Why you should care
Because bad sex is much worse than a bad haircut, though they do seem strangely coincident.
EUGENE, SIR: I am stuck. I have lots of sex. I mean, in 2017 I had sex with eight different people. But I don’t trust men, so my sex with men is not intimate. Some of them have been good or OK. One was great, one was really terrible, but in the end it was just sex. Women were no better. Before you ask, I will just answer: I was not molested as a child. I’m 27. This can’t go on forever, can it? Shouldn’t I be feeling something now? —Frozen
Dear Anna: Sorry for your struggle, but the reality of it is — and keep in mind I’m no medical professional, but just a man with a mouth driven by a peculiar understanding of the world — I think things work “right” less often than they work “wrong,” and if we had any sense of what “normal” meant, I’d be out of a job. So while some might suggest you look to a medical professional, since your symptoms might be connected to depression or an underlying biological issue — hormonal, endocrine system — I’m going to assume that none of those things are wrong with you. Instead, I’ll just take what I’ve been given and give you back what I’ve taken, and that’s that your ennui is a highly evolved philosophical response to certain aspects of modern living being completely joyless and mirthless.
That being said: HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Seriously, the worst part of feeling bad is the general insistence that you feel any other way. My personal preferred modus operandi is to double down just to see if you can’t find some solid footing somewhere. And what it sounds like you’re describing is activity without context. Which is almost biblical. G-d says to build an ark. So you do. But I can’t imagine anything more lonely, even if the Creator told you to do it without some context. So, sex just to have sex is like eating when you’re not hungry.
We do better when we contextualize stuff, when we can say, “I’m doing this because …” Though it must be said, because sex is an activity that involves others, unless it doesn’t, that we’re all probably three bad relationships away from where you are, so maybe the solution is finding people who excite you in nonsexual ways before having sex with them. That would certainly be a start. Hope this helps.
Loads of Fun
EUGENE, SIR: I think if my man made changes to his diet, his semen would taste better. This is only an issue because his tastes so bad that I spit it out when he comes in my mouth. He drinks lots of coffee and eats who the hell knows what. But he doesn’t like it when I spit. Is this just dietary? —Pat
Dear Patty Cakes: Of course it’s dietary. Here’s a simple rule of thumb since we’ve gotten this question before: Anything that goes INTO your body will affect the tastiness of everything that comes out of your body. If you want specifics? Easy: spices, fruits and certain vegetables improve things. Cigarettes, coffee, garlic, onions and red meat? Not so much.
EUGENE, SIR: I completely disagree with your answer to RSE [“On a Harvey Weinstein Scale, Do I Suck as a Man?” OZY, December 15, 2017]. He accosted her, and that’s the bottom line. If a man can’t inquire about a possible sexual relationship and understand straight off that the woman isn’t interested, then he should back off. It doesn’t matter that they got stoned; sex wasn’t in the equation. There’s no gray in between lines of proper contact. He grabbed her crotch and if that isn’t, in your mind, blatant abuse, then I seriously question you and your team. It also seems you have a titillating attitude in your answers, but you’re giving advice on a subject that’s clearly been very hurtful for some individuals. I question your qualifications. How and where did you get your degree? Or is this “Let’s pretend to be funny and answer these innocuous questions for a good laugh,” a “Let’s see what we can get away with” male version of Dear Abby? —Keep Your Hands to Yourself to Keep Yourself Out of Jail
Dear Hand Jive: As I’ve stated before: I’m not a medical professional. Just someone with an opinion that may be right or may be wrong, which I frequently acknowledge. But I answer with as much thought and nuance as possible without playing “pretend” or making manifest any interest in titillation. Sexy, sexy titillation. NO interest in that. But the writer was questioning — an overall positive, I believe — whether or not his clumsy pass was criminal. He seemed genuine in his interest in finding out when the line is crossed. Doing drugs in a bathroom stall is no indicator of future sexual activity; however, in his addled state, making a pass at someone he was close to and interested in seemed reasonable. What I had to consider: If it were JUST an attempted kiss, would that have been better? Or worse? Or just as bad? The grab without the kiss? Better, worse or just as bad? Does it matter which part of the body was grabbed? And, if so, why?
Finally, does it all become bad when he suggests that they have sex the second time because, after all, if she’d been interested, there would have been no need to ask a second time? All compelling questions and all considered when I answered before and as I am answering now.
In the end, though, if you’re suggesting that every pass that’s not well received should result in jail time, I’m going to have to pull up a chair just to see where that leads, since I’d never consider having the women and men who have “tried” to kiss me arrested.