How Big Does a Breast Have to Be to Save Your Relationship?

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Why you should care

OZY’s Eugene S. Robinson addresses queries from the love-weary in “Sex With Eugene.”

When More Than Enough Is Too Much

EUGENE, SIR: Is there something I could do if my lover is too large? I can’t get anyone to take this/me seriously, but our relationship is great in every way but this one, and now he’s starting to feel rejected. I have fibroids, which makes it worse. We’re at the point now where it’s just easier to do other things than have sex, but I don’t think this is a long-term solution. We’re in our late 20s and this might be leading to marriage, but I don’t think I should marry a man who I have an iffy sexual relationship with, even if it’s not either of our faults really. What I want to know is: According to what I have heard, pregnancy sometimes makes fibroids better. Is that true? – X-Tin

Dear Rin Tin: I can feel you thinking, and I sympathize/empathize as I do with most gamblers because this is a calculated and high-stakes play you’re thinking of pushing. It IS true that fibroids are known to shrink after pregnancy, according to doctors, as soon as three to six months after birth, and that 70 percent of women who had fibroids and then had kids saw them shrink by 50 percent or more. But there’s still that niggling 30 percent. If you’re part of that 30 percent and you never normalize post-pregnancy, what are you left with? And what’s he left with?

Sure, you could fellate him if coitus continued to be a problem, but again, that’s not a long-term solution.

If I were you — and not only am I not you, I’m also not a woman and no kind of doctor just to be clear — I’d experiment with different positions to see if you can mitigate his mass. While you can manage girth issues with the strategic use of lubrication, depth can’t be changed since the length is what it is. However, counterintuitively, if he posts up behind you and you stagger your legs, with one forward and one a bit behind it, you can minimize length issues.

Moreover, having to manage this should do the best thing of all for you two: get it out in the open so both of you can start talking about it. Problems moving toward solutions feel better than problems that are steadfastly remaining problems. Give it a try before you use Thor’s Hammer of pregnancy to handle anything romantic. Good luck.

 

Phone Sexy?

EUGENE, SIR: I ran across your section a day or so back and am very interested in following you and receiving your advice column or just general info on sex! I am a divorced White male in my 40s. Since my wife left me, I’ve tried sex with some guys and I guess I’m bi. I want attention and to give attention to females, but there are not that many in my area. Do you know of any lonely women who might enjoy helping me to get off doing phone sex? – RJ-BRT

Dear Ribbit: I imagine I know lots of people, lonely and not. Bi and not. Men and women or not. And while my shingle is hung out very specifically so you can find your way to me, advice is very different from “Sex With Eugene” as Tinder/Grindr. In the most modern of terms, I’ll respond to your request for phone numbers/emails with a counter-request: a little effort, please. Though I suspect this was a humblebrag about your newfound bi status, the reality is that you requested WOMEN. For some variation of sex. Which would make me? Some variation of a pimp.

Which I am not because, if you hadn’t heard, pimping ain’t easy. And it’s ethically questionable. 

So I’ll suggest the current catch-all for kink: the Internet. There you should be able to find women more than happy to indulge your interest in aural kink. Hope that helps.

Who the Boob Belongs To

EUGENE, SIR: I want to get breast reduction surgery and have unexpectedly run into some real resistance from my normally levelheaded boyfriend. We’ve been together four years, but he says that if he got a tattoo (we are both tattooed) that he’d consult with me because this would be something that I’d have to look at forever, in a best-case scenario, so naturally he’d want to make me part of the decision-making process. But, he says, my “one-way decision-making process” just “feels” bad to him. It’s not like I’m going from huge to tiny. I am going from huge to a little less huge and am pissed off that he’s repackaged his fetish as a relationship issue. I actually can’t even believe I’m writing about this. Thoughts?  – Name withheld by request

Dear Busted: If he was indeed repackaging his continued interest in you continuing to have large breasts as a relationship ploy, then, yes, that would be dirty pool that you’d be justified in being pissed about. It would show an awareness of a lack of sincerity in the endless seesaw between your needs and his interests. But maybe he’s just confusing your needs as just interests and hence the failed tattoo comparison. And while I hear about very few health issues attached to having tattoos, I hear about many attached to large breasts. 

However, if he wants to be made more a part of the process, start dragging him along to your doctor’s appointments. And your physical therapy appointments. And your shopping trips where you try to find clothes that fit and bras that work. And have him massage your aching back whenever it’s aching. Get him to put some real skin in the game, so to speak. Develop some empathy muscle. That should take about as much time as it takes to schedule your surgical procedure for your breasts that, the last time I checked, were part of your body.

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