enough not to get into in the first place. So, knowing that I am no kind of a doctor, I’d guess that obtaining antibiotics online would be quick, easy and very possibly advisable. Testing can be done at Planned Parenthood or via over-the-counter testing kits. The former being faster than the latter, even if you might be spied going into one.
Also, and I hesitate to recommend this since it’ll seem like I’m aiding and abetting substandard behaviors, but you could get your hands on the craziest condoms you could find, bring them home “like” a “gag” and say you wanted to “try them out.” This will buy you a few more days.
HOWEVER, this all leaves a bad taste in my mouth because, realistically, you screwed up, bro. I’m glad to help people be and do better. But this feels like I’m just getting you outfitted to go out and kill again. No judgment, but not the greatest feeling.